[briten821]

I don't know what to make of my life and hope someone can help me figure out what to do. Please read my post carefully before commenting because there are a lot of important variables.

I never had much problem until several years ago when a major change in my life in 2006 (sold everything and moved to Europe to become a missionary) caused a dramatic change in my mental state. As a teenager I experienced classic obsessive compulsive symptoms, but not very bad most of the time. But after 2006 (age 28) I started being crippled with mental obsessions, guilt, depression and anxiety. It got so bad I had to return to the US and have continued downhill since.

I am married (for 15 years, I'm 33 years old now) and there are no problems there except that I know my situation puts a tremendous amount of pressure on my wife and that is hard for me to deal with that fact. I was beginning to drink heavily (about 6 drinks a day, but never to real intoxication because it was over several hours and I am not a small guy) but recently got control over that. I don't use drugs aside from a couple of antidepressants, and don't smoke. I have a great deal of difficulty motivating myself to exercise.

Here's what the real problem is. I can't do ANYTHING. It's hard to describe how difficult it is to even do simple things. I would rather fall over dead than walk across the room and get a glass of water at times. For years I ran a small residential service business, but that is nearly impossible now. I work mostly on ebay, but my wife has had to take most of that over, in addition to her part time job. If I sit at the computer to work I mostly find myself just hitting the refresh button on my email account or a couple of news sites over and over and over and over... I was once very active in my church but now have difficulty doing any sort of spiritual activity. I am mostly just a lump taking up space nowadays.

I also have severe anxiety. It used to be all the time, but I think the antidepressants have helped a bit. Still I panic in some situations, especially when I am in a car of building or somewhere where I feel obligated to be and therefore trapped. I am terrified of going on a car trip with anyone other than my wife. I avoid all but brief conversations with friends, and rarely go to their houses anymore even though I used to be very social. I don't mind them coming to our house, but that's because I know I can get away if I need to by going upstairs- though I rarely have to, just the knowledge that I could is a huge help.

I obsess constantly. Before the antidepressants I had even more symptoms of mental obsessive compulsive disorder. Guilt over past events, some real, others imagined (did I do something horrible and have forgotten?), constant need to confess and re confess over and over. I also have some of the less common symptoms of the disorder such as metal scenes of distressing shapes and sounds which have plagued me since early childhood.

I am also very obsessive in other key ways. For example, I can't do anything at all unless it is a total obsession. I work on the Internet hours a day for a week and do little else. Then I can't bring myself do it at all for a month or more. Same with my hobby of woodworking. It consumes every waking hour for a few days, than I can't get interested in any aspect of it for weeks. If I drink alcohol it quickly becomes a daily obsession, so I have to be very careful. Thankfully I don't smoke, gamble, do drugs or anything like that because it would probably become an obsession too.

As I lay in bed at night my thoughts are always the same thing over and over. I think of suicide constantly, obsess over how to do it and what it would be like. But I care too much about my wife to actually do it, it's just another of my mental obsessions like other less dark subjects that invade my thoughts regularly. (I do NOT believe I am a danger to myself or others. I just obsess.)

I've seen a couple of doctors, but without insurance they are only moderately interested. I'm sure they get people complaining of a little depression all the time. I've tried Citalopram, Effexor, and Welbutren (I have no idea how to spell them), with some results, but not nearly enough. The doctors are beginning to give me the impression that it's just me and I need to snap out of it. But try as I might I can't reason myself out of this.

So my question... is this just me? Am I just too lazy to work hard enough to get out of this situation? Or is there something truly wrong with my brain?

I know, you're not doctors, you can't tell me what my problem is. But what has been your experience? Is depression/obsessiveness/anxiety something that can be overcome by will power? The doctor says I am looking for a magic pill, but that's the point I've reached after several years of steady mental collapse.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Briten821!

Is depression/obsessiveness/anxiety something that can be overcome by will power?

Rohag's Perspective: No. Rarely if ever. Whether professional or informal (or both), you most probably will require practical assistance to get to a better, more functional place.

