[Bmee2]

I just got off the phone with my aunt by marriage and found out she is planning to go off the dialysis on Wednesday and begin hospice on Thursday.
That means my aunt will live five to seven days after Wednesday. I cannot cry enough or tell her how much I love her. She lives several states away from me and says she will be too busy for me to come visit before the end.
I hated trying to say everything to her through the phone. I wanted to hug her once more. Nothing. My aunt is however, very happy with the decision. She will be putting an end to all of her suffering. She has been near dead several times in the past couple of years and she feels she is not living. Her doctors say she is dying a very slow death with so many things shutting down in her body.

I fear being all alone in the world. I do not have a job or career to support myself. Once my mother passes on I will be homeless and unbearably poor. My life will cease to exist once my mom leaves.
Another cousin will be moving to a nursing home...she is 90 yrs. young.
I am so very sad.
Sad, the next time I see my aunt she will be dead. I guess I could write her a letter.
There is not need to respond to this post. I just am at a loss over losing my aunt and not having a T and struggling to be a 24/7 caretaker of my mom. Overwhelmed and exhausted and scared.

[online user]

((((((((BeMee2))))))) Sorry you are losing your aunt. Wonderful that she will have hospice care at the end of her life. Those I know with experience with this say that it was wonderful for them, to be in a caring and loving place with kind, supportive care and good pain meds fo their loved one. A much more comfortable atmosphere than the hospital. Writing her a letter would be an excellent thing to do.

And how wonderful that you can care for your mom. When your mother is gone, perhaps you can get a job nursing others? You will have tremendous skill from your experience. And you might find a situatin where you could live-in, so you would have income and houing. If that is too painful for you, reminding you too much of your mother and other relatives who are gone, perhaps become a live-in nanny for someone and care for children? Just a thought. I think you are so preoccupied with your sadness and impending loss that you can't think of the possiblities for you. Does your mother have a will? Are you living in her home? What happens to the house when she is gone? How long can you stay there? These are questions you might ask of her attorney. That might settle some of your fears. If you know you can live in the house until it is sold, you will have some time to find a new situation for yourself. You may find that you will have an inheritance that can support you for some time. Knowing exactly what the process will be might be calming for you. I think the "unknown" lurks more seriously in our minds than the actual which is more likely to hapen.

I am sorry. I hope passage for your aunt goes as smoothly as it did for my grandmother, who left the hospital under hospice care only yesterday, and passed away this morning. She was ready to go. It is not for her that I grieve, but for those of us who will miss her.

I know things look very bleak to you right now, but I have been homeless and unbearably poor, and it need not end all hope of life. That pit can be climbed out of. I hope you are already in touch with programs that can help you. Please surround yourself with people who want to do that. But don't bury your mother just yet. Your aunt is under the care of hospice, but you haven't said anything to indicate that your mother's end is near. If you fear being alone and homeless when she passes, you might want to take measures now to see that this doesn't happen.

If prayers are welcome, I am praying for you.

[roses4me]

sorry about your aunt
I am going to go out a limb here.
I know it is important to respect someone's wishes
But I am not sure someone can be too busy to receive a hug and recieve the words... I love you.
as long as she doesn't feel obliged to give her time and energy
If you don't visit, maybe you could arrange to have some flowers sent to brighten her last days... with a written hug, an I love you or other support message
my thoughts are with you and your aunt
roses

an afterthought: many years ago, my father did some repair in a florist's shop. For some reason, when the owner found out it was his wedding anniversary, they gave him about 10 flower arrangements... some of them were quite large. All were beautiful. He put them in the living room. My mom smiled every minute of every day for about a week.

[Bmee2]

Well I wrote a letter, sent flowers, and I call and leave silly messages on the answering machine....hoping that it will make her smile. And today I got some extra cards to send one everyday this week. She is happy with her decision and I want to support her. But i am confused by her decision. I cannot see the difference between what she is doing and what many other extremely depressed people want to do. I want those suffering from depression to have the ease and support my aunt does. Mind you my aunt has several medical problems and kidney failure is the latest. Her heart is problematic, she has lupus, now the kidneys, and loss of independence are her latest victims of her medical problems. So...mixed up i am. But I intend to do all I can to show and tell her what she has meant to me.

[walksinair]

I am a caregiver in a memory care facility so i have delt with quite a few hospice cases. i understand your pain and confusiion they r very normal emotions to be feeling. one possible reason your aunt may have said she was going to be busy was because she does not want to "burdon" you with seeing her pass away. i see this alot even in people with alzheimers. they dont want theirbloved ones to suffer.
i believe the difference between this situation and a depressed persons situation is that depression in and of itself wont cause death, acting on the thoughts does, kidney failure heart problems and such are quite different, i have been told by dialysis patients that it is painful and unpleasant. with hospice she will have mediicne that will calm the pain.I that it is good that she is mentally able to make that conscous desicion,the people i deal with arent and it is sad. i have an aunt who has very low funtioning kidneys and has refused dialysis as she feel when it is her time it is her time. she has had a do not recesatate order in place for a long time. if you feel i can help u in anyway feel free to private message me.

[Bmee2]

Well my aunt left Friday morning about 9AM on the 13th. She is at peace but i am very heavy with sadness. She enjoyed the flowers but did not read the letter. i left messages on the answering machine, but...Now as of today the 14th of May, i will not be able to attend the memorial service. It is only for an hour or less and it would take too much to travel with a handicapped 88 yr. Mom. Plus the expense of trying to get to a small city in the end is not worth it. Thus i never got to hug her good-bye. Now i will not make the memorial service either. My Mom says we should have visited her long before now. But that was not as simple as sounds. When things were getting worse for her i had mom's fall to deal with and her recovery. i am running myself ragged trying to do it all for my mom to show her how much i love her yet.....yet she is preventing my growth and always has. So i am angry my aunt got her way and as usual i am left with a lot of pent up emotions. While she did not say this too me, i feel as if i did not mean that much to her. It was so hard trying to tell her how much she meant to me over the phone....i had to quickly cut to the essentials. Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know my aunt is gone.

[justempty]

Oh, Bmee, I am sorry. I lost my husband in February to cancer and know how it feels when there's no choice but to go on hospice and let go. I am still struggling with all of this, so I'm not sure if I have any encouragement. But I do feel your pain and understand.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry for the loss of your Aunt, could you create your own memorial to her? Plant a flower in your yard, paint something you know she would enjoy...anything to give you the chance to have a memorial even though you were unable to attend service?

[Bmee2]

That is a wonderful idea, to create a memorial of my own. I will think about this...see what dreams I can muster. Wonderful idea....i might begin putting fresh flowers in the bathroom and kitchen like she did in her memory. She always said she wanted to enjoy flowers while she could see and smell them. The sight of them would make me feel better. Great idea. Thank you can'tstopcrying.
Justempty, i am sorry for your loss too. The internal ache leaves no words to express. Consider doing something like a memorial or like me...something your husband always enjoyed...hats, food, sports, make a collage or a kind of scrap book of all the things he enjoyed and things you enjoyed watching him enjoy. I hope it would make you smile with happy memories. If too soon now....he was your husband which is someone much closer than my aunt....consider making such a project later when the wound is not so fresh.

[online user]

What a wonderful idea to create a memorial for her. Perhaps you and your mom could have a moment of silence for her and then chat about your cherished memories of her--then write those down. That will probably help you feel better.