[Thomas in Ohio]

The title sums up my situation fairly well. However, I also have issues with poor self-esteem, which may be complicating the problem.

First, a bit about me:
I'm in my mid-40's, married for almost 20 years, and have no children. My parents are both deceased (Mom, 13 years ago and Dad, 8). I have no siblings. My wife, on the other hand, still has both parents, several siblings, and a relatively large extended family.

Now for my problems...

It's hard to decide where to begin. The past few years have had some pretty low points - my wife had a total hysterectomy (benign tumors) in '05, I left my job of 16 years in '06 (debilitating stress), terminated from another job in '09, suffered a foreclosure last year, and I'm trapped in a dead-end job that barely keeps our lights on and a roof over our heads. My wife treats me more like a servant than a spouse, for the most part refusing to do anything for herself, such as cooking or laundry. Our sex life has been non-existent since her operation. Overall, she's more of a friend than a spouse - and barely even that. The strange thing is, she actually seems to get jealous if I even talk about another person (male OR female) too much (in her opinion). She does have control issues, and I suspect that she doesn't want any "threats to her control" over me. I just don't know.

Up until recently, I've been able to deal with the lack of true companionship fairly well. I've always been a bit of a loner, so I've found it easy to keep myself occupied. True, there have been times that I've wished that I'd had a "best bud" to hang out with, but nothing really unbearable.

The past few months...
I have actually having a "longing" (for lack of a better term) for female companionship. The relationship wouldn't even have to be sexual in nature, but it wouldn't be unacceptable nor out of the question. I've even taken to exploring some avenues to facilitate this, though I've taken no action at this point.

I seem to be going "down in the dumps" more and more frequently, especially when I think back on some of the decisions I've made in the past.

Mid-life crisis? True depression? I honestly haven't a clue. The one thing that I DO know is that those things that I wrote about above are occupying more of my conscious thoughts each day, and it's worrying me somewhat.

Thank you for listening. If I can provide any clarification, just ask.

TiO.

[Lilleth]

Just read your mail, I haven't an answer as I too am very lonely and depressed. I have never married but have been in a long term relatioship but ended it. As I felt alone still and that I was looking after the person but they not me. I hope someone on this site can be of more help to you and one of the good things about this site is that at least it gives you an outlet to what you are thinking.

[justempty]

Thomas,

I don't think your situation is all that uncommon, but I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I think you're at the prime age for a mid-life crisis, and I know what they're like because I went through one a few years ago myself. Mine ended in a divorce after a 20-year marriage partly because we did "explore options", although not sexual (that I know of). You've got to be careful and realize that seeking female companionship could end your marriage, and decide if you're willing to take that risk. I think the sexual excitement and attraction dies down in any marriage after a while, and being friends becomes an important part of a relationship as you get older. Not saying the sexual part has to end completely, but I think relationships do change as we age.

I also feel that people panic when they realize they are getting older and feel like they need to bring back that excitement with someone else before they lose their attractiveness. But we need to decide if it's worth it to risk ending a relationship we've put all these years into. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and there's a lot to be said for people who stick with each other for a lifetime.

I do totally understand how you're feeling, though, and I know it's tough. It is helpful to come here and just get everything out and get some feedback. I hope you can find a lot of support here!

[Thomas in Ohio]

Originally Posted by Lilleth

As I felt alone still and that I was looking after the person but they not me.

That describes my situation to a tee.
I've also heard it described somewhat as "living alone, together" (or "living together, alone" - not sure which at the moment)

Maybe whatever help comes this way could assist us both. One never knows.

[Thomas in Ohio]

@ justempty -

I do see your point, though I think that I could have phrased things a little better.

To be honest, I'm not actively seeking to have an "affair" - I still love my wife, though I may no longer be in love with her.
It's just that I'd like, maybe even need, to have a friend that I can hang out with and share my emotions, fears and whatnot with, and maybe a friendly hug now and again. It tends to be a little... awkward to do that with fellow males.
If that friendship would happen to evolve into something more, then, well, I'd deal with that then.