Non-Emergency Help When Money is Tight

United Way / AIRS Home – 211.org [AIRS = Alliance for Information and Referral Systems]
211.org Call Center Search
US Department of Housing and Urban Development, General Resources
State Departments of Human Services (different states use slightly different terms):

Department of Social Services (DSS)
Department of Human Services (DHS)
Department of Health and Social Services (DHSS)
Department of Social and Health Services (DSHS)
Health & Human Services Commission (HHSC)

Examples:
Colorado Department of Human Services (CDHS)
Montana Department of Public Heath & Human Services
Washington State Department of Social & Health Services (DSHS)

Search: “your location” social services
Finding Low-Cost Psychotherapy, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
US Social Security and Disability Resource Center
PsychCentral’s Insurance & Finances Forum
New York Times article: How to Find Mental Health Care When Money is Tight, by Lesley Alderman
PsychCentral Drug Discount Card
NeedyMeds
RxAssist
Free and Low-Price Prescriptions – PsychCentral Topic
Mental Health America and Mental Health America Affiliates Search
Disability.gov (USA; “Connecting the Disability Community to Information & Opportunities”)
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
Find your local NAMI
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) Home Page
DBSA Support Groups and Chapters
DBSA Support Groups and Chapters Directory (Terms of Use)

A support group can be an inexpensive or free (partial) alternative to regular therapy.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Self Help Resources (Get Self Help UK)
Free Downloadable Therapy Worksheets & CBT Tools (Get Self Help UK)
Online Self-Help Book for Mental Health & Illness (MentalHelp.net)
Doc John’s Where to Get Help for Depression – includes some self-help ideas
Dealing with Depression: Self-Help & Coping Tips (HelpGuide.org)
Live Life to the Full – free self-help modules

[marenita]

You sound a lot like me. I tried willpower for three years until I attempted suicide and realized it wasn't working--so no, I don't believe you can cure yourself that way. Like you, I was on Effexor XR. The doctor had to keep upping the dose until I could function relatively normally again, but it still took five years for me to completely level back to normal. It sounds like you might not have found the right drug/therapy yet. It sounds like you have a lot of things working against you at once--depression, anxiety, ocd--so you might need a variety of treatments to get better.

Good luck. There is hope even in the darkness.

[briten821]

Originally Posted by marenita

You sound a lot like me. I tried willpower for three years ... I was on Effexor XR. The doctor had to keep upping the dose until I could function relatively normally again...

The problem is my doctor seems unwilling to try very hard. He told me he enjoys treating depression and then gave me a 30 minute lecture about how my religion isn't doing anything for me because I can't overcome this. (he's a very religious person and I get the feeling he doesn't like my religion)

Then he gave me the lecture about "you wouldn't let some guy tell you what to do with your life, so why let your depression tell you what to do and not do".

All that sounds great. But it's not that simple. I never realized what people like this went through until it struck my life. Now I struggle to make others understand, but it's mostly hopeless...

How much Effexor XR did you have to take before the dosage was high enough?

How did you eventually get better?

[DelusionsDaily]

Sounds to me you may need to find a doc that is more willing to help. That is not to say medication is a "cure all". However from personal experience with the depression, anxiety, and obsessive thinking, that medication can be the boost to do the things we can to achieve and maintain some sense of wellness. I just switched doctors myself because old doc wasnt able help me properly and other reasons that have nothing to do with my old doc. I am still in the process of getting better myself. I do know that for me finding the right doc and a therapist I could trust to teach me tools to manage these problems was essential. I feel more confident in my recovery than I ever have...though I am still not back to myself and have a ways to go to get there.

[anotherlightseeker]

Wow Rohag,what a genuine effort to help.And this is what I personally needed.(Whines and begs for more )I just want to acknowledge your assistance,and lend thanks for such an outreach!

[Placeholder]

You and I have had very similar trajectories except for one major difference in that you have a partner. I think that can be good and bad. You can point to your ability to sustain a relationship as a sign that not all is lost. She sounds great and your respect for her is evident and inspiring.

But guilt over relying on her and anxiety over not being able to get by without her might not be helping you.

I almost killed myself when I was your age when I found myself in a very similar predicament. Here's the thing: even if you found a magic pill you'd still have a lot of work to do and it's easy to freak oneself out about that when you are wired like we are.

Here are the things I did/do to literally get a life. Granted there are days where I still feel like not doing anything but I had to or I would have ended up trying to survive within the system which seems even more overwhelming (part of my issues are hating paperwork and follow through)

1. Get a job. Or a facsimile thereof. It gives you structure and boundaries. For six months I told myself all I had to do was show up for work showered and in clean clothes. It's bewildering at first but being around people who are getting on with the getting on helps.

2. Drink a lot of water. Your brain needs it. Of course your main issue isn't dehydration but it doesn't help.

3. Go for walks. Exercising doesn't have to be a project. If you need a purpose walk to a destination and walk back.

4. Vitamins. Especially magnesium. Could be psychosomatic but I swear I feel a difference when I take magnesium or eat black beans (excellent food source)

5. Write down your thoughts. Tear the paper up later if you need to.

6. Meditate. Meditation trains you to let thoughts come and go without judgment which leads to obsession for people wired like you and I.

