[Duchess]

I suffer from post traumatic stress dissorde
I recently came off of my medications that I'v been on for the past 2- 1/2 years.I quit smoking pot and am trying to get my life back in order. a good friend of mine passed away in May of 01 infront of me and his wife. we buried him on my birthday and It has been a great deal of pain. that I have been dealing with ontop of all of my hidden secrets I hold inside. this is my first time here. and tonight i was feeling very sorry for myself and felt that nasty pain from deep inside. so unexplainable and so uncontrolable. I no longer want to be on medication and have changed them 12 Diffrent times.I also suffer from major panic dissorder and have also stopped medication on that. so the mother of my friend,who passed away. ever since he died she has made my life a living hell, he always hated her I'm not sure why.we'll now I know. but, I live in the same house where he passed away with his wife and 7 year old son.his mother the day of his funneral the day of my birthday not that i wanted to celebate she barged into my apartment scolding me, that i was to have no company over, accused us of killing him.now me and J were the only one's there that night we both new how he died. which was an induced heart attack overdosing on crack cocain.I gave him CPR. I let her say what she wanted only b/c it was his mother and I knew she was grieving.so I accepted the accusations and never said anything. things calmed down, I Even went to this lady's house. Now come 2-1/2 yrs later she has begun too harrass me even worse.Deffermation of charchter, slandered, aggrivated harrasment not only me but his wife to. me and J are great friends now she is the shoulder that I cry on when things aren't right and Viseversa she has helped me so much and it kills me inside. B/c now this ***** has even gone as far as to going up to my old job telling all of my friends and co-workers that I'm a crackhead which I'm not!! That I'm A dike which i'm not and that I killed her son which i didn't. that me and my landlord do three sums with anyone that comes to our house.
she wants to take me to court for a wrongful death suit.
I have changed my phone 3 diffrent times had to disconnect my cell phone, even call the cops. They are useless and so is the District Attorney's office. nobody unnderstands that this is taking it's toll on me.
Just when it Get's better it gets 10 times worse.I don't know what I'm capable of. now I have too leave the only true friend I'v ever had. I have found so much happiness with her and like everthing God takes it away {CRYING}I want everything too stop. I think I hear him at times and I think back too the last few days of his life.he asked me too take care of her. But, I can no longer stay. my health is ditierating {sorry can't spell}
I love J so much she's like the sister I never knew! I know she'll be there.I have been out of work for the past 4 months. I try and motivate myself, I'v taken away everything that makes me tired the pot, the sleeping pills I don't even drink anymore,all I want to do is sleep, sleep and never wake up.but now that I'v stopped the pot which is something I'v been doing since I was 14. True life seems so impossible. all of my childhood memories that I have learned too block, have become more violent.@ the age of 9 I was sexually ,physiclly and mentally abused by my X step father who rapped a young girl a year ago and is no longer coming back too the states. I feel I could've stopped him WHAT IF, WHAT IF," THE STORY OF MY LIFE"!!! I recently was able to tell my mother who I hated so much, and I blammed. But it wasn't her fault I know she wanted the best for us.I can't Imagine my world without her.she knows of my condition and wants me back home. How do I get rid of all this pain, at times i feel crazy i can't even open my eyes. can you imagine what it would feel like to have to wake up everynight thinking he's there.starring at the pitch dark,scared to get up.doctors don't help, pills don't help.I'm Helpless and so very Angry!!!
I am at a very volnurable state.... DiStUrBeD aNd InSaNe!!!!

[Peanut61]

Hi Duchess: First let me welcome you to the site; this is a place where you can write out how you are feeling which itself can be helpful sometimes.

I understand a bit about the circumstances you describe re: the death of your friend and the interaction with his mother... been there - done that. Very painful stuff and can take a lot to work thru. it.

Not sure about your stopping all meds etc.; mine have been a life-saver for me after a somewhat similar circumstance.

Hope you will find it useful to continue to post; will look for you again, and please don't give up on yourself! Best regards, Peanut


<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[Duchess]

I thank you for being so kind.
The picture of your dog really made me feel so good. so did your post.
sorry about my personal stuff being displayed the way I did But truely I was having a very bad night, like many others. I'm also sorry if I made it sound like I no Longer wanted to live because I do. I just Feel as if I climbed the mountain reached the top And have fallen right back down.. it's just so very hard to have to start all over again.when you have everything and it gets taken away from you. but that's part of life.
Thank you...
your friend Duchess

[SeptemberMorn]

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I hope you found some relief in posting what is bothering you so much. All of us here understand how you feel. You're NOT crazy. It's just some silly chemicals that have become imbalanced in your brain. Are you sure you want to stop the meds?? Why would you like to do something like that to yourself? Would you please reconsider your decision?

Remember, you're not alone nor the only one that has these feelings. Keep posting. Getting it out helps a bunch... especially when people respond to you with similar circumstances and symptoms.

Please take care of YOU.

[Duchess]

SeptemberMorn,
My whole life I'v always put everyone else before me. losing myself and having such low self esteem seeing others happy made me happy. Alot has happened and I think I reached The END of the rope!!
In a good way, I realized what I had too do for mytself to make Jessica feel better about herself. What was right and what was wrong. Hay sept what would you do if you were on meds for 2 yrs and found yourself in the same situation everytime?? well I failed to tell you even though I took myself off my Meds. My mother has recommended this spanish Doc. she Raves about Dr. Rico Perez He has Natural herbal meds. No side effects, I hope work.he has a web site check it out. Gotta believe in Momma's word. she's never wrong, Ok Not never.But mostly never. Thanks for Being you!!!

[heatherm]

Hello Duchess and welcome .

I wanted to say hello and welcome to the site. I can tell you are going to be a great addition here too. This is a wonderful group of people who are always willing to lend an ear and a shoulder.

Keep posting and take care.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost