[maynardssillygirl]

I am self-isolating, and I do not relate well to others in my community. Other people my age have families and children and are busy and occupied. People that I went to school with that have way less potential then me have their own businesses and families. I am starting to feel like I went from being one of the special/creative people to being some loser. I am crippled by my depression and I fight back anyway I can, with men, with drugs, with sleep, etc. I rarely clean my apartment or car. I am unmotivated and I don't enjoy my job. I only do what I have to do and go through life experiencing very little pleasure. I am tired of repeatedly dealing with these never ending problems and burdening those around me with them so I rarely bring it up anymore because it is like beating a dead horse. I am on pristiqu, valium, and I see a counselor and sometimes do to group therapy and I also am in college with a decent GPA. But I live in a horrible small town with idiots and the college is just a community college and I date a guy I am barely attracted to just to avoid the pain of really really being alone. Music used to be a HUGE help, but good music is hard to come by.

[TerryL]

What is the source of your depression? (or was it already stated in your post?)

[gashly]

Hi Maynard. I started to say how I empathized with you in many ways, but got worried that the post would bring you down more than help. I just wanted to say it's tough being in your place.

I guess what is it in life that you feel you should have instead?

[maynardssillygirl]

My depression really started when my dad got sick with cancer. He was the light of my life, he was my hero. He was so intelligent and strong and could do anything. He was a sensitive man with a sense of obligation to those around him. He passed away when I was 18 and I rushed into a marriage so he could see me walk down the aisle before he passed away. Two months after he gave me away he passed away. It felt like everyone was telling me how I needed to step up to the plate and be strong for my mom, so I did not grieve properly. About 7 months after his death I went a little psycho. I stopped sleeping for a week and spent all my time reading the bible and making plans to "help" people. I was completely out of my mind. I think I must have started talking to people that were not there, but I blocked it out since it was such a shameful experience. Slowly I ost contact with most of my friends and becamse isolated into a bad marriage. We moved away to try to make things better and they improved some but I still stayed isolated for many years. My youth was wasted away in isolation. I had no friends or family where I was, and so when I decided to leave him his resistence was violent. I tried three times to leave and was determined on the third try. I moved home to fall in love with a guy that seemed to have more issues then me, and it was nice having the attention on his problems instead of mine. Eventually his drama exhausted me and I wanted out of the relatioship, but was scared to be on my own for the first time. Finally I did break free from him only to end up back into another relationship with a man that was married (but leaving her). We were very happy together, it would seem that I had found my true love. A year later we suffered through some tough times because he was starting to see the dark side of me, so we broke up. A few weeks later he was back with his wife. He was the only thing that has made my life seem normal since dad passed away. My dad abused my brother when I was little, it was a very violent household. My brother had a different father and my sister had a different mother so it was a house devided. When I was a sophomore in highschool my best friends moved away, and just recently one of my good friends and I stopped talking because she just finally got fed up with me. It is hard to be on facebook and see her happy pictures with our mutual friends, knowing I would have been invited if we still spoke. Most people think I am lucky and creative and intelligent and they think I am weak. A crybaby. They don't take me seriously, I'm not sure my mental illness has ever been taken seriously.
If life could be another way, I'm not sure how I would want it. I guess I just want to be a better person. I want to get over this and really help others and have friends and enjoy the years that I have left. Life is too short to waste. I'm so afraid that's exactly what I'm going to do.

[TerryL]

Oh how hard it must have been for you not to have been able to grieve for your father. If you haven't done so enough yet maybe you could start from there. and the fact that your household was violent, even if it wasn't directed at you, makes things so much more complicated. Your depression could be linked with that also. When my mother died, my grief was intermixed with other issues and I had to untangle them one by one, and work through them one by one. I did it in small steps and it took me a while but I was able to work through things eventually. I hope you will be able to find your way also, whether with the help of a good therapist, or just by doing it yourself as you sound very self-aware. Wishing you all the best--Terry

[gashly]

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and feel alone. It's hard when you also feel you're not taken seriously.

You don't sound like a loser to me.

[Winter Moon]

Welcome to PC. It's a good place. The people here are wonderful. We're glad to have you here.

I agree with Gashly. Definitely not a loser.

Even without the depression it sounds like you've been through a lot. Losing a parent to cancer, violence at home, struggling to get out of a bad marriage. Any one of those things alone would have an effect. And lumped all together, with depression as well, you're fighting through a lot. It doesn't make you weak because you're stumbling and falling. It makes you strong because you keep picking yourself back up.

And if anyone doesn't take you seriously, just remember that it's their problem, not yours. If someone who's supposed to be helping (a doctor, T, etc) isn't taking you seriously, drop them and find another.

If counseling and medication aren't helping you, perhaps you could try a different medication? Or maybe a T, or a different counselor?

You seem like a wonderful person. I hope things turn up for you. Hang in there.