Losing my footing

I don't feel like writing this. I just feel like curling up on my bed, clutching my teddy bear and crying. I wish I could do that all day. But I have two kids to look after so I have to try to pull myself out. I don't want to though. Feels more comfortable and safe down there where I can just shut down. It's all too much some days. Life is all too much and I wish it would all just go away. I don't know why anyone would want to know me. I don't think I'd want to know me. There are far better people out there to know... the people who are happy all the time and make good jokes and fit in and are good people and fun people to be around. I'm not like that. I've never been like that. I don't know the right things to say and I'm not good all the time. If they could see in my head, they wouldn't want to hang around me at all. I don't want to do it all anymore... I just want a holiday. I need one... I need to be able to not put on my 'face' for a little while... but I can't. My kids need me... and as soon as they wake up I have to be ok again so I can get them everything they need and play with them and give them a good childhood.

go out for a run at like dawn and run until the sun is up...i like doing that; its so quiet and the air is so still

My daughter doesn't sleep through the night yet. She feeds 1 to 2 times and my son has been waking up at 5.30am lately. It's hot here and basically summer. I'd love to be able to get out and do exercise by myself, but I don't know where to find the time.

Put jay-z on and use an iPod and blast it; take a freezing cold shower; sing and dance; make ur hair pretty(straighten it); smile in the mirror and go on an on about how hot you are

I could have written that. I'm sorry I dont' have anything uplifting to say, I'm just in the same spot and would feel like a huge hypocrite if I tried to pep talk you when I myself don't think that way right now.

Thanks for your suggestions Sanguinaire. I have no idea who jay-z is, but listening to music is a good idea. Usually I do use distraction methods like you said to cope with it and stop it getting bad. After I had my kids though it's just been different to my previous experiences with depression... Seems like it's been a long time since I've really been happy. I can use the distraction things, but underneath it I'm still sad, I'm just ignoring it. Been like that ever since my son was born. Lately I've just started to get sick of it and it's getting on top of me and I don't feel like trying anymore. All I seem to be able to do is get to an ok level... not happy.. just in the middle.

Also, I would go on about how hot I am, but I don't really like talking about the weather that much. Well there you go... A joke. A bad one, but it's a joke anyway.

Thanks whenwillitend.
I really like your signature.