[dragonfly2]

It's the end of the school year and I have finally had a chance to look at my daughter's fourth grade writing journal. All year, the teacher has been asking thought-provoking questions and the children have written their answers in the journal.

One of the entries stopped me cold:

"If I could spend the day as another person I'd choose my mom because she gets to stay home and do nothing while laying down all day and she doesn't even have an ear infection."

The date on this entry is from last September, about a month after I had to stop working due to a severe depressive episode. I know we told our kids that I wasn't feeling well, but we try not to make a big deal about it so as not to worry them. Now, she was only nine when she wrote this, and I know kids are quite resilient....but now it makes me wonder what their perspective of things really is.

Guess I just needed to share that.

[AvidReader]

Dragonfly....I can relate. When my daughter (now almost 13) was the exact same age and grade, she brought home a school art project in which she had to draw each family member's favorite activity. Mom's (mine) was "lying down." I felt very similarly to you. I try so hard to protect my kids from the effects of my depression, but they are so perceptive.

My best to you.

[whenwillitend]

Aw, I'm sorry, I bet that didn't feel good.

I have an almost 9 year old son, and he doesn't know anything about my depression. BUT, there was an article in the last Parents magazine about moms with depression. And it said that it's much better to sit down with kids and explain to them that mommy has an illness, and sometimes that causes mommy to x/y/z...., and that it has nothing to do with them when mommy is crabby, or tired, or cries. It said not to use the word "depression" in kids under 8 years old.
I haven't done this yet, but I will definitely sit down with my son and explain this to him. Especially since he has a mood disorder too.

Good luck to you!

[dragonfly2]

Thank you, ladies.

I've been able to put some distance between myself and the journal entry tonight and am feeling better. I know she's just a child and she actually was recovering from an ear infection at the time, so she wasn't feeling particularly well herself. It just really took my breath away for a minute there.

I will think about how best to talk about this some more with my kids. They know I wasn't well last Fall and they know that's why I'm not working any more. Three out of four of us are on psych meds, so it's not exactly a family secret, lol. Actually, my fourth grader is going in for an evaluation this summer to rule out early-onset bipolar - she is no stranger to depressions herself, but so far hers have only been in winter. So that would make all four of us if she is diagnosed with anything. Gotta love genetics.

Thanks again.

[littlebitlost]

Oh I relate. My little girl is in year 2. We were planning some special event on the weekend and when I was tucking her in she said "please Mummy try not to get sick before the XYZ" And it just broke my heart.

I hear ya.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( dragonfly2 ))))))))))))))

[littleyellowspider]

I am so sorry to hear this. I don't have any children so I'm not going to even pretend that I really know what that's like.

But I work in a summer children's theatre and 2 days ago a 13 year old girl who I've been working with for years and says that I'm her role model said to me "When I grow up and have a lot of money, I'm going to get liposuction so that I can be skinny and look just like you." I was horrified. She doesn't know I have an ED and I felt so bad that from her point of view it seemed like I was doing something she wanted to do.

((hugs))

[dragonfly2]

It's funny how kids pick up on things sometimes and then other times their perceptions surprise you. I remember when I was young, maybe seven years old, and one of my great aunts died. When my parents were getting ready to go to the funeral, I said, "how come you guys get all the fun??" Clearly, I didn't really understand that someone had died. Even though I'm sure they told me, all I knew was that my parents were getting dressed up and going out while I had to stay home.

So, I'm trying to maintain some perspective, while still keeping in mind how my illness might affect the kids. They can also be a good barometer, though. Back when I was just getting sick again last summer, I was in the car talking to my fourth grader and I apologized for not feeling well lately and that I was sorry I couldn't really be there for her right now. She said, "that's okay...but yeah, you're not there...". Ugh. That's when I knew that I had to take some time off from work to try to heal. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to recover from the episode for a few months and with the added psychosis and dissociation I experience, I've had to go back on disability. But it really was the best thing I could have done, and now I have the reserves to be there for my kids a lot more.

to you all.

[turquoisesea]

I'm not sure I'm in the right here, I'm not a mother and I'm only 23. But have you thought about simply trying to explain depression in simple terms to your child? I know we like to protect children from "inappropriate" things but it can hurt just as much to be too shielded and lied to (even if for the right reasons). Your child seems to be smart/aware/old enough to realize that something more than an ear infection is going on so maybe she could understand something like this:

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something I found out about at the doctors. I have something called depression, its a disease that makes people really tired, sad and *insert some of your symptoms here* - so I'm going to be home sometimes. You don't need to worry about it, it just makes you sick more often and need to rest.

Try comparing it to something they recognize - like having a cold but really often, or something your child has actually had before so she can try to understand.

Obviously word it like normal but maybe a simple explanation... would you tell your child if you had really bad arthritis? How would you explain that to her? What if you got (these are basically no chances but it's a similar disease in some ways) mono? Or broke a leg?

sorry this happened - I myself would feel HORRIBLE THAT my child felt that way =(

[dragonfly2]

Oh, we have talked about it, and the kids know I have bipolar disorder. She knows that sometimes mommy gets sad and it's not her fault, etc, etc...like I said earlier, we're all affected by mental illness somehow (husband with depression and ADD, older daughter with Asperger's, ADD and mood disorder, my younger one showing some signs). While I'm not trying to protect my kids, per se, I do try to minimize the amount of disruption my moods can cause and I feel bad when it's become apparent that I'm just not coping well. Lots of times I find that I'm the one keeping things going. If I'm not well enough to cook, we get take out. I'm the one who will go outside and play with my daughter when I'm well, not my husband, so when I'm not well she really notices it. Part of that is that my husband just plain needs to step up more, and he has been getting better. Part of it is that I need to be better about asking for help around the house so things don't come to a standstill when I'm down.

