[Aardwolf]

Let me start of by issuing a TRIGGER WARNING while talking about the subject of suicide.. I apologise for lack of grammar and spelling as I just woke up after a 5 hour kip after my night shift when I dealt with this.

Mods, please read this and think about the intention before throwing in the waste basket.. I feel it may be constructive to those who have these intentions.

I wan't to initially get across that I have been there, I know how lonely some of you must feel, and how hard and impossible it is to see or find any way out of it. This is not a "bashing" session. Its to try and get across the affect it will have on others around you, and hopefully give those of you who need it, a boost to try and keep going.

I dealt with a suicide in my line of work this morning at 4:30 AM. Is it a routine thing for me ? Yes. However just because I deal with it a lot, does not mean it does not have an impact on me. This particular event made me think about all the times I have considered, and nearly gone through with the feelings of suicide.

It impacts people closest to you. Your sister, brother, parents, friends.. any relation who had a link with you. Even friends and those of you who you used to go to school with years ago. (Some of you more recently). Nearly anyone who had contact with you, will be feeling a loss.

Even though I was not involved with the family, I could feel the loss. The immediate silence, the pictiures on the wall of the happy couple only a few weeks back. It was sudden and unpredictable.

The deceased males wife, was in a complete state of shock. She could not even begin to comprehend how her loved one had sudenly taken his own life.
It felt wrong.
Things were around that reminded her of him. Such as the small box with a lid covered with " I love you" Which contained his meds. He opened this last to take his own life. The food, still fresh on the counter from the night before when they had dinner, the ciggaretes still smelling from when he last smoked them.

Lastly. The Ambulance crew, and my colleagues who had to deal with the scene. Even we are affected by each and every one we have to go to.

I implore those of you who are considering this route. to try and keep grip of life. It is hard, I understand that fully, I am not telling you your weak, because often, the hardest time you'll ever have to work with yourself and others, is when your on that frigtening edge. The strongest people are those who feel they have nothing, and still somehow make it through.

This is a true account, of a true situation, which happened not even 12 hours ago.

Anyone who wishes to PM me, feel free.

Best wishes to you all.

Alex

Hiya Alex,

I can't even begin to imagine the trauma of finding somebody who's committed suicide, that must be horrible. I worked on the suicide prevention line for a year as a volunteer and would take calls. It was hard work but man was it rewarding!

I know i posted today that i'm having suicidal thoughts. I don't intend on acting on them though, just thoughts right now. If it gets worse I'll check myself in. After the last time I've gotten better at being able to reach out for help.

Thanks for your post, it is a reminder that there are repercussions for others even though we may not see it.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[madisgram]

from my own personal experience i'd like to add "ME".

had i succeeded:
i would have never known my 3 adoreable, precious grandchildren/the loves of my life.
i would have never experienced all the joys that living brings to me today. yes even the challenges.
i would have never known i could be successful again in my profession.
i would have never known what my son would become-a great father and husband, a loving son to his mom.
i never would have had my "best friend" whom i rescued from a bad life, cody, my dog.
i never would have made all the sincere and loving friends i have from all over.
i never would have given myself the opportunity to get sober and reap the rewards sobriety brings.

i am also one of those affected by the deliberate loss of someone:
my dearest friend, mary jane, chose the other path. i am one of those ppl who loved her and got left behind. R.I.P. mary jane. i will always miss you.

thank you for this thoughtful thread, alex.

[Aardwolf]

Thankyou both for your posts !

madisgram :- I am glad you have found the happines that life can provide, I am grateful that you have also given examples of what you now have, which you wouldn't, had you taken the other path.

tara_922 :- Keep going, I am glad you have avenues you can get help from ,and I'm glad that you have organised this.

To anyone else who would like to contribute to what they have now, as a result of not following through with thoughts, or even what you think you may achieve, if you haven't already. Feel free to post it.

Best wishes

Alex

[buttrfli42481]

Thank you for your post, it really puts suicide's effects into perspective. I have been suicidal in the past, had I of carried through with it, I would of never seen my daughter grow into a little lady. I wouldn't have a great job being a support to others dealing with mental illness. I wouldn't have all the friends that I have. I would have missed out on all the opportunities to praise my daughter for all the good things she has done. I wouldn't be able to see her dance and make it into Troupe. I wouldn't be able to teach her how to be a mom. I wouldn't have the chance to impact someone's life for the positive. I wouldn't be able to come here and help a friend. I would be missed. I have now been a year free of the hospital, and almost a year free of suicidal ideations. I am a survivor just like many others who read this post. Thank you Alex for having the ambition to write on this subject.

