[emptybee15]

With all the things I have gone through, while being a sensitive person to begin with, have completely screwed me up as a person. I have like zero emotions for things. I don't empathize with/for people anymore, if I hear someone died I just say "oh" (family too, we aren't a close-knit group) and will not attend any funerals or anything because it is too awkward and I won't show emotions in front of people, I don't want to be intimate with my partner, I am starved for attention so much that I get jealous of every little bond a person I care about has with someone else, I want to be with someone and alone all at the same time (same with having friends). I know I sound like a selfish twit, but it's not for nothing. I think it comes from realizing no one has my back, so I have to have my own, and I became self-absorbed. The thing is, NO ONE understands that. No one I have ever brought up my mental to has ever comprehended what I'm talking about, which makes me feel like a crazy, leper/alien that should just go get freakin' lost somewhere.

I've been through so much I don't even want to try building a relationship with someone, it's too much work. I feel like the love and attention I was supposed to get from family was never given, so, I'll just never get it, which makes me not want to even be bothered with trying. However, in my mind and heart, I want my fairytale love story. I just think I'm too messed up to be with a decent person, I'm damaged goods that should just be thrown away. I can NOT stop the bad thoughts no matter what I do, they just continue to fill my head and cause me to act in a way I regret later. Mental Disorders are the worst. I'd much rather be the person missing a leg or something that still sees all the joy in life no matter what is wrong. I guess that comes from childhood nurturing, which I really never had. Anyway, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make us all better. Good Wishes to you all.

[kaliope]

Parts of your story sounds very much like mine. I feel very broken, damaged by the lack of nurturing from my family and have been unable to feel connected for most of my life because of it. Now, at 48, and stabilized on medication, I am finally building relationships with my own children as well as a few people i can call friends. In a way, that magic wand I so desperately have been praying for all my life has finally touched my life here and there and brought me hope. I am still single after a very long time tough, because as you said, it doesnt seem worth it, but yes, i do want that fairy tale romance as much as i will deny it.

[Rohag]

Hello, Emptybee15!

Originally Posted by emptybee15

No one I have ever brought up my mental to has ever comprehended what I'm talking about...

***sigh*** Yes. When one is in distress, it's natural to reach out to those people to whom we're theoretically closest -- family and friends. But, with "mental problems," family and friends so rarely have any conception.

Originally Posted by emptybee15

...which makes me not want to even be bothered with trying. However, in my mind and heart, I want my fairytale love story.

In my experience and observations, fairy tales happen when you're not trying or looking. A paradox...

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ I can relate to the lack of nurturing as a child. I never got that either. When I "grew up" there was a long time when I feel I was still a child mentally -- I just wanted to be taken care of. I didn't want to do any of the 'work' myself.

I sought out therapy -- and I'm glad I did. Perhaps seeing a good therapist will help you too. It worked wonders for me, and I was able to release alot of anger and resentment that I didn't really know that I had. I learned alot about myself in therapy -- and it makes it easier to deal with other people.

Get a referral from your medical doctor to a good therapist. You won't be sorry. God bless & keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

[danii24]

Posted by emptybee15

"I want to be with someone and alone all at the same time (same with having friends)."

I completely get it. i want to be with someone and have more friends but when i try there is too much holding me bac. Its for diff reasons to yours i came from a very loving family. I cant do relationships i want 1 but when i find some1 i like i freak out for me its fear of rejection and issues with abuse that hold me back. but i completely get what your saying