[Music Rules Me]

...since i've been on here.

Generally that'd be a good sign, but not really. I havent got any better at all. In fact, if anything, I'm worse.

Humm, where do I start?
My biggest worry/problem perhaps?

Okay, so back in August time, I was away. While I was away, someone drugged me and had sex with me. I shall from now on refer to this as "The Act".
Well, the act happened when I was menstruating (sorry if tmi, but seems relevant since it's to do wit cycles and ovulation and stuff) and I took emergency contraception on the 3rd and final day that I could've.
Just over a week ago, I did a pregnancy test which came out as negative.
But I still dont feel any less scared about whether or not I'm pregnant.
I keep thinking that if i get another test and do that it'll help put my mind at ease, but i said that before the previous test and obviously it didnt actually help.
I really dont know what to do about it. I can't go to see a doctor or anything, because I just cant. But then I cant have a child. I'm too selfish, young, unprepared, unhappy.
I look at other people my age who are pregnant and think, "Okay, perhaps it's a bit early for them to have kids, but i suppose it's not too bad". But it feels different when thinking about me, because if I am pregnant, it's because of the act not an actual relationship.

And the fact is, I can't talk to anyone about it really. The guy who helped me through the beginning has stopped talking to me. I tried twice to start up conversations with him, but he makes excuses to not reply.
It's a hard thing to actually bring up with anyone else too. Two girls at work were talking about things like the act, and how they'd react...stuff like that makes me feel really nervous. (no, they dont know about what happened, they were talking about acts in general)

I got in trouble at work today for not smiling. I work in a shop. But I was doing all that i could to keep myself from crying. Sometimes pretending is just too hard.

And then whats even worse is when people pretend to care about you and how youre feeling. I know theyre only trying to be polite, but it only makes you feel worse.

Ack, i'm so tired of life and the sh*te that goes with it.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up. Sleep is easy once youre in it...getting in it is a bit more difficult though.

But let's try anyway. If you have any advice for me I'd really like to hear it because my ability to cope with everything without self harm or worse is slipping quickly.

Hope you're all okay. xxxxx

[stern]

I'm feeling really sorry. I know merely words can't console you but let it take this way. If a maniac animal bite you, will you harm yourself in return or will go for a treatment? Similarly you hadn't any control on what that sick-minded person did to you but you have control on yourself. You are important for others. Don't think of harming yourself because of someone else's wrong doing.
Your pregnency test was negative so don't worry about it. You need someone with whom you can share your feelings and who can emotionally support you. See who he could be. Your any reliable friend or a therapist.
Wish you good luck!

[Rohag]

Dear Music Rules Me, I'm glad you're back, but I'm horrified at why you're back. This is trauma on top of depression.

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

Sometimes pretending is just too hard.

How true!

You saw a doctor, but do you have access to any professional who can help you with the long-term effects of what happened?

[Music Rules Me]

Rohag// I've never seen a doctor about any of this. I havent seen a doctor in about 8 years. I dont know if i have access to any professional who can help. But even if i did, i dont see how they could help - it's my problem, my stupid fecking issues, my horrid situations, i dont know if anything could help me. Whats happened is in my memory and that'll never go away.
I'm just now even more scared because the memory might get stronger if i am actually pregnant. I know thoe pregnancy tests have the possibility of being wrong.
I may buy a pack of 2 tomorrow and do one a week or so. If they both come out negative then i may be calmer (even though i may not be). But if even one of them comes out as positive....well i dunno what i'd do. I couldnt have a baby. I couldnt have an abortion. In reality, I'd rather die to be honest. Although that isnt saying much.
Stern// When looking at what you've said I understand it completely. Yes, i'd never blame myself or hurt myself over an animal attack. But somehow something like this makes me feel dirty and worthless. My brain fails me. I know the test was negative, but it's still going to worry me because I know they can be wrong. I seriously dont think theres anyone who can help me: i dont now any therapists who i can go to for free and I dont want to burden my friends with my worthless problems.

But thankyou both for the comments. It does help a tiny bit. xxxxx

[stern]

Yes, i'd never blame myself or hurt myself over an animal attack. But somehow something like this makes me feel dirty and worthless. My brain fails me.

Dear, nobody can mess you. Your heart and mind determines you clean or dirty and in my eyes you are clean and sacred. You or your problem is not worthless for me neither for your friends i conceit. I'm here for you
Keep us informed about your test...

[Music Rules Me]

But the thing is, I do feel dirty. And even though people say that i'm not, I cant help feeling that I am.
I know that this is my fault, otherwise it'd never have happened to me.
It's just so hard to handle.

[needfixing]

you need to stop blaming yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.
i was molested when i was a child, and feeling dirty or ashame was a part of me that would think that i did something to provoke this animal to do that to me, but it wasn't true, i didn't do anything.
he took advantage of me, just like this animal took advantage of you.
it was wrong what happen to you, it's down right disgusting.
i think a part of you feels that if you talk about this no one will believe you.
i believe you, and i validate you.
please get the help you need and deserve, don't do this alone.
thanks for sharing (((hugs)))

[Athemos]

Hi!
Sorry to hear about the forced sex. But seems like you've taken the contraceptive on time - so good job with that. My gut says its going to be ok. Please try to make sure it doesn't happen again... a sharp eye for a guy's intentions is a must. I'm sure you'll get out of it and live a happy and fruitful life soon. Good luck to you!