[quality_worms]

I'm just having a hard time here. I've been doing lots of things by myself because every time I'm with a group of people, my brain turns off and I end up just sitting there on mute. It makes me feel so stupid that I'd rather just not try in the first place. And then sometimes I do say something and I just get ignored. I wonder how long it's going to take my friends to forget about me altogether. I've had friends who were depressed and I didn't stop being friends with them over it, but I got frustrated for sure. And now I have the feeling that I'm putting my friends in that position. I hate being The One Who Is Having Problems.

AND I missed my counseling appointment because she got sick, which is just UNFAIR. Besides the fact that I really needed to talk to anyone, I was all geared up to say that I was willing to see the psychiatrist and now I'm not even sure whether it's going to happen this semester. That might not be a bad thing in the long run, but right now it's very frustrating.

I know things could get worse, but they're bad enough right now. All I want to do is sleep. Or throw things. Last night I had a dream where I went into a store with a lot of expensive glassware, and I methodically picked up each piece and smashed it on the floor. It made me feel a lot better, actually.

I'm sorry for rambling on for so long when I haven't been responding to other people very much...I've been reading, I just didn't feel like I had anything of value to say. I just needed to complain today.

(((((((quality_worms))))))))))) We care about you... you won't be forgotten here. Keep reaching out to others. You may be surprised at the new relationships that get formed.

[(JD)]

wow worms.. your dream sure indicates pent up frustration, and I'm glad you feel better for all that... maybe if you can find some physical release like batting a ball or throwing rocks or such... would help too? I would be frustrated too. Call the office and make them give you a sooner rather than later replacement appt. (I mean, they are displacing YOU , why can't they displace someone else who isn't as desperate?) TC of yourself!

[ozzie]

(((((((((((worms))))))))))) Take care of you.

[corrosion]

There's nothing like other people to make you really feel alone. Or at least that's my pervading memory of social interaction. Sounds like you might have social phobia, which is, frankly, quite crappy

Take care.

[quality_worms]

thank you for replying, everyone...

I think I really might have social phobia. It's a really inconvenient problem to have, because everyone who would understand is hiding too. blah.

Sky, maybe I should do that, but I'd feel bad about displacing people with appointments earlier in the week, since it's not their fault that the counselor got sick. idunno.

[cheche]

The feeling of frustration and agitation are both inevitable for anyone whose life is touched by depression. Depression is really irritating, but it is indeed curable and, in a sense, it gives one a valuable experience.

[quality_worms]

JustBen, that post actually made more sense when it was a quasi-advertisement.

I'm skeptical about depression being "curable." Maybe I've just heard too many times about the studies showing that if you have more than one depressive episode, you're likely to be stuck with it. Seriously, though, I think you can get a lot better, but wouldn't you always have an awareness of how bad things can get? Am I just being pessimistic?

And darned if I know how I'll ever be able to look back at this and say, "Gee, I'm indebted to the period in my life where I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be alive." I guess anything's possible.