New Here

I am sorry to come here and then just dump all of what is about to come out, but I really feel helpless at this point. This same thought keeps running through my head every day. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I. don't. want. to be here. I don't have the guts to commit suicide. Some days, the really really bad days, I wish I did. If it weren't for my daughter, it would be impossible to hang on.

I am miserable. I feel like a complete failure. I look around my life and I don't have a single friend. If I fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, it would be DAYS....or weeks.....or months before anyone noticed. Except for the people at work. They might notice. At work, everyone thinks I am capable and accomplished. It's all a bunch of bull. I really don't know how I make it believable.

I don't make friends easily. Actually, I don't make friends at all. I am always so worried that they are going to find out "the truth" about me.

I haven't spoken to my mother in about 5 years. She despises me. She told me throughout my childhood/adolescence that she wishes she had had an abortion. She repeatedly said that she loves me because she has to, but she doesn't like me very much. So if given a choice, she wouldn't have loved me either. I would have sold my soul to satan to gain her affection. And every now and then she would give it to me. Then she would rain down hatred on me and I would feel hopeless and helpless for days & weeks until she kicked me out and ignored me for months. After a while, she would try to reconcile and invite me back. I would move back in with her and all would be well for a little while. Then the hatred would start again.

I lost my virginity at the age of 14. The boy was 18 and my mother had let me go on unsupervised dates with him. She had him arrested for statutory rape, but called me a slut. I moved in again with my father after that. He worked alot, so I didn't see him until late in the evening. When he finally let me start dating, I would have sex with the young men within the first couple of dates. I think I was just looking for someone to love me and I had no clue what love really was.

Eventually, my mother stopped trying to "reconcile" with me. It took me 10 years to realize that her relunctance coincided with my 18th birthday and the cessation of child support from my wealthy father. I still hear all the hateful things she said to me. She hates me. She wishes she had never had me. It's like this record of our voices that keeps playing in my head over and over and over again. I hate you. I don't want to be here. I wish I had never had you. I don't want to be here.

My sister and I don't have much of a relationship. I don't think she likes me very much either. She has admitted that when she and I fight, she goes running to our mother and overdramatizes all the "bad" things I have done and minimizes all the bad things she has done because she knows that our mother will come after ME. She called our mother her 'attack dog' and said she likes to do it because that way, she can "keep her hands clean." I already knew that she did it, but I thought it was subcontious (sp?). The fact that she was aware of what she was doing hurt deeply. When she laughed about it, I was devastated.

4 years ago, I left my husband. I had started attending a church with my sister and the relationships that I formed there were what gave me the courage to move out. I lost my marriage, my home and my job in less than 12 months. My sister and I fought at that time and she treated my like a social leper at the church we both attended. It became so gut wrenching that I stopped going. I sunk deep into a pit and made some horrible choices during that time. Nothing that would ever hurt my daughter, but just horrible choices for me. I was so lonely and depressed that I could not handle the isolation any more and sought out relationships that were not appropriate, again. After a short period of time, I realized the loneliness was not going to go away and I stopped.

After a couple of years, I reconciled with my ex-husband. Things were really going well for both of us. I thought we had managed to fix the issues that happened during our marriage. I moved with him when he got a new job. But I am slowly starting to see the cracks in the foundation. I don't think it is going to work. It took every piece of me to leave the first time. That time, I had my sister and my church to support me (at least for the first few months). Now, I have nothing. I am in a new city. No friends (not that I had any in our last city). And no way to be a single mother working the job I have. I keep hoping that things will work out between us, but I am giving up hope.

This afternoon, I became so despondent that I called the suicide hotline. It took my 5 minutes to stop crying so hard that I could even speak. They gave me some phone numbers and I plan to try to find *someone* that can help tomorrow. But tonight, I just feel so lonely.

I used to love to read and cross stitch. Now, all I can find the energy to do is play online games for hours at a time. Just monotonous games that take my mind off of everything. It is the only time I don't hear that dreaded recording in my brain. Just for that time, the hatred and self-loathing stop.

I don't have the energy to do anything except get me and my daughter dressed and go to work. I drag my feet to put together sandwiches for dinner. Cleaning up takes forever and I put it off as long as I can.

My life has been like this for as long as I can remember. There will be seasons where it won't be so bad, but the desperation eventually returns. I can't believe that *this* is all there is. It can't be. This can't be what life is all about. I think that thought is what keeps me sane, or at least semi-sane. The thought that maybe I will eventually figure it out and "be ok."

I'm sorry you are going through this. It will get better, it just takes time. Please hang in there. Maybe you could visit a few churches in your area until you find one you feel at home at. There are lots of good people here who can relate to what you are going through so keep posting.

I hope you feel better now that you got to dump all that. There were many things I could identify with. The wanting to die, feeling like no one would notice, the conflict in not understanding how well I could pull it off at work, but if they only knew, the fear of being discovered for who i really am, having no friends or social outlet, crappy family members. having no support. I spent my whole life that way raising three kids on my own. Always wanting to die because I could never see the light, had no hope of seeing the light from the bottom of the dark pit i was in.

In my forties, I had a nervous breakdown and finally got on medication. When we finally found the right medication, the world changed dramatically. I can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope, the world can be a different place. It was a long hard road, but i didnt give up. and it was well worth it.

so do follow thru on getting help for yourself. keep at it. you sound like a survivor. let go of the past and move forward. most important, hang in there until the miracle happens.

welcome to PC.

Thank you both. I feel somewhat better. I have been sitting here, crying off and on, most of the day. The emoticon of the 2 hugging made me lose it. I feel so raw, like any kind of human contact would just hurt entirely too much, but god how nice it would feel to just crash into someone's shoulder right now. I am hoping that some sleep will take the edge off of all of this, but I am dreading getting up tomorrow to go to work. I just don't want to do it. Deep sigh.