My wife has a decent support network to lend her a sympathetic ear - I just have no one but her, and since her surgery, she has become increasingly "meh" toward my concerns.

That, plus the other things going on in my life (and the world today) have really started getting to me lately. There may be a small bit of mid-life crisis in the mix, but I've never been one for much excitement anyway.

I still don't think that what I've written sounds right, but it should be closer.

TiO.

[online user]

My husband and I are in counseling together. He left me about a year ago for another woman with whom he had been corresponding and confiding in by email--an old friend of his first (now deceased) wife. He was a widower when I met him and married him. Once he started in with the other woman, he no longer treated me right, and it seriously harmed our relationship. He has conflict phobia, and was running away from me, instead of dealing with the issues.

What our T has advised:

1. If you think you want to engage in another relationship, end the first one FIRST.

2. If you feel drawn to another or want to leave, tell your spouse: I am very upset with our relatonship and wll be forced to start a platonic (at first) relationship with another woman because I am lonely and need a female confidant. I do not find that anymore with you. I am very serious about this, and want to tell you before it happens.

He says if you haven't done #2, you haven't tried everything with your spouse. You need to tell your spouse how unhappy you are, so they can fix things if they still love you and want you. (Which it sounds like your wife may).

I'd encourage you to seek a couples counselor. Not all therapists are skilled at handling couples. It can make a world of difference. One thing our T suggested was that we read a book to each other. The author was Hugh Prather. We didn't find that book at first, but did find another by Hugh Prather and his wife Gayle: "I Will Never Leave You". We took turns reading it to each other at night. It was very helpful. Now we are reading "A Book for Couples" by the same authors. Worth a try.

[justempty]

Originally Posted by Thomas in Ohio

@ justempty -

I do see your point, though I think that I could have phrased things a little better.

To be honest, I'm not actively seeking to have an "affair" - I still love my wife, though I may no longer be in love with her.
It's just that I'd like, maybe even need, to have a friend that I can hang out with and share my emotions, fears and whatnot with, and maybe a friendly hug now and again. It tends to be a little... awkward to do that with fellow males.
If that friendship would happen to evolve into something more, then, well, I'd deal with that then.

My wife has a decent support network to lend her a sympathetic ear - I just have no one but her, and since her surgery, she has become increasingly "meh" toward my concerns.

That, plus the other things going on in my life (and the world today) have really started getting to me lately. There may be a small bit of mid-life crisis in the mix, but I've never been one for much excitement anyway.

I still don't think that what I've written sounds right, but it should be closer.

TiO.

I really didn't take it as you were actively seeking to have an affair. But even seeking out other female companionship without the intention of having an affair can cause problems. If you do still love your wife and want to stay with her, you've got to be careful. That's all I'm saying. I think I do understand what you're saying, and maybe I came across wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know it's the pits.

[Thomas in Ohio]

@ online user -

Hmm...

You've given me some interesting food for thought.

At this point, nothing has gone further than ideas bouncing around my brain, so I don't think that I've compounded the problem yet.

I still, however, need someone that can be a friend - perhaps PC can fill that need until I can get some other issues sorted out.
(My depressed outlook on life, some trust issues, possibly a smidge of AvPD, poor self-esteem.... it could take a while.)

[Caretaker Leo]

Thomas,
As I read what you wrote - it appears you have gone through a lot of tough stuff in the past few years and it has likely drained both you and your wife in many ways. Also, since she had a hysterectomy, it is possible that she is also really struggling with issues that she hasn't been able to resolve and is possibly struggling with some depression herself.

If you can go into couples therapy - that could be the best place to start. After 20 years of marriage, and acknowledging that you do still love your wife, I will suggest you not roam elsewhere without trying first to repair and improve what you already have.