I definitely know where you're coming from, though.

[turquoisesea]

oh it's good that you've had a talk with her. And it DOES sound like your husband needs to step up. Are you working right now or stay at home? What hours does your husband have at work?

[dragonfly2]

I used to work full time, but I have been home on disability for almost a year now. My husband's schedule has changed over the last few months, and will change again next week. He was laid off from his job last March and has been through a bit of upheaval himself. He will finally be back on the shift he prefers (evenings) as of Monday. That will actually make things a bit harder for me, though, than having him here in the evenings has been.

It's very strange - the cooking thing is especially challenging. Now, he has 10 years of professional cooking experience - everything from prep cook to full banquets for hundreds of people. Do you think he could open the fridge and see that the chicken on the bottom shelf goes with the broccoli in the drawer and the pasta and sauce in the cabinet?? Nope. I have dubbed him "cupboard blind", lol. Unless I lay things out in front of him and say, "here, cook this", he can't do it. Then there are times when, even if I do say, "can you please make this", he just plain doesn't want to cook (he's not doing it at work anymore either), and we end up getting take out. ($$!) So then money gets tight, and I get stressed about it, and we get into this crazy cycle. Like I said, he has been getting better, but he definitely needs a push. My kids also have chores, but you know how that can go with kids sometimes. But, let them complain all they want, as long as the dishes get done, right? Wears me out some days, though.

[turquoisesea]

Yeah getting kids to do chores can be as tiring or even more tiring than doing them yourself! It is a good thing though, they CAN be helpful and in my opinion children should have a balance between being a kid but also learning responsibility =) So you're right on track there :P

It's funny you mention that about your husband - I've been living with my boyfriend 2 years. He has some issues too that aren't being treated and he has trouble getting stuff done especially around the house. When I'm not depressed it's not too much of a problem - i just pick up the slack. But when I AM depressed for a week or two, the whole place is a mess.

I wonder if being a professional actually gets in the way of cooking for him? Have you tried (I'm guessing you have but just checking) actually splitting which days each of you have to cook? Like you get all Mondays he gets all Tuesdays to avoid confusion? You could tell him he can cook in advance for his days on his days off or whenever so you can heat up things throughout the week. I know my Dad used to make this HUGE thing of lasagne - he'd make the sauce himself, layer the noodles sauce cheese etc - then freeze about 3 pans of it and we'd have one pan over the course of a week. They'd just make veggies to go along with it. then my mom didn't have to do as much cooking the rest of the week. And a few weeks later, more lasagne would come out of the freezer. Maybe as an ex-pro chef he'd be able to manage that kind of portioning and cooking large amounts?

It also must be really hard for him switching shifts around. Not to mention for you too *hugs*

[dragonfly2]

It's really funny, but yes, his professional cooking experience actually does get in the way of cooking at home. He's been out of the professional kitchen for 10 years now, but he still hasn't been able to adapt. He's used to being given a menu and an ingredients list. If I gave him a nice basket of ingredients with a menu card and a bow, he'd be fine, lol. (A wee bit o'sarcasm there, lol). But he can't come up with dinner on his own, no matter how well the pantry is stocked. Some days I don't really even have the energy to point him in the right direction. When faced with the task of "gotta feed the kids and do something about dinner" on his own, he reaches for the phone. I, on the other hand, can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and improvise quite well, even if there isn't much to work with. I'm not asking him to do that, but a little initiative and opening his eyes to the big picture (ie:ingredients in multiple kitchen locations) would be a big help. On the flip side, when I'm hypomanic, we eat like kings, lol. Normal days are good, but I can go from being unable to get off the couch to make boxed mac-n-cheese to being a whirlwind and making homemade mac-n-cheese, AND BBQ pulled pork AND homemade bread AND homemade turkey pot pie AND....in a matter of a couple of days. That's when I'm able to freeze a lot and make it last for a while. What I need to find is the sweet spot in between where I can make a few days worth of meals and freeze them. I love Rachael's Ray's new show where she makes five meals in one day and you just have to make fresh pasta or rice or something and heat up the main course. I've been able to do that a couple of times and it has worked out well...as long as I'm feeling well, that is. If I tank in the middle of the week, the chicken I grilled on Tuesday for Thursday's quesadillas just gets eaten plain by a husband and kids who just can't be bothered.

For a while there, he would cook on Saturdays, so I'd at least get one day off...but even then, I had to show him what to cook. I even brought him along with me grocery shopping so he could be included in meal planning...didn't help. *sigh* Ah well...it's a work in progress.

[turquoisesea]

How about making him menu cards while you're hypomanic? I mean it would be better if he could just DO it, but maybe if the kitchen were organized in a way that was easier for him it would be easier for you to get him to help especially when you're low?

make your kitchen a restaurant (lol - seriously though if it works)