[Lexicon78]

All I did tonight was read a post from my friend LadyDragus, then tears welled up in my eyes. Then I heard my stupid freakin bf watching some porn on tv...that made it worse. I could feel my body get so tight and hot...my face felt like it was on fire. Now for some reason that I do not know I want to cut so badly. I hate fighting it anymore...ok I'll stop that talk. But I don't even know what I'm thinking. I am just FEELING. Feeling what, I do not know. Jealousy, hurt, yearning, etc. Hell, for all I know I could be wanting something else, something more than anyone could ever give me.

Am I enough for any man? Am I enough for the stupid man that sits in the livingroom? Well, if he has to watch porn I am definitely not! And what about my friend? Why would I cry over her post? I don't understand what is going on with me tonight. I'm not wanting to end it all, and I'm not feeling enraged. I just feel.

I can't seem to put a finger on what I am even feeling! How freakin crazy is that?

[JustBen]

I'm not defending your boyfriend or pornography, but I can tell you that the fact that your boyfriend watches pornography is not a reflection on you. Men don't view pornography because they have unmet needs. I know it's difficult to understand, but it's just one of those differences between the way men and women think.

Hi Lex,
What was the subject matter from LD's post? That has a lot to do with it but you never specified what it was.
I think you need to get away from your bf. Not because he's watching porn but because if I knew somebody had been sexually abused-I'd be careful with watching porn around them and how it may effect them. To me, that just makes sense.
If your bf doesn't have the sensitivity to you and what you've been through, enough to at least try to HIDE the fact that he's watching porn, then he's got to go because he's not right for you. You need a nuturer in your life. Someone who's sensitive and giving. From your posts-it doesn't sound like he's either.
I may be wrong. I'm just going by what I'm reading.
Lex, please, get away from this guy. You are not crazy. You were probably triggered from the porn. I'm not a doctor but that would make sence to me.
((((((((((((Lex))))))))))))))

[dottie]

Awww for once I disagree with ya' Ben. Have you ever heard of "Garbage in...garbage out"?

[dottie]

Lexi...could it be that you are having a moral or spiritual conflict with your BF?. That could be part of the puzzle!?

Hope you will think about this. Take care!

[hillbunnyb]

gentle bumps for you )) )))Lexy((( ((

[JustBen]

I don't think we actually disagree, Dottie. I agree with Garbage In/Garbage Out. I just don't think Lexi should be blaming herself because her boyfriend is choosing garbage. He's not choosing garbage because Lexi isn't "enough" for him, in other words.

[dottie]

He's watching garbage. She does not like that. Her opinion should count for something in their relationship. Surely he knows that she is hurt by his fascination with Porn.

Yet he pursues something that is helping to drive a wedge between them. Love is respecting the feelings of the partner. Lexi...I hope you will find happiness, girl...I just don't see it happening with this fellow. My most humble opinion!

[EJ711]

Lexicon,

Having feelings is good. Knowing how to express them in positive ways is extremely good.

Porn is unhealthy period. If your bf can't give up the porn, my advice would be to give up the bf.

Don't know what your friend's post was about, but it sounds like it triggered some deep emotion in you. It is nothing wrong with not knowing what is triggering your emotions right away. Most people have many issues they are dealing with on any given day. Sometimes, you need to give yourself some time to figure it out. What positive action helps you to feel calm? I have a friend who takes hot baths, when she needs to reflect and take some time for herself.

Hope this note finds you feeling better.

We're here for you.

Jane - Oz

I had a boyfriend that liked to watch porn. It used to make me very upset until I sat down with him and said ok explain it to me. I ask you not to, I tell you about my past and still you do it. Whats up? then he told me about "blue balls" for those who don't know that is a physical condition in men if they are not stimulating and releasing everything gets literally blue in color and in a sense "stopped up". to prevent this "playing" helps. because I am an abuse survivor I can't always play on cue where as porn can. Its not the womens body per se. for him it was the emotional elements of sounds and facial expressions that do it. He knew he had me physically and sometimes mentally but there were things that he could fantasize with during porn that he couldn't with me just because I am sexual abuse survivor. I didn't ask him to hide but I did ask that he use the bedroom tv that was equiped with headphones so I could go about my stuff in the rest of the house without having to pass the tv and hear it going on.

[drunksunflower]

awww lex *hugs*.

i don't really know what to say as i don't really know the situation with your bf. what myself has said seems to make sense to me though.

guys use porn for such a variety of reasons. i did some research a few years ago at uni for a paper i was doing and i found it SO interesting examining the reasons for people viewing porn etc. i would never take a bf watching it as an insult towards me, from what i learned, and i hope you don't either.

but then again you need to be comfortable in your own house so maybe there is some way he can watch it when you aren't around, taking your feelings into consideration more.

good luck hun.

[Lexicon78]

He shouldn't have any problems with sex with me...we have it all the time. I do everything he wants me to do and moan and all that crap. I do everything they do on the porn, basically. How do you think I learned to be good in bed? Anyways, I'm just too upset about this crap anymore.

[EJ711]

Lexi,
You've grown, he has seemingly not, so maybe it is time for you to move on.
Wanting what is best for you,
Jane - Oz