[spaceid]

My depression is so bad right now. I had to leave work early because I couldn't stop crying. I just want to sleep, but I can't. I have a quiz tomorrow for class, but I can't study. I can't stop crying and I can't talk to anyone about it. I can't talk to anyone because I am not comfortable talking to anyone about it. Except my therapist. She says if I need her to call her, but I don't know what to say. I don't have any news, I'm just depressed. I just saw her on Tuesday and I'm seeing her on Monday. Having her is good, but I need someone to hold me and hug me and listen to me no matter how stupid I sound. I need that physical shoulder to cry on. I thought I had found it, but now he's the person I'm upset about. Within 24 hours my whole life is going to change and I don't know how to handle it.

[online user]

So sorry, spaceid! Did you ask your B about your relationship? Is that what's changing? Just take things a bit at a time. The crying is a symptom that your depression is worse, as I think you know. Do call a hotline if you need to. There will be a soothing voice to help you. I may do that myself tonight, as I've had a really rough day too. Take care, dear! Sending you hugs!

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by online user

Take care, dear! Sending you hugs!

Thank you, online user. I haven't actually asked him yet. I'm going to later today, but I feel 99% sure that I'm not going to like his answer. I also think I made him angry tonight, but I didn't mean to. I was being quiet and wouldn't tell him the reason. I was getting depressed and couldn't tell him at work. I asked him something at break and he said, "Oh so you are talking now?" Sometimes I can't tell when he is angry or not. But I can't be in a jovial mood 24/7. Neither can he. I texted him and apologized for being so quiet. I said I wasn't feeling well. All he said was, "Oh." I guess I was expecting him to say, "That sucks. What's wrong?" But nothing. It just made me feel worse. I'm so scared of talking to him later. I keep having nightmares and I think of him as soon as I wake up. I just get this huge feeling of dread. It feels terrible.

Plus: I left work early without waiting to be sure that I could from my manager. I could get fired for that, but I don't care. I just had to get out of that place.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by online user

I may do that myself tonight, as I've had a really rough day too.

I'm sorry, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I forgot to ask about your day. Are you okay? I'm sending you good thoughts.

I've never called a hotline before. Where do you find them?

[turquoisesea]

(((((Spaceid))))))

I'm sorry this relationship is so hard on you right now. When does school end for you, are you doing anything over the summer? I'm wondering because if it's close to finals now might be the time to focus on school and talk to him directly after.

At least for now, why not text him with more information, or have a talk with him about how you're depressed and would appreciate some more texts from his end if possible. Explain it brightens up your day, maybe he'll help you out there.

also, remember that texting at least for me... well. Lets put it this way sometimes I put my phone somewhere and don't hear it ring, sometimes I put it off to later and it doesn't mean I don't like the person it's just me with phones. I don't know what HE'S like that way but maybe he has a different idea of how to use phones and stuff?

*hugs*

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

(((((Spaceid))))))

I'm sorry this relationship is so hard on you right now. When does school end for you, are you doing anything over the summer? I'm wondering because if it's close to finals now might be the time to focus on school and talk to him directly after.

At least for now, why not text him with more information, or have a talk with him about how you're depressed and would appreciate some more texts from his end if possible. Explain it brightens up your day, maybe he'll help you out there.

also, remember that texting at least for me... well. Lets put it this way sometimes I put my phone somewhere and don't hear it ring, sometimes I put it off to later and it doesn't mean I don't like the person it's just me with phones. I don't know what HE'S like that way but maybe he has a different idea of how to use phones and stuff?

*hugs*

School ended for us in the beginning of May. I've been trying to talk with him about it since then, but I can't get up the nerve. I decided I was going to ask today. I called him, but couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't work. He invited me over his house to eat and I went. We went for a walk and everything after dinner, but I could not say anything. We talked about everything else, but I couldn't bring it up. I feel so stupid and am so angry at myself. Why do I giv myself so much anxiety. I just can't ask him. I'm so frustrated. I might have to do it by text, but I don't want to do it that way. But I can't say it.

Edit: I just texted him now. I feel bad because he is at work. But I can't wait any longer.

[Heisenberg]

Spaceid, I have a boyfriend who is hard to read as well. Please, don't worry about him not asking further about your day. Most guys I find take you at your word. You weren't feeling well probably meant you were ill, so he didn't need to ask more.
*hugs* As for not being able to tell him what you were feeling, or that you're depressed, that may take time. It is so hard to get that out. Hopefully once you are able to explain you'll find more support from him.

[online user]

Spaceid, this is the sticky at the top of this forum from DocJohn:

Sometimes we get requests for a listing of suicide resources. We keep all of our resources in indexed lists that are regularly reviewed and updated under the "Resources" main menu item (under our logo there). Scroll down and you'll see a category called "Suicide and Crises."

Some recommended resources and hotlines include:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.suicide.org/
http://www.hopeline.com/
http://www.suicideforum.com/

Best,
DocJohn

If you need a quick reference without checking all of that, try the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline 1-800-784-2433.