Heading for a Break-Down

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Rhapsody said:
I NEED a ((((((( HUG )))))))

Good Night - I think I will go to bed for a while... I am feeling as though I am about to crack / break down and there is no one at home with me, nor any one at home that I can call - they are all at work.

I feel so lost & empty right now - no reason left in me, hopeing that the sleep will make it a little better when I wake.... son & hubby will be home by then.

Please say a PRAYER for ME.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -



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prayer said

Be strong and hang in there,, remember we are all here for you and praying for you,, you WILL get through this.. have faith

Hi, Rhapsody!

More prayer support going up for you!!!

{{{{{(Rhapsody}}}}}

Aza

Hi Rhapsody,

I've been where you are and I know how rotten it feels. I hope things improve for you soon. Since I have been on so many people's prayer lists, I figure I need to start adding to mine -- I will definitely put you on it!

Candy

Thanks to everyone that said a PRAYER for ME - I think it may have helped.... for today after I had an argument with my husband, which left me feeling very unloved, and after he went out side to shoot his paintball gun to relieve his stress and to get away from me.... I went into the bathroom to see what he did with the note I wrote to him asking for FORGIVENESS and found it in the garbage can (things seemed hopeless at that moment).... I looked at myself in the mirror and said: Alright! Alright! and then started to CRY... I then went into the bedroom and poured a bottle of Tylenol PM into my hands, I did not swallow then for I did not think there was enough to the do the job - I needed to buy a full bottle.

THANK GOD for PRAYERS and for TIME, as to heal and to calm.... I am so glad that I did not swallow those pills, and yet afraid that I went as far as to pour them into my own hand when my emotions were stirred.

No one is aware of the dread and close call I had today..... no one, not even my husband.

Hug Needed,
LoVe
Rhapsody -

(((((Rhapsody)))))



Your husband's a heel. Sorry you are in such a dark place. Sending tons of good vibes to ya'!!

TGC

Thanks Dottie... and as much as I would like to totally agree with you (to be right - lol) that he was a heel - I can honestly only say that to a certain point.... for I must also come to terms with the fact that he to was hurting... long story!

Keep me in your thoughts & prayers.... I need them right now.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Ok - just needed to update you all and to get an unbiased opinion of what I should be thinking....

My husband has not talked to me much since we had our fight 4 hours ago, then he went to take a nap and just woke up and now he got dressed and said he was going out for a few, asked if I wanted any thing and then gave me a kiss or two before he left.... any ideals, is this his male way of saying I AM SORRY - I FORGIVE YOU? - or is it some thing else all together?

>>>> i HATE it when WE fight...

Thanks,
Rhapsody -

WOW!! - talk about mood swings.... now I am feeling as though I could care less.... as though I have no problems or worries, I feel sane / normal and all is good, but once again.

I feel empowered, fully capable of taking on the world and all that haunts ME...

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Good Morning -

I am still on the feeling better end of the scale... going to the grocery store in a few hours for some odds and end and the anxiety level is low - w00t!

UPDATE:
Concerning the post from above - hubby came home after having being gone 2 to 3 hours after we and our argument and he apologized to me. He said: I am SORRY that I hurt your feelings and I LOVE YOU... then he held me tightly in his arms as we feel asleep. That was good, wasn't it?

* * * * * * *

Today I am going to call my PCP and ask her call me in a Rx for some kind if SRI, any thing to help me control these intense negative feelings/thinking and mood swings... I do not believe that I can wait the 2 weeks before I see my new therapist, need something NOW!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hey - just read this. That IS good (the update). I agree with your idea to call your PCP. Sounds like a good move. It's hard to make progress if you're stuck in negative feelings.

HURRAY!!!!
I got the Rx called in for 'Celexa" - so here is hoping for a new beginning.... I will pick the medicine up tomorrow morning after I finish walking the lake.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

GOOD MORNING -

w00t w00t - it has only been two day since I stated taking the MEDICINE and I can already feel a difference in me - in my mind, the claming effect is awesome... I have not felt this way in a very looooooooooooooooong time.
I pray this medicine continues to work and to give me relief... no allergies please.

Maybe in a month or two I can venture out of this old house and seek a part time job like I have been desiring to do.

Keep those FINGERS crossed.............................

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hey Rhaps.
I think you are so awesome. You are always saying encouraging things to help others, even though you seem to be in such a hell of a place in life at the moment. Thanks for always helping me out. Hope you feel better soon. (((((hugs))))))
Estee

Good Morning Estee,

Thank you very much for the much needed praise and affirmation of my character..... your gentle words gave me hope that the old self (the person I am inside) is finally returning, after a long cold dark absent.

While I hurt from within - I also find comfort in the healing of another.... for it is when we are the weakest that a GIFT can be found for ones self and for a friend.
I lift so that another may have the strength to help when I too stumble and fall.... true love / friendship.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

HELP!! HELP!! HELP!! HELP!!

I cannot shake the BLACK CLOUD that is hanging over me..... wish the sun would shine, again.

Going to take an extra pill to see if the great void will go away.... taking Celexa.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

WOW!!!! -
I took the extra pill just a little over a 1/2 an hour ago and all ready I am feeling so much better.... do you all think that maybe my body got use to the lower dose (20 mg) after the first week on it and now maybe I need a little more (40 mg)?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Talk to me! I´ll listen to you- I know the place you´re in.

Thanks Ninni....

The BLACK CLOUD seems to be moving East a little now, since I took the extra medicine and since my youngest has come home from school - I am no longer alone.

Guess it all started with my husband this morning and even though it was not as bad as my mind is making it - the situations still opened the wound to my deepest fear.................... BEING ALONE! BEING REPLACED! NOT BEING IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MATTER!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Sad Today -

I had to cancel the appointment I was supposed to have with my new Psychiatrist this Friday, due to lack of funds.... Phooie Spit Spit.
I did so need this - guess I will have to try my best to hang on for another month.... PRAY for ME!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Feeling so much better today and yet trying to figure out why I am so obsessed with my marriage (the love relationship) and its problems to the point that I cannot be happy or satisfied until it is resolved and working like an well oiled machine.... or at least oiled enough that I can feel LOVE from both sides.

Guess I just feel so un-cherished right now (due to the past 10 yrs) that it makes it hard for me to put my thinking (that he loves me) and my feelings together to the point that I can actually feel LOVED & WANTED....

Any ideals.................... I can't seem to leave the past in the past.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Is there a chance if you tell him, he can catch you before you fall?

I am not for sure.... for I am the one that everyone expects to be STRONG - even him.... some times even a good reputation can come back to haunt.

Eeeeeeeeek!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Why does everyone think that?

While typing this to someone here on the forum - THE LIGHT BULB came ON.... now what?

You know the strange part of it all is that.... while I know my own husband has greatly hurt me and let me down (time after time) - I also know that my real despair, that which leaves me wanting to die at times, comes from somewhere / something deeper inside me.... my husband just resonates these feelings in me for I love him so and he has hurt me like the many others.

BUT - all in all he is not the real reason I wish to DIE - but I do not know what is.

LoVe.
Rhapsody -

(Concerning that DEATH feeling)

Not for sure about this.... but after working through my feelings with EMDR and RF - I now get the overwhelming feeling (from within me) that my empty death feeling has something to do with my Grandfather.... he took care of me (raised me) when I was a baby, with my Grandmother, and then he died when I was just about 4 years old and I cannot remember a thing about him except for the funeral and me touching him and then seeing my mom and everyone else crying and not understanding a single thing.... I felt sad.

Hmm - something to think about and maybe something to work through...

LoVe,
Rhapsody -