[Yack]

So I am in a rut and can't get out.

Seriously.

I don't know what to do. I keep getting in stupid arguments with everyone and I feel like I am going nuts.

Everyone says I seem better but I do not feel better - I mean I do not feel like myself.

Small improvements, that's it. And it has been a year.

I am worried about school. I am not going back until Sept. But I am worrying because I have never been as dysfunctional as I am right now in my life.

So much has happened to me in 3 years and I am getting really upset. In 4 years in college I blew through 120 credits easily and never had any problems.

Since then, my parents moved, I was sick for 9 mo (physically), which caused me to have to leave school, started back again. Was there for 8 mo, no problems, then the "good friend/former neighbor" I was living with unexpectedly sold her house (after 50 years in the same place), at the same time I met V, abusive relationship, court stuff, stayed in school through all of if but....

I had to cut my courseload in the summer it happened, had to take 2 incompletes from the spring, never found an internship, and eventually went to court and now I am like this.....

How can I not be upset? I have earned only 27 graduate credits in 3.5 years and I have been through 2 nightmares - one lasting 9 mo and the other lasting 9 mo until I left school.

Now I am dealing with hating where I live - I am so confused, I feel like my life is constantly being turned upside down and I do not know what to do.

[Lexicon78]

I think this is how it works. A lot of times we cannot accomplish things in big steps...it takes little steps, which result in little improvements. Healing is such a slow process for people and, yes, it is quite disappointing, but we eventually get to where we need to be.

Hang in there.

[Yack]

Thanks Lex...

I am scared though...not feeling like myself...is a scary thing...although people keep saying that after all of this it is not surprising I am a a mess...

I was also told small steps...but I hate it....The progression is so slow it is horrible. I am upset bec. i can't just snap back to myself.

[Lexicon78]

I get upset because I cannot get back to my old self, too. It's very frustrating when you go from being very sociable, outgoing, a real party person and everything to being upset all the time, not very into people anymore, and never going out. I really hate the person I have become.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Yack))))))))))))))))))

[EJ711]

Yack,

Feelings are not always a good indicator of how well you are actually doing. My life was turned upside down going on four years ago. I haven't been able to get mine back on track yet either. Try to be patient with yourself. When you've been a high achiever, it is harder to do this. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk more in depth about things.

EJ

[JustBen]

I agree with EJ. I think being a high achiever might be playing a role here. You're used to doing really well with school. Taking small steps isn't satisfying for a high achiever, but your life is not like school. It doesn't work the same way. I don't know, just a thought.

Hi Yack,
I think you're doing good. I think it'll take awhile to get back to where you use to be but you're moving in the right direction.
((((((((((Yack))))))))))))) Things will keep getting better.

[Yack]

Ben...You are right...the high achiever thing is a problem - a hindrance, more than anything...I am trying to get back to "that" and I don't know how...

I expect to be perfect all the time, so going from how I was to being unable to drive a car b/c of anxiety makes me a little....uhh...mad? Upset? I am going, what the heck?

Where did I go?? Existential crisis.

Jax, Lex, and EJ - thanks for the support...

I feel better today - posted that up in general.

Yes, I have PTSD. Depression, anxiety, etc, etc, etc, just want to see the road out...I have to start from 0.

Therapists instructions:

Get in the car. Drive to the end of the driveway. Drive around the block. Keep doing that. Then drive to my office.

[JustBen]

Good instructions.

[Yack]

Yup.

I just hate this though. Why do things have to be like this?

I don't know. It bites, though.

[Yack]

It does bite. Oh well.

[EJ711]

Yack,

A couple of thoughts.

Inevitably when we experience unwanted detours on our road of life, it increases our empathy for other people and their challenges.

When I lived in the South, I learned a new expression. Southerners will call you a mess, in an affectionate way. It is their way of saying you are funny, wonderful and their friend. It takes a little getting used to. The first time my friend called me that. I said, "What?"

Also you mentioned wanting to get back to yourself. Well that person may not exist anymore. When we go through experiences we don't understand, it changes us. It's like a metamorphical experience -- and when you make it through -- you come out as a beautiful butterfly!!

Glad today has been a good day for you. Wishing you many more good days!!!

EJ.

[Yack]

EJ...

Thank you...I like your metaphor...

Transformations are good...I just didn't expect all of this all at once...Being physically ill was a lot and it transformed me - I was more appreciative, and felt I could share that with others....

This is so hard, and it's different.....
--------------------------
I feel awake today, which is good...

---------------

Before I flipped out, I wanted to use this experience and bring it into my coursework to help others with mental health issues cope with abuse and PTSD...

I was just beginning to gear up to teach and really enjoyed presenting and wanted to design a seminar or soemthing like it...Those were my plans a year ago, before I lost it.

I wrote a 30 page paper on PTSD before this. I loved my career path. I read the words, I knew the drugs, I knew the therapies, it was something I was profoundly interested in...

I know I will be ok. I just don't know when.

The irony is sickening...and a little strange...this was what I wanted to do. I lived in my department. Those professors were my family, my mentors, and my future.

I think I feel like I have lost them all...