[Lexicon78]

<font color="purple"> </font> I live my life day in and day out acting like I am happy. Not a bad thing, right? Well, really I'm not as happy as I seem. I was raised that you had to be that way. You know act happy, be nice to everyone, don't be rude or mean or any of that. So that's how I am. If someone starts screaming and yelling at me or hits me or whatever, I just stand there and take it. Why? Because it's not nice to do otherwise.

Like the other day I got really angry with my friend (see post title Static in Friendship on Relationships forum) and said nothing because it would be rude and not nice at all. I never say what I want to, never do what I want to, never really am the person I want to be.

Every morning I wake up saying in a happy upbeat tone, "Hi honey, I love you!" when really I want to just roll over and ignore the other person in bed with me. Or I say nothing when we are fighting when I really want to tell him to go to hell or something like that. Anyways, I just feel miserable sometimes and don't like being this way.

Does anyone else struggle this way?

Hey, Rachel!

Yeah, I know how it is! I always try to please other people and be sooo nice! Sometimes I get really sick of myself, not being able to tell people what I really feel!
I mean you have the right to feel, to think the way you do and to express it too. We must allow ourselves to be the persons we really are instead of hiding our true selves. It´s so hard to learn how to act in a different way, but we´ll succed if we keep on trying!

Stand up for yourself, Rachel! (and to myself: You do that too, Nina!)

Hugs
Nina

[Lexicon78]

I'm a terrible person for all of this! I'm 2-faced and don't like it at all!

Rachel, it´s not easy to erase what you´ve been taught right from the begining of your life! Don´t beat yourself up about this! The person that you hurt the most is yourself, but now you´ve realized how things are and now you can start taking steps forward to be true to yourself and others. Try to say one thing today that you know might not be what the other person wants to hear, but is coming from YOU. You will find strenght knowing that you stood up for what was in YOUR mind. I have started to learn how to say what I really mean- but there´s a long road to go...

We´ll make it!

Nina

[hillbunnyb]

Tuffy, but, Lex, yer not a fake. We've been trained. Untraining and re=training ourselves takes time and work and patience with ourselves. Just do the best you can in the moment and forgive yourself that you're not yet who you want to be.

I just flashed on those plastic smiling face forms that get attached to fruit tree buds so the fruit will grow up with a smiling face. I am like: leave the apple alone, geee whiz, already..... Our situations put smiley faces on us. Unlike apples, we can outgrow those imposed limits and recover our true selves, fluid in our many faces.

[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple"> ((((((lexi))))))))) You are not alone in this at all. I live my life like that as well. I was raised not to express any emotion unless it was with a smile. If I was in physical pain I could cry but not longer than my dad felt was fit, or if I was scared I was chastized for feeling that way as well as any anger. OH my! Heaven forbid I ever feel angry! I have a terribly time dealing with emotions openly, because I tend to not react appropriate. Such as when someone dies, I will be smiling, No I dont feel happy or pleased that someone died, just that was the only acceptable behavior and so when sad things happen that is how I automatically react. I hate it. I am a pretender. I mean I conform to how I think others expect me to be, I am afraid to let others know what I am really thinking or how I am really feeling. There are times when I can and it feels great to do so , but usually it ends up making me feel worse... I dont know which end is up anymore or what it is I am suppose to feel, say, or do, or react...
I think thsi means we have been programmed to be people pleasers. It seems like we feel or have been trained to think that our needs arent important compared to others and that we are here for the porpuse of others, at least that is how I feel. It is hard to think of oneself first when we were conditioned to think otherwise. We have to remind ourselves that we are just as importnat as everyone else and that we too deserve true happiness, appreciation, validation, and to have our needs met as well. I know easier said than done, but can be done...Just finding out how.

Ok now I am rambling, sorry!
Melinda</font>

[BlueFaith]

I'm still trying to untrain myself from the way my parents had me trained. I couldn't talk about my problems at all, unless it was something that my parents felt was TRULY a problem. You're not alone, Lex. I wasn't allowed to show my true emotions either. It's tough. Just try to remember that it's not your fault.

time0<-----------extremelly good pretender

((((((((((((Lexicon)))))))))))

[LMo]

You're not a fake, but you're not being true to yourself, either. Your T can help you with that. Baby steps, but it can be done.

(BTW, I still think you should ditch the boyfriend)

[(JD)]

I agree, you're not a fake.. but depressed. Depression tells us all those lies you talk about in your post. Social skills go askew also when we are depressed... and we hold in more than is healthy...and try to stay "within the norm for politeness" while not feeling like it.

It's ok to not respond how you really feel. Don't "beat yourself up about it." It is what it is... depression. But at some point, when you're doing better, you will feel better about yourself to be able to be who you are without feeling guilty... TC

[desirae]

I know exactly what that's like from the other side. My husband can be fake, he tolerates things that I would never tolerate, espeacially from people at work.
I've seen my husband get very burned out, and he drinks to deal with it. I think suppressing all these other emotions are unhealthy, and it could lead to larger problems.
I highly doubt your fake, it sounds as though your just trying to be a decient person. Everybody wants to be decient, but sometimes being real could hurt another person, but it's neccesary at times.
Hope you feel better.
Desirae