New to the group

Hi everyone:
I decided to give this support group a try. I have been dealing with depression for a few months now, although my therapist thinks I have been dealing with it for years but was good at coping with it. Anyway, it's gotten worse. I live by myself and my family is geographically far away. I get most of my social support from my friends and my family (over the phone), but sometimes I feel they are getting tired of hearing about me and my depression. I just wish I would get better already. I also suffer from delayed sleep phase syndrome and this whole depression thing has made my sleep problems worse. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Granted, things have been better. I guess I just need to be patient. I'm on Celexa and I'm doing incredible efforts to get through each day. I'm in my third year of graduate school and as someone here said: sometimes I'm just amazed at the things that I am able to accomplish given the way that I feel. I also agree with how good I have gotten at pretending that I'm fine. Ugh!
Well, just getting things off my chest.
Roski

Welcome, Roski!

Yes, isn't it amazing what we can do in spite of our depression!? You and Wendy (Rapunzel) are either very strong willed or your depression isn't as bad as it seems. It's amazing to me how either one of you can attend college and even think of cracking a book! You're both amazing people!

Welcome to the group. I too am new and I can appreciate your situation. I am not in school, but have a very stressful job that requires me to put in a lot of extra hours. At one point I was working 80 hours a week. I'm a Systems Analyst and was in charge of a major Payroll implementation for a large health care system. I am pretty burned out from my job, but continue to make myself do what needs to be done. I, like you, am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I have no energy and the things I used to enjoy, just don't matter anymore. I want more than anything in this world to be happy. That means more than anything else to me.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better and perhaps we can help one another get onto the road of recovery. Again, welcome!

Sherry

Roski,

What are you studying? I'm hoping to be able to get into graduate school. (Look Tomi, I must be doing better today - all week I've been thinking I was a fool to even think about that! And thanks for your kind words ).

Anyway, Roski, I'm glad to meet you. I think that having depression for a long time and not knowing it but being very good at coping with it is something that happens to a lot of people. I hope that you feel better soon. Delayed circadian rhythm disorder is also one of my problems. Just wondering, does your depression get worse in winter? Mine does. Sometimes there is a connection between delayed circadian rhythm and seasonal affective disorder. I started light therapy a few months ago, and the jury is still out on whether or not it actually helps the depression, but it did fix the sleep problems, which helps. Light therapy also normalized my monthly cycle, which was also running on a slower than usual schedule. I didn't expect that, but it makes sense. It's also supposed to work for PMS, which is related to advanced circadian rhythm disorder.

To just keep on doing things and not stop seems to be the key to getting through it - if we stop and wallow in it we don't get anywhere. There's a point where it gets really hard to do anything, but most of the time I can get things done if I have to. It might be harder and take longer and I might not be as happy with the quality of my work, but I can get it done. It sounds like maybe we have a lot in common. I hope you keep posting here - it's nice to meet you.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hi Sherry:
Thanks for your kind words. It's amazing that you are able to get things done! Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel and succumbing to depression. Things seem so hard and the road seems endless sometimes. It helps to know that I'm not alone with this. Hopefully this group will be helpful to us in finding support and advice. My prayers are with you.
I'm sorry that you are not enjoying things that you used to enjoy before. What things were those?
Roski

Hi there:
Thank you for your words of support. I'm not sure if my depression isn't as bad or if as you say Wendy and I are amazing people. All I know is that I have been trying very hard to keep things in my life going, mostly because when I think of the long term consequences I find them overwhelming. Some people have suggested that I take a break from school, but frankly I think that fear of failure is the only thing that is keeping me going at this point. If I took a break from school I'm afraid I would never get out of bed or out of my apartment.
Anyway, I hate sounding so negative. I'm hoping I will get through this. I wish I had my family here. Sometimes I feel so lonely.
Thanks for your response.
Roski

Hi Wendy:
I live in Miami, so I'm not really aware of my sleeping disorder getting worse in the winter. I tried light therapy but I'm not sure I know enough about it. I know they recommend exposing to light after the 2nd third of the sleep cycle. But I'm not sure if I should have my eyes open. In that case, I don't know how it would work because I'm sleeping at that time. I tried chronotherapy during the summer and it worked wonders but you have to stick to the schedule and when I started the semester I got out of it and it lost all effects. I usually sleep 8 to 9 hours but I would go to bed at around 3 or 4 am. In school I arrange my schedule so I don't have any early morning activities. Sometimes that couldn't be done and I had a very hard time dealing with early morning activities. However, I would always make it through convincing myself that it was only for a few months.
I'm not sure if it is the depression or the medication (Celexa) but now I tend to sleep 15 to 17 hours. This has been terrible for school and for my mood as well. I have coped by gathering up a few friends on different days of the week that come over to my house and help me get out of bed, at least until the semester is over in December, but things are not getting better with all this sleep thing and it is very frustrating.
As to what I'm in school for, it's funny. I getting a PhