[Lexicon78]

I really want to reply to everyone's posts and support everyone, but I can't right now...I just don't have it in me right now. I never knew it would be so hard to refrain from supporting people here.

I haven't been doing well. Me and my bf are fighting a lot. In the past two weeks I've noticed a pattern forming. First I was isolating a lot, then the cutting started, then the voices came, and now I'm so depressed I cannot even think...I'm so negative and self-destructive right now. I don't even know how to get past this right now. A big part of me doesn't even care anymore.

Last night at Wal-Mart I put $100 in my bank account, thinking I was only like $50 in the hole at the most. Well, I was much more than that. $50 of that money was to go to me for a Xmas present from my bf. He was really angry with me. He started yelling at me, saying how he has never in his life bounced a check or anything like that. That it's my fault we don't have any food, any money, any gifts for my dad, any gifts for anybody, and once again he has to go without stuff because of me. He said he's sick of always bailing me out financially. So I said fine, don't give me any more money. That only led to more yelling. He went on to say how much money we owed my dad and that I was draining him and everything. I walked away and went straight to the aisle with all the razors in it. It's the only thing I wanted at that point. I saw a package of double-sided razors...it would've been so easy and I had just enough money for them. Then he came to find me...sitting in front of the razors. He said he was sorry and that he had to vent and that there's nothing we could do now about it. I told him there's always something we could do about it. He asked me what. I didn't want to tell him that I could always slash my wrists and my throat. That would solve all his freakin problems.

When I came home all I wanted to do was cut. No matter how many times he apologized to me for hurting my feelings, the damage was already done. I know how he feels now and nothing can change it. I still want to cut a lot. I know I'm a nothing, a worthless piece of crap, nobody wants me around, a burden on everyone, etc. I know all this. So why do I even stick around? I don't know anymore. I wish I could just disappear forever. The only people that would miss me would be my dad and my sister...nobody else. Even if they did miss me, they'd all get over it. Probably pretty quickly, too. I'm nobody important, have no great strengths, make no differences in anyone's lives, have no clear purpose, have no children...nothing. That's what I am...a nothing really. My bf made it loud and clear how worthless I am and how I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's not like I'm a noticeable individual anyways. I have nothing to offer anyone here.

[hillbunnyb]

OOww Lexy. Ease up, take a breath. I care about you. Lotsa people are about you here, i've read their posts to you . This relationship seems to hold you in hurtful patterns..... I wish you the strength to take care of yourself better. Hang in there, ok? bumpies 4 U )))) ))LEXY(((((( ( ( (

[LadyDragus]

oh sweeite. I am so sorry but I do understand.

YOu logged off so quick tonite I could not say anything.

I love you with all my heart