[garden gal]

Hello all...
I haven't posted for a couple of months, but I've found myself gravitating back toward PC again these last few days.
I am approaching what has often been a really difficult time of year for me.... last year and the year before, I had to do a partial hospitalization in late August/early September. My birthday is in September, which I think is part of it (the whole "why haven't I accomplished more in my life" thing). I think there's also been a seasonal component, with the days starting to get shorter. This year, I'm also approaching the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death (he died last October). I haven't crashed yet, but I feel like I'm in some ways waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yet, there's a line in a song by a favorite folk singer of mine, "...sometimes there's only one shoe."
Maybe I won't crash this fall.

I was feeling my mood starting to slide a couple of weeks ago, and I called my psychiatrist right away, and she increased my Lexapro. That seems to have helped. I also have some good things happening. I'm leaving a job that has sucked the life out of me for the last 5 years, and am going to focus on finishing my graduate degree this semester. I've actually started working on my thesis again, which I haven't had the energy to do for the last 10 months or so. I think knowing that I'm finishing up soon at my job has given me a little more energy to use in other ways. I signed up for a few classes as well. I'm hopeful that this energy will stay with me, but depression lurks in the background. Having a recurrent mental illness can make it hard to plan ahead sometimes!
I'm trying to be proactive about responding to symptoms without getting anxious about it to the point where I'm actually triggering the symptoms with my worrying... if that makes sense to anybody(?) Can anyone relate to trying to find a balance between being vigilant and driving yourself nuts? I'd love to hear what has been helpful for people.

anyway, thanks for listening!
Garden Gal

[Rohag]

Hello, Garden Gal!

Originally Posted by garden gal

Maybe I won't crash this fall.

Maybe you won't -- I hope not. If you don't crash this fall, it may be due at least in part to your recognition you could crash and your taking precautions (calling your psychiatrist and getting an increased dose of Lexapro). Good job!

Oh, and congratulations on leaving the life-sucking job! May it eventually be replaced with something much more fulfilling.

Hello, garden gal. You are to be commended for your hard work.

The approach of the darkness of winter is a concern for me too. You are in my thoughts. I wish you well.

[marenita]

Sounds like you're doing the right things. I used to be terrified of April because that's when I would crash. I've been off antidepressants for three years, but it seems more and more I slip back into depressive episodes. The first time it happened I nearly had a panic attack because I was afraid I'd become suicidal again. But it passed.

Anniversaries are so hard. Stay strong. Keep doing the things you know will help. Congrats on grad school.

[shezbut]

Garden Gal

It's awesome that you've decided to leave that stressful job behind you and go back to school for your Master's degree! :thumbsup:

I am sorry that you're starting to feel down again. Perhaps part of it is physical (with days shortening) and psychological (being reminded of where you were 1 year ago). It's good that you called your doc as you started feeling lower. Hopefully, the necessary changes have been made to make this time less stressful.

Best wishes sent your way!

[Elana05]

Hi Garden Gal,

Good to hear from you.

[garden gal]

Thanks for your kind words, everyone. I've been having some days that are OK, and some that are pretty rocky. Today was one of the rockier ones. I haven't gotten much accomplished today. But, I told myself this morning that as long as I took care of myself today and didn't make any drastically bad choices, that this mood would likely pass. So I went out for coffee this morning, and then went to a thrift store and to a used bookstore... all things that I enjoy. I still haven't gotten much done, but the worst of the mood does seem to have passed. I'm a bit intimidated by the mountain of dishes that are getting moldy in the kitchen. It is hard to even know where to start with that. I'm hoping that I find the energy and motivation to start somewhere...

peace,
Garden Gal

[Shadow-world]

Oh, it's really good, Garden gal, that you managed to take yourself out and did the things that you really enjoy doing. I think it's a particularly great achievement to have recognised that it is a passing mood and that you just didn't act on any of the impulses you had.
I tend to find this really hard when I get my dark, obsessive, angry thoughts.
I'll try to follow your example.
I hope the weekend will be good for you.

[Elana05]

I like all those things too. Good for you for taking care of yourself...

[gma45]

Sounds like you are on the right track, taking care of number one! YOU! good job! gives me hope!