[online user]

Used to always think of suicide as a peaceful and calm death. Watched a "Paranormal States" (think that's the right program) where the host mentioned that most of the unhappy spirits (ghosts) he encounters in his work are suicide victims! That changed my attitude pretty effectively.

BTW, I have two friends who live or have lived in homes with ghosts. I do believe. One is a psychic of sorts. She was living in FL before the 9/11 attacks, very near where those terrible men were training to fly the planes. She felt such a sense of impending doom, she left her job, apt., car, and flew home to the shelter of her parents' ghost-filled home. She said many of her psychic friends had similar sensations of impending doom.

So, it ain't all over, when it's over. Something else to consider. You might not get what you are expecting.

[online user]

PS. If I had acted on my suicide thoughts, I would miss the crazy sight of my 10 week old kitten trying to attack my current avatar (cat jumping repeatedly up on the table after the bowl of cereal). She's fascinated and trying to paw at the kitty and guy trying to put the kitty off the table!

[thesnowqueen]

My attempts failed. Right now I have the most beautiful animal in existence lying next to me (a rescue dog). I really don't believe a more adorable creature exists ANYWHERE. Don't know what I did to deserve him

[Aardwolf]

Thankyou all who have posted in response, It really does make me happy knowing how much people have now because they made one decision, and how it is individual and special to each and every person

Best wishes

Alex

[lynn P.]

Thank you for your post. I lost my brother to suicide 3 yrs this past April. I talk about it occasionally in the forums. When I'm answering a post that expreses intentions, I do mention this fact but rarely share the pain I've felt because I know the person suffering can't deal with hearing more pain.

I also lost a grandmother before I was even born. Many times for families, there's a great deal of varied emotion and a deep residue of shame. I decided I wasn't going to carry this burden of shame. I've told my girls what their Uncle decided to do. I think it's important to discuss it and educate the general public - not be afraid to bring the subject up. Unfortunately it's happening more with teens and they suffer alone with their feelings. I think schools should talk about this and families should make it clear there's a strong safety net if someone needs to talk. The only positive thing that's come from this is, through sharing my experience, I've been able to help others who feel desperate here at PC.

[Aardwolf]

Lynn, I'm sorry for your loss ! thankyou for your post, and your experiences regarding this matter ! I do hope it helps someone !

Alex

[Can't Stop Crying]

Lost an aunt and a cousin to suicide

If I had succeeded...

I wouldn't be watching my boys grow into young men

I would have left my husband alone

I would have left some questioning why they didn't do more

I would have missed all the ups and downs and in betweens that life has in store...

Alex
I, also have been on both sides of this fence. I assume you are a paramedic or police officer. I understand what you are saying and part of me agrees, yet there is another part that longs for comfort. I think suicide is the wrong kind of comfort, but when you are in that black head space, it's difficult to see that.
What about you? Do you have a debriefing?Are you all right?
What ever your job may be, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing it and doing it with such compassion and care. Please make sure to take care of you!

[Aardwolf]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

Alex
I, also have been on both sides of this fence. I assume you are a paramedic or police officer. I understand what you are saying and part of me agrees, yet there is another part that longs for comfort. I think suicide is the wrong kind of comfort, but when you are in that black head space, it's difficult to see that.
What about you? Do you have a debriefing?Are you all right?
What ever your job may be, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing it and doing it with such compassion and care. Please make sure to take care of you!

You assume correct, but without saying it, i'm not a paramedic.
And yes suicide is not the right type of comfort. It is comforting to think about it for those who are in that situation, and it makes perfect sense. I would know as I've been there many a time, and actually attempted it myself.
Now however that I deal with the after-effects, something which a lot of people never actually deal with, it puts it in a different perspective.
Yes I have debriefs, yes my line managers are the best people to talk to over a cup of tea after these situations ! So don't worry about me, My job takes care of me, and I have to stay emotionally unattached to these situations.
Thankyou for you praise, It means a lot to me in a job, where praise externally is few and far between.
Sounds odd, but it makes a nice change when most shifts I am chasing after people