[SerenitysWave]

<font color="purple">I've been putting off posting about myself much. Mostly outta fear, fear that something I post may be a trigger for someone else... Undecisive as to which forum to post in... Everything is so jumbled it is hard to sort... I am screaming inside. A river of sadness flows deep within my soul. It hurts, I want to hurt. I want it to all go away, but afraid for it all to go away. The noises in my head are so loud. My poor kids... One person talking sounds like a rock concert inside my head! I can't process anything. A touch feels like chains binding me. I shutter when one of my kids hugs me or when anyone touches me...I hate that feeling. They dont understand. My husband tries, God bless him. So many labels, disorders, infractions of personality. Who am I in this all? where am I in this all? A freak of nature, a science experiment, that is how I feel. My head hurts. it has been a long time but urge to feel pain is getting harder and harder to resist. The cat scratched me today and man that felt good. Cant think of that anymore. I wantit all to go away. I want to run. but to where? cant hide from myself. Oh the voices pierce right thru me, the voices of my family even. Give me my space, dont crowd me, dont touch me, silence is needed. My reg doc, she tries, she is good. I know I need a therapist, I need counseling, I needmy meds again. It is all so damn expensive. What are we to do? What about my job, I alreday had to take 6 weeeks off because of a meltown, cant afford another one so close. I cantrisk it, I walked out twice before and yet hey gave me yet another chance. They are understanding to my mental health but comeon how long can I expect them to be understanding. Heck I am impatinet with myself with it ytoo. SOmetimes cant stand myself. Course than there is that number one fear of mine, being locked up. They all promise that isnt how it is anymroe but I am sorry I just dont belive that to be true inside me. I know but I dont know. The holidays??! I hate them, always did, even as a change. parents thougt I was strange.. What I wanted was simple in theory, just to be happy and be part of a happy stable family. But no that was not ever a present I would receive... Living in hell is what my destiny here on earth is I swear, that is what it feels like. I would never take my own life because of the fear of going to hell after life. I have forgiven those that hurt me, my parents, my cousin and those freidns of his, my grandfather, and the others. Forgiving doesnt take away the fear, the abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, the noises, the pain, the crying, the despair, the insanity, the anxiety, the cycling moods, etc. it just goes on and on............................ UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, maybe Today is just a bad day and it shall pass... Its hard to live within myself I cant imagine what it is like for my family to be around me, or live me being so unprediactable.... God bless them. I need to the sound of the ocean. It calms me, relaxes me, deafens the noises, puts me at serenity..... Oh my I just keep rambling and rambling, this is how I think, all mixed at a race drivers pace..... Sorry
Melinda
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there is nothing to apologize for. i understand that you feel very, very stressed about your situation right now. i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxox pat

[desirae]

I'm sorry your experiencing this frustration in your. Sounds like your having a hard time. It's okay to be upset, and it's okay to post whatever it is you need to say to feel better. That's what all this is here for, you.
Your doing the right thing by letting go and expressing these feelings. Writing is a healthy way of letting go. Much healthier then harming yourself.
You can come here and ramble all you want, I haven't been here that long but I do know everybody is very nice and supportive here. We all ramble too.
I hope you feel better, don't let the emotions eat you up, let go.
Desirae

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. Try to hang in there. We are all here for you when you need someone to listen and to give advice.

Please post as often as you need to, and if you're afraid of triggering anyone you can always put the trigger icon on your post or put *TRIGGER* in the heading of your post. I don't get triggered too easily and even if I am triggered, I put that aside just to help others out. That's what I do...ignore myself just to console, help, and sympathize with others.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

[DaveyJones]

Hi, Melinda--

It is really awful when your thoughts race, and it seems as if you have no control at all. You look at your failures and weaknesses and you know that others are through making allowances for you, and you wonder how you can possibly make it, it hurts too much, can't do it anymore.

There is help available, even if you can't afford medications at the moment. The first thing would be to go see your pdoc. She/he can begin working on your medication.

Next, go visit the nearst chapter of NAMI. There, they have people who really, truly understand what's going on and care about you. They can help you get your meds, plus, there will be someone to talk to.

If things get to extreme, please go straight to the ER...don't allow your condition to hurt you anymore. and remember, you have a lot of folks here who are on your side...use us!

Be Safe, and
Have a Blessed Holiday!

DJ

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fayerody said:
there is nothing to apologize for. i understand that you feel very, very stressed about your situation right now. i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxox pat

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Thank you Pat, I appreciate that. It does help knowing that there are people that care and comfprt in knowing that someone else truly understands.
Melinda

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
desirae said:
I'm sorry your experiencing this frustration in your. Sounds like your having a hard time. It's okay to be upset, and it's okay to post whatever it is you need to say to feel better. That's what all this is here for, you.
Your doing the right thing by letting go and expressing these feelings. Writing is a healthy way of letting go. Much healthier then harming yourself.
You can come here and ramble all you want, I haven't been here that long but I do know everybody is very nice and supportive here. We all ramble too.
I hope you feel better, don't let the emotions eat you up, let go.
Desirae

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Thank you Desirae! This site is really chock full of wonderful people! uh? Its like having a second family. I am feeling so much better today. I took a nice long bubble bath of lavender this morning to start my day. I feel relaxed, so I hoping that it will continue thru over this weekend. Again thank you for your support!
Melinda

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Lexicon78 said:
I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. Try to hang in there. We are all here for you when you need someone to listen and to give advice.

Please post as often as you need to, and if you're afraid of triggering anyone you can always put the trigger icon on your post or put *TRIGGER* in the heading of your post. I don't get triggered too easily and even if I am triggered, I put that aside just to help others out. That's what I do...ignore myself just to console, help, and sympathize with others.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Thank you Lexi... I started this morning being kind to myself and taking a nice warm bath. I feel good so far today ) We are people pleasers though , arent we?
I trigger easily so I try not to read too many trigger posts, but then I feel bad about not being supportive too. On days that I fee I can handle it with no trouble I read and respond with support. I am glad that there are those that dont trigger easily that can be more supportive to those that neeed it. I am overwhelmed at how much love and care there is here. More than I have witnessed on any other site. It has been helpful to me for sure.
I am glad I found this place.
Thank you Lexi.
Melinda

[SerenitysWave]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
DaveyJones said:
Hi, Melinda--

It is really awful when your thoughts race, and it seems as if you have no control at all. You look at your failures and weaknesses and you know that others are through making allowances for you, and you wonder how you can possibly make it, it hurts too much, can't do it anymore.

There is help available, even if you can't afford medications at the moment. The first thing would be to go see your pdoc. She/he can begin working on your medication.

Next, go visit the nearst chapter of NAMI. There, they have people who really, truly understand what's going on and care about you. They can help you get your meds, plus, there will be someone to talk to.

If things get to extreme, please go straight to the ER...don't allow your condition to hurt you anymore. and remember, you have a lot of folks here who are on your side...use us!

Be Safe, and
Have a Blessed Holiday!

DJ

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Thank you DJ! Great info! I am glad I decided to post. I will be sure to check into all you have mentioned. My pdoc has in the past been really good about supplying me with samples to get me thru. We have difficluty find the right meds for me, they dont seem to work for very long, but will keep trying. I will be sure to be open with my family and stay safe. DH is good at noticing the signs , quite often even before I am aware. Thank you so much for your repsonse.
Melinda