[Sanada]

I have been Depressed since i was born i think. I'm not sure but if any whom reads this and visits the post i wrote in 'grief and loss' in the forums, you will see why it's been with me my whole life.
Its OK though, being depressed; its something i've become used too. I think i was happiest when i was in my mothers womb. Asleep and floating in amniotic fluid. Waking now and again to strech out (which is often mistaken for a kick to pregnant women), i do wish that phrase would be changed to 'oh, my baby just streched; instead of my baby just kicked. Ah well, i dont come up with these phrases.

When i was born, i was born kicking and screaming (just like shakespear said), into this world. I'm sure my screaming as a baby was 'put me back in, put me back in. Alas not to be. Again thats OK though, i like being alive and living an adventure called life.
I am i no rush to go anywhere, in fact i want to live forever.

Depression started when i first felt an emotional pain, it was worse than being burned by fire for the first time or being struck by a needle in sewing class in home economics. It was a pain that i knew i could not get rid of, unlike fire or a needle prick; i knew i could not just run cold water over it or put a band aid on.
Its been with me all my life now, so guess i would be classes as mentaly depressed. Again thats fine by me, "what am i going to do", demand to be back inside my mothers womb". No, i just have to accept depression.

I am a male, 40yrs old and alone. When i leave my home i dont wear make up but i have my psychological make up on. Make up for all events and eventualities. I have to put this 'smile' on like make up, out side i'm fine, inside i'm screaming at the top of my voice at the world i drown in.
I am shouting 'wake up, wake up', at the people that i meet. Pathetic petty politics going on all the time, fighting, robbing, killing, wars, famine, starvation. People suffering in ways I cannot imagine, and in ways others in my life cannot imagine, i just want to scream; but i just smile.

Given the choice, maybe i would chose a life forever inside my mothers womb, but then again, knowing what i know now, i would chose to be right here right now.
Being depressed is like to me, something i cannot put my finger on. I am happy some of the time, then very very unhappy some of the time. I feel like a yo-yo inside a washing machine thats being emptied and filled up with dirty washing over over and over again, then emptied with the clean washing. Its weird, its a fact, its something i am now used to.

How do i deal with this, i have no idea. Some very very strange events have happened to me. I have SI/SH'd, i have attempted sui once, but it was a boched job and i'm glad for that. I am seeing a T, i am seeing (when i can because he is a busy man), a priest. I am doing everything in my power to get help and at the same time, and then; not doing everything in my power to get help. I lucid dream and they are proper strange, just normal everyday lucid dreaming; i am not stupid either. I am able to judge or track where a dream comes from, But; woh, i cannot explain away what i know and have seen, using psychology or philosophy or some book i read, or film i saw, or some music i listened to.

I am dealing with my horror of what i have become through being depressed, (nothing sinister), just at the confusion of life and where i fit into it all.
My being depressed to me is normal now, i have stopped si/sh'ing since i found PC, my depression is something else, I Still Want To Scream At The World, while inside i place on my psychological make up and smile. Its a thing. Its a fcked up thing (sorry for the french).
Dealing with it, i just have to, what else can i do.
I hope that PC can help me, in ways my T or Priest cannot.
I say to my T before we talk about depression lets define it first (and i dont mean the meaning from a book or dictionary).
If anyone can define it to me in a clear way i would be happy.

I think this forum may help, lets see.

[alassnsane]

depression isn't your broken heart and missing someone who is gone, that is love, loss and cause and effect...depression isn't feeling like a misfit, isolated and inadequate when you're young, that's hormones and learning yourself, for all your freakin' overdone teenage drama that's all it really is, kids...depression isn't wanting an end to chronic, debilitating physical pain that's called being a normal, sentient being...depression isn't loneliness, loneliness is a normal human response for a being alone...

depression is the death of possibility...depression is feeling utterly empty inside, a gradual dawning that your internal landscape is dry & barren...depression is feeling nothing beyond a growing, seething hatred and disdain for this life and for all those who have assured you throughout that it's worth it, for nearly everyone in all honesty...depression is finding out that there is very, very little left in this world that interests you beyond a passing distraction, and that often your reactions are now nothing more than rote responses...depression is learning that those bells and whistles have to keep getting louder to grab your attention at all and knowing that one day, very soon you will deafen....depression is laughing only occasionally and only ever on the outside, the sickening realization that it's nothing more than force of habit and then wondering why you bothered, wondering how long you've been doing this and a desperate fear at the idea of stopping the pretense....depression is wanting to feel ANYTHING, anything other than utterly jaded and anger...depression is knowing how every ****ing movie is going to end and every ****ing pat response out of every ****ing mouth that offers some trite and done to death, cliched, verbal band aid...depression is being Done...depression is a loved one telling you that they couldn't go on w/o you, knowing they mean it and your shoulders sagging after they leave the room because you're reminded you must stick with...

[Rohag]

Hello, Sanada!

If anyone can define it [depression] to me in a clear way i would be happy.

I cannot say I have suffered depression since birth. Depression has been with me for years, though, and I still struggle for a vocabulary to describe my experience to myself and others.

To greatly oversimplify, for me depression manifests not so much as emotional sadness but as a disease of the will, a severely decayed capacity for self-mobilization.

Sanada, how much of what you are currently experiencing is long-term depression versus grieving for your lost relationship? Perhaps it's not possible to disentangle them.

How the First Nine Months Shape the Rest of Your Life

http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,...020815,00.html

[Sanada]

Wow thanks guys.
I need that reply to the spectrum of depression.

Depression to be defined. Maybe it is eternal pain and suffering and grieving over a loss, or an eternal grieving of what 'may' had been.
Who knows.
Thanks 4 the input and i will be coming back to read you're replys, over and over and over and over and over again...

[garden]

Byz, thanks for the article. This puts a few things in perspective for me as well.