Don't know where to start.

In a bad space at the moment. Lots of negative self-talk running through my head. Going through perimenopause and still having physical symptoms from being taken off an AD. It got so bad today that I didn't go to work. (Not that it would've mattered, since I have nothing to do at work anyway. When I do have something it's a struggle to stay focused.) I went to the ER this weekend with a migraine and ended up hospitalized overnight with heart irregularities. Have to get a stress test done sometime soon.

Still waiting on the VA to process my disability paperwork. It may take a year or longer due to those who have bigger disabilities than me. It's kind of hard to think of my long struggle with depression as a qualifying condition for disability when there are those with no limbs or who have TBIs.

Have an appt with Pdoc tomorrow. Don't want to go back on an SSRI but may have to so the symptoms will stop. She'll ask if I have a new T yet and I'll say no, because it's a pain to get one through the military system as a retiree. I have to get a referral from my regular doc and she's too busy.

Trying not to be a burden on my husband since he has MS and other issues on his plate. I know he worries, though. My daughter starts high school this year and we're concerned about how she'll manage. She has a learning disability and other problems beyond that of a typical teenager.

I just feel useless and like a failure, in spite of others telling me otherwise. It's frustrating to want to do something, but not feeling well enough to do anything. I wish I could give up trying, but I can't as I'm the main provider of money for the house. If I lose my job I don't know what to do; I don't have a good degree and I can't afford to get one right now. I feel like I'm trapped in a colorless world and everything is a shade of blah gray.

Thanks for letting me complain, even though I don't really have a lot to complain about.

Hello, Fharraige!
Waiting on the VA -- How many of us could write that novel?
Exactly. That's depression. These feelings have a life of their own. It's as if they are a "growth" within us that won't respond to coaxing or reason.
Again -- exactly. You want to do something, you try or at least want to try, but you run into a solid invisible wall the moment you lift your hand -- if you can even lift your hand.

Go ahead and complain, Fharraige. You're not alone.

I don't see you as complaining--I see you as sharing. You are going through a rough time right now and it might help you to share some of it.

I read somewhere that it can take 9-12 months for your brain to reconfigure itself without antidepressants.

I think that you should be proud of yourself for all the hardships you've endured, and yet you're able to maintain a job and raise a child while being married! ((Hug)) Mother's like you keep the world going since it is the hardest job in the world. <3

Thanks for the support.

Today is my birthday, but instead I'm dealing with my dad being diagnosed with liver cancer. I'm trying to do nice things for myself today so I can have at least a pleasant day.

Happy birthday, Fharraige! I hope you manage to do something nice and take your mind off things for a while.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. That must be hard.

Best wishes

from Shadow-world

Happy Birthday!!!
I know things seem hard now but luckily in life's courses everything seems to turn over Just think Good thoughts Karma you no

I know that feeling and it's terrifying. On Halloween 2007 my mom was diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 nasopharyngeal cancer that spread to her neck and lymph glands. However she kicked it's butt and four years later is happier and healthier than anyone I know. I certainly wish the same outcome for your dad!!! Please try and have a happy birthday... I know it's hard and people telling you to "think positive" sounds like a load of BS.

Hi Fharraige,

I can really relate. Sending supportive thoughts your way.

I am as baffaled with my situation as you are with yours. The only solice I get is with the thought that this is not a symptom of who I am, it is a medical problem. People deal with much more severe medical issues without feeling that they are usless as a person. Our medical situations don't make us useless either, nor does it mean we are less of a person than we used to be, even if we are able to do less than we used to do. I know that can be hard to believe at times, but that's a symptom of the disease too...