[WishingOnAStar]

Hi - I'm just wondering if I'm insensitive or what.....I have severe depression and many other health issues. My Mom has been in Assisted Living for a year now and suffers from moderate to servere Alzherimer's. We (my Dad and I) have to move her to a nursing home next month due to finances. She never wanted to go to a nursing home...NEVER. We have no choice.

My Dad is 80 and not in good health. He is very depressed and heartbroken that he has lost the person he loves...sometimes she knows him, sometimes she doesn't. She really is no longer with us, only physically. I'm afraid that all of this stress and his physical health will kill him before long.

Now me....I am so sad about my parents and the lot life has dealt them. They lost a daughter early in their lifetime...she was 9. I had hoped they would be able to enjoy their life together after my Dad retired, but everything fell apart about that time. As sad as I feel, at the same time, I just DON'T feel. I just can't explain it. Is it denial? I don't care about anything. I don't help my Dad as I should. He doesn't eat right and I'm not making meals as I should to make sure he does. I sleep most of the day if I am able to. My room is a mess, my paperwork is in a million different places...I just don't care--but at the same time I do. It's like I'm feeling like I'm not feeling. Does anyone else feel that way. I feel guilty to feel that way....yet feeling guilty is a feeling....so I am feeling -- I just don't know what's going on. Why am I terrified about my parent's circumstances and what is going to happen to me when they are gone...I will be all alone. Still, I can't let any of these emotions out. Does any of this make sense? I don't know...I just don't know what to do or how to feel.....

Blessings~

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by WishingOnAStar

I just don't care--but at the same time I do. It's like I'm feeling like I'm not feeling.

WishingOnAStar, whether or not it makes sense, I recognize it. I've sometimes said I experience depression as a kind of disease of the will. My ability to will, want, feel, do is deeply compromised.

You can only work with what you have, not with what you don't have.

Oops! EDIT: No, I don't think you are insensitive.

[gma45]

I know when I was going though similar circumstances I just kinda felt numb had so much to think about no time for my feelings or so I thought! I have always been like that though put every one in front of me then I just melt down. and everyone wonders Why? She seemed so strong! ya right! sounds like depression to me. Take time for you and not by just sleeping! Bless you!

[marenita]

Feeling numb is definitely NORMAL for someone who's depressed. I've talked to many people about their depression and it is a common complaint. I've felt that way myself for long periods of time, and lived with depression for seven years before it finally went away with therapy and antidepressants. I'm sorry about your parents. I'd definitely find someone to talk to who will listen and understand. Good luck.

[WishingOnAStar]

Thanks, Rohag....I guess I just wish I had more of what I need at this time to more helpful to the people I love. Thanks for commenting. Take care!

Blessings ~

[WishingOnAStar]

Hi Gma45 - You are correct, I am diagnosed with depression and am seeing both a counselor and psychiatrist. Somehow they don't really seem to comprehend this feeling that I try to explain....maybe I really can't explain it correctly. I don't feel like I'm putting others' first...just the opposite...by doing nothing, I feel like I'm putting myself first. Shutting down keeps me from doing things...I am not doing much of anything to help the people that could use it. The "I don't care" feeling interferes way too much. I don't really want to do anything...unless there is a definite need for it. To most it would look like I am 100% lazy, but I really don't think that is what it is, but then sometimes I wonder. I just don't know what I feel anymore...but I really do thank you for commenting. Take care of yourself.

Blessing ~

[WishingOnAStar]

Hi Marenita - Thanks for your reply and good wishes. I agree that "this feeling" is not uncommon, but I wish I could understand it better. I've been in therapy with counselors and psychiatrists for 36 year (plus every type of medication they could and can try) and although I have had some help, it rarely stays for any period of time. I want to feel good so that I can reach others who are in this same situation. I want to give back so that others can receive hope and encouragement from someone who has genuinely "been there" and back. I feel so confused right now between the depression and the sadness with my parents. I know that God has a plan for all of us, but I guess I just don't understand the plan. I am very much alone in this journey and I am scared...certainly not the strong lady I used to me. I guess I must just continue taking it one minute at a time. Thanks again for the kind words. Take good care of yourself.

Blessings ~