[Taonuviel]

I want to die. I'm wallowing, and somewhat dramatic, and started remembering lines from Hamlet's Soliloquy - which I actually managed to memorize entirely and quote to my teacher in... 12th or 11th grade. I dunno, but it seems to me choosing to memorize that contemplation of suicide ought to warrant some concern to teachers... maybe?

Anyway...
I think I could have been good friends with this guy. He's gay, so strictly friends. If only life were different. I'm probably a bit too needy, too... but I could be a lot more fun if I weren't so depressed from loneliness. But he's moving at the end of the summer, to the East coast where he can marry and they plan to stay. That's the third person who's ever shown any kind of interest in friendship with me, who's moving within two months from this realization.

But I was wanting to die apart from that, anyway. I'm so tired, I don't want to deal with anything any more! Unlike Hamlet I'm not afraid of what comes after death - not really even a suicide - but don't believe God will let me do it. There's my fear - to destroy my body without achieving death. At worst anyway. Best outcome would be failing without significant bodily damage and ending up in the psych hospital again... that would go over well with the school of social work in which I'm enrolled, I'm sure...

If only I could freeze time, and have a lovely place under a sprawling, beautiful tree on soft green grass without bugs/arachnids (butterflies would be ok) and with the warm sun shining from a blue sky with spotty big, fluffy white clouds and a gentle breeze to just sleep in... and rest in... until I feel better... and birds tweeting contentedly nearby but never pooping on me of course... oh and a cool spring bubbling over smooth rocks with that wonderful sound such water movement makes... and a basset hound to enjoy it all with me. That sounds heavenly... literally what my design of heaven would probably look a lot like...

*sigh* Ok, time to get myself to bed... maybe sleep at a reasonable time tonight...

[Taonuviel]

So much for sleeping at a reasonable time tonight. Last 2 1/2 hours spent thinking miserable thoughts, tossing back and forth, and crying.

I feel so alone.

Realized I could go almost a full week before anyone noticed I was missing enough to check on me. Then it'd be my mother. That's how disconnected I am...

Not that I'm planning anything. Suicide isn't an option - most regrettably.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Taonuviel,

sorry to hear that things are not feeling great right now - I could so sit with you in a:

place under a sprawling, beautiful tree on soft green grass without bugs/arachnids (butterflies would be ok) and with the warm sun shining from a blue sky with spotty big, fluffy white clouds and a gentle breeze to just sleep in... and rest in... until I feel better... and birds tweeting contentedly nearby but never pooping on me of course... oh and a cool spring bubbling over smooth rocks with that wonderful sound such water movement makes... and a basset hound to enjoy it all with me. That sounds heavenly... literally what my design of heaven would probably look a lot like...

Although it would be a smooth coated retriever for me - my Grandmother's friend had a Basset Hound called Jeeves and he was such a lovely dog, such a deep bark.

I guess in these darker places, we have to hold on to the fact that they do pass in time. Thinking of you.

[littleyellowspider]

I studied Hamlet this past semester in college and felt a connection to him. I actually had trouble learning the important stuff about the play because I just kept concentrating on how I felt so bad for him.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and lonely. I know that that is a very hard situation to be in. lots of ((hugs)) and I hope you are able to find some comfort.

Your idea of heaven sounds lovely but I hope you are able to find parts of it here on earth.