Sad Face

Yuck.
I just started a medication last week and yet the depression is back today. I know a week isn't long enough for the meds to kick in. I just really hope they do. I tried to push through today... Got out of the apartment. Saw a friend. Read some al anon literature. I just feel so foggy, like I can't concentrate. And so sad, like a monster made of iron is sitting on my chest (making it hard to take deep breaths). At one point I sat in the library for a while with my book and laptop. Next to me sat a girl with a pile of her textbooks and notes. She had her head down in her notebook so studiously... I was so jealous.
I thought, I wish I were in school, engaged in something, focused on something. But I feel so lost and nothing really means anything to me these days... So, I don't even know what I would study... I went back to the al anon reading. I guess that's what I'm doing now. I just want to accomplish something in my life. Everything feels hard and far away. It's days like today that I especially hate depression and I feel moody, impatient and ineffectual.

Elana,
So sorry you had a rough day. It sounds like you managed to do some really constructive things in the midst of feeling crappy. On those kinds of days, just getting out of bed can be a major accomplishment.

Sometimes (OK, often) I also feel like I'm in a place in my life where I'm not accomplishing much... you are inspiring me with the idea that you went back to the Al-Anon reading because THAT is what you are doing right now. I wonder if this might be a time in my life where I am really working on myself, which is very different from being stuck... I wonder if I could give myself permission to do this. Thanks for helping me to see this more clearly.

I hope you can give yourself credit for the hard work you've been doing... even though depression tells you that you are lost and ineffectual, that is just the depression talking. My impression of you from your various posts is that you are very committed and determined in working through the things you are struggling with... very different from being "lost and ineffectual."

Take care. Wishing you a better day tomorrow.
peace,
garden gal

You are absolutely right--a week is not enough for the meds to really kick in. But, day by day, you will probably see a little improvement--maybe another weekk, and you might begin to feel it. It's something to look forward to, don't you think? It's great you are getting out and trying to do some things--that will help. Do be kind to yourself. Take a deep breath in, then slowly let it out. Then do it again. Do that several times a day; it will be peaceful and maybe give you a little relief.

(((((((((Elana)))))))))))

Give the meds some time. I've never really noticed any effect of meds until after the three week mark. Pursuing treatment is overwhelming, scary and even discouraging sometimes, but you can do this!!! We're all rooting for you

I don't know what to tell you about wanting to be engaged except that I know how you feel. I am in school but I lost interest in my major ages ago, so I feel kind of listless, like I'm paddling against the current and not getting anywhere. I'm glad you've been reading your al anon books, keep it up! Is there another project you might like to work on? It doesn't have to be anything big at all. Sometimes to distract myself from my own listlessness I give myself little challenges. Rearrange a bookshelf, crochet a scarf, learn everything I can about a random subject so I can feel engaged in learning again ... Just anything, really. I think that we create our own purpose in life, and purpose doesn't have to be anything bigger than taking care of ourselves and getting from one day to the next, which it looks like you're doing pretty well right now.

(((((((((((Elana))))))))))))

I'm so sorry your mood has taken a dip. That is really hard when you have just started treatment. But try to remember that it can take time to feel the effects of medication. You can do this.

Be patient with yourself. Every small step counts, you left your apartment, saw a friend...huge steps when you feel weighed down with depression. Sometimes we focus so much on the finish line, we forget to notice the steps we've taken along the way to get there. Good Luck to you.