the paradox of surrender...

Sometimes you just can't do it by yourself, and I am finding myself in one of those times. After several weeks of fighting against it, I called my psychiatrist today, and got a referral to a partial hospital program. I'll be starting that next week. Mostly, I feel a sense of relief that I'll be getting some help. I also feel some embarrassment, as I've done this program before, and I'm fearing that they will be thinking "YOU again???"

I also called my pastor today and let her know what was going on. We got together and had a very good conversation. Again, I had to swallow some pride and embarrassment and ask for help.

I called this post the "paradox of surrender" because of my experience that sometimes, when I stop fighting and release my tightly clenched grip on the notion that "I'm FINE and I can pull myself out of my depression by myself," I can let others help me, and things get a little better.

I've been sliding downhill the past several weeks.... struggling with energy/motivation, feeling like my thoughts are slowed way down, like I am moving slowly, having trouble caring about things, really low mood, trouble sleeping, crying a lot, etc, etc, ... The past few days, it has taken me a huge amount of time and energy to do simple things like take a shower and get dressed. It just started to become clear that my meds aren't working, and weekly therapy isn't enough right now.

Thanks for reading this long post! I wonder if others of you have thoughts/experiences related to surrender (in the positive sense of the word) or about coping with the embarrassment and wounded pride that can come with asking for help...

peace,
garden gal

Hi Garden Gal ~ Perhaps your antidepressant (if you're on one) has stopped working, and you need to ask the doc to change you to a different one. We DO become accustomed to our meds -- and they quit working. That's when we have to switch to a different one.

I guess I've never had trouble surrendering -- I don't feel any embarrassment at needing help. I figure that things could be worse -- and I also think that everyone on earth could benefit from a few sessions with a therapist! I don't mind asking for help -- it's like when you have the flu -- you see the doctor and hopefully get some medication. Well, it's the same with depression -- I have a "glitch" in my system, and it needs work. LOL So my doc has to reboot me! LOL

I wish you the very best. Let us know how things turn out. Hugs, Lee

@Leed, what you are saying is very healthy...I am working toward that myself. and I agree that everyone on earth could use a few sessions with a therapist!!!

@garden gal-I know how you feel. recently I was so down and struggling that I asked my pastor for prayer and explained why, it was embarrassing at first but I felt better afterward. I also decided that since my kids were older I could let them know what I was going through, because I always tried my best to hide it from them before. it helps me see that its not a failing on my part and I can fight it. also I think reaching out to others helps us heal. Good Luck, I hope every thing goes well!!

(((Garden Gal)))
Good for you for reaching out... You are not alone.
Try not to be hard on yourself. It is quite the opposite. You did the right thing in realizing you couldn't do it alone - that you need the help of a doctor (doctors) to tweak meds etc. It is not easy to ask for help. I struggle with it too.
Thinking of you today.

I'm so glad you were able to go and ask for help. Hope you feel better soon!

Thanks for your kind responses. I am really struggling right now.... it has been a rough weekend. I'm having a hard time hanging on to the hope that things will get better. And, it turns out that I can't get into this partial hospital program until Wednesday or Thursday(!) I'm sorry, but I'm not very patient when I'm feeling this crappy.

I've been trying to do a few things every day, and not just stay in bed. Today, I went to church, went for a long walk with my neighbor, and went to the (very busy and chaotic) grocery store. It may have been too much, as I am just feeling wiped out.
My house is a disaster, and my life feels like it is in chaos. Send some good energy my way, will you?

thanks,
garden gal

Thinking of you today, Garden Gal
Hope you will keep posting, let us know how you're doing.

Thinking of you Garden Gal