I know you don't drink now but maybe AA for structure and support and inspiration for finding your purpose in life?

Finally, have you researched whether there are counter indications to mixing the drugs you are on? Doctors don't always know.

Good luck. You can pull through. You express yourself well. You are definitely not crazy.

Just be kind to yourself for every tiny thing you do to get better. It feels lame at first to feel proud to accomplish what other people don't even think about but it gets more comfortable as you practice.

It sounds to me more like you are battling with your purpose in life and again that would still be an issue if you found the magic pill.

Not that I've found mine, mind you, but at least my self-torturing is much better ten years later. I often joke but mean it: I'd rather be 43 than 33. Age really has helped me get a handle on things. I realize I do not have as much time and I get so frustrated that it provides enough motivation to do something until better reasons come along.

S.

Originally Posted by briten821

I don't know what to make of my life and hope someone can help me figure out what to do. Please read my post carefully before commenting because there are a lot of important variables.

I never had much problem until several years ago when a major change in my life in 2006 (sold everything and moved to Europe to become a missionary) caused a dramatic change in my mental state. As a teenager I experienced classic obsessive compulsive symptoms, but not very bad most of the time. But after 2006 (age 28) I started being crippled with mental obsessions, guilt, depression and anxiety. It got so bad I had to return to the US and have continued downhill since.

I am married (for 15 years, I'm 33 years old now) and there are no problems there except that I know my situation puts a tremendous amount of pressure on my wife and that is hard for me to deal with that fact. I was beginning to drink heavily (about 6 drinks a day, but never to real intoxication because it was over several hours and I am not a small guy) but recently got control over that. I don't use drugs aside from a couple of antidepressants, and don't smoke. I have a great deal of difficulty motivating myself to exercise.

Here's what the real problem is. I can't do ANYTHING. It's hard to describe how difficult it is to even do simple things. I would rather fall over dead than walk across the room and get a glass of water at times. For years I ran a small residential service business, but that is nearly impossible now. I work mostly on ebay, but my wife has had to take most of that over, in addition to her part time job. If I sit at the computer to work I mostly find myself just hitting the refresh button on my email account or a couple of news sites over and over and over and over... I was once very active in my church but now have difficulty doing any sort of spiritual activity. I am mostly just a lump taking up space nowadays.

I also have severe anxiety. It used to be all the time, but I think the antidepressants have helped a bit. Still I panic in some situations, especially when I am in a car of building or somewhere where I feel obligated to be and therefore trapped. I am terrified of going on a car trip with anyone other than my wife. I avoid all but brief conversations with friends, and rarely go to their houses anymore even though I used to be very social. I don't mind them coming to our house, but that's because I know I can get away if I need to by going upstairs- though I rarely have to, just the knowledge that I could is a huge help.

I obsess constantly. Before the antidepressants I had even more symptoms of mental obsessive compulsive disorder. Guilt over past events, some real, others imagined (did I do something horrible and have forgotten?), constant need to confess and re confess over and over. I also have some of the less common symptoms of the disorder such as metal scenes of distressing shapes and sounds which have plagued me since early childhood.

I am also very obsessive in other key ways. For example, I can't do anything at all unless it is a total obsession. I work on the Internet hours a day for a week and do little else. Then I can't bring myself do it at all for a month or more. Same with my hobby of woodworking. It consumes every waking hour for a few days, than I can't get interested in any aspect of it for weeks. If I drink alcohol it quickly becomes a daily obsession, so I have to be very careful. Thankfully I don't smoke, gamble, do drugs or anything like that because it would probably become an obsession too.

As I lay in bed at night my thoughts are always the same thing over and over. I think of suicide constantly, obsess over how to do it and what it would be like. But I care too much about my wife to actually do it, it's just another of my mental obsessions like other less dark subjects that invade my thoughts regularly. (I do NOT believe I am a danger to myself or others. I just obsess.)

I've seen a couple of doctors, but without insurance they are only moderately interested. I'm sure they get people complaining of a little depression all the time. I've tried Citalopram, Effexor, and Welbutren (I have no idea how to spell them), with some results, but not nearly enough. The doctors are beginning to give me the impression that it's just me and I need to snap out of it. But try as I might I can't reason myself out of this.

So my question... is this just me? Am I just too lazy to work hard enough to get out of this situation? Or is there something truly wrong with my brain?

I know, you're not doctors, you can't tell me what my problem is. But what has been your experience? Is depression/obsessiveness/anxiety something that can be overcome by will power? The doctor says I am looking for a magic pill, but that's the point I've reached after several years of steady mental collapse.