[Star7]

I am so hopeless and scared! I don't want to exist anymore!! I have been to psychiatrists and counselors for years. I have exhausted treatment options. I have seen so much tragedy and my thoughts are now very dark.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think you should try to call a hotline and talk to someone - you didn't say why you had exhausted your treatment options...

[Star7]

I have tried every anti depressent imaginable. I am thousands of dollars in debt trying TMS Therapy. The latest has been ECT. I have not worked for over two months. I still have the humiliation to ad, of going to my supervisor and telling her that I was very depressed and did not want to live. I don't remember the incident but was told by my sister that my supervisor and the "big" boss took me to the hospital. I think that between the depression and ECT my memory is gone. Scary not knowing and remembering. I have a hard time retaining thoughts or even with conversation. MY personality is gone. I am assuming that I will not be able to work. I am so scared and alone.

[garden gal]

(((Star7))) I agree that calling a hotline, going to the hospital, or finding some way to get some immediate support would be a very good thing. It sounds like things feel hopeless to you right now, but that is what depression does... it clouds our vision and keeps us from being able to see hope.

I've had times of feeling really hopeless too, but then I'll change something, i.e., meds/therapy/supplements/exercise/nutrition/lifestyle, etc... and I'll feel enough better that I'm able to see things more clearly for a while. For me, its like suddenly having just enough light that I can find my way across a darkened room, rather than being immobilized by the darkness. I know that it is frustrating when treatments don't seem to work, but I don't think that any of us every fully exhausts all the options... and science is always learning new things about how to treat this illness.

Be kind to yourself, keep posting here, and find some support to get through this time.

peace,
Garden Gal

[Star7]

((garden gal)) Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.

I just got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago. I realize it was not a place of healing but crisis intervention. I really think the ECT has done something to my mind and spirit.

I do hope this interaction will help with others that understand depression.

Thank you againn for reaching out.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Star7

I just got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago. I realize it was not a place of healing but crisis intervention.

This is important information.

Originally Posted by Star7

I really think the ECT has done something to my mind and spirit.

This is discouraging and frightening. Thank you for sharing.

Do you have someone who can give you practical assistance in matters of getting assistance -- someone to help you get help, the right help?

Please keep posting, Star7.

[Star7]

((Rohag)) I am not sure what the "right" help is. I am currently on STD from work soon to turn into LTD if it is approved. I was really hoping for a miracle so I could work and be normal (whatever normal is).

My psychiatrist said to me this week, "Well I see that you are still alive." He clearly does not know what else to do.

I have a sister that lives on the other side of town. She visits once a week. She is busy with work, husband and grandchild.

Well, it does help to vent. Thanks Rohag