[Blamethemeds]

My dad committed suicide not to long ago which has left me plagued with nightmares and a disgusting feeling since then. I have depression myself and before he did that I was dealing with my own craziness. I've been through so much in my short life. It's ridiculous. My whole family tells me I'm so strong because of it all. They don't know I just put on a brave face to the world and behind every smile echoes my real heartache. I have no friends because I've pushed everyone away. I feel like I don't deserve them but I'm so lonely. My parents also never let me go to friends houses or the mall or anything growing up so being alone is kind of natural. I've got so much going on still. Someone took advantage of my shy nature today and I hate myself for it. I let a complete stranger bully me and why? Sometimes I want to give up but I know I can't because there's others who depend on me. I keep telling myself it will get better but I keep getting beat down. I feel the need to care about everyone else and their needs, wants, and opinions. This always gets me taken advantage of one way or the other. I feel like I have to be nice no matter what because that's how I want to be treated. But that of course makes me weak to other people. All I do is sleep now. Getting out of be for work and school is a struggle and I dread it. I just want to hide from the world I guess I'm just ranting because today's been a horrible day and I have no one else to talk to.

[turquoisesea]

hi there. I'm not sure how old you are?

Depression is serious.
Losing someone to suicide is especially difficult to deal with. there are a mix of emotions that go past a "normal" death - not that a "normal" death is ok either. but it's really tough.

maybe you need to open up some and seek help? must you wear the mask?

Just wanna *hugyoutightly*...can't possibly imagine dealing with your situation. I do understand some about being there for others & being nice because that's how you want to be treated. It's really hard because it's like where is a person who cares for you like you care for others. Just want you to hang in there. 8)

[Charlie_J]

Hey, and welcome, Blamethemeds... and lots of ((((hugs))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this, so very sorry. Your post really touched me because I lost my Dad to suicide too, all the while trying to deal with my own bipolar issues. I understand completely the nightmares and feeling sure that no one can see how you're falling apart inside.

You sound like a person with high personal standards, as well. Never be sorry for those. The best people are the honourable ones in the world. Just seeing you voice it restored a little of my faith.

Are you quite young? You mentioned school, that's all. What happened with me happened quite a few years ago now, and I just want you to know you don't have to go through this alone. PM me or reply here. I'm imagining that with my experience I'll be able to help you find a little comfort.

Be kind to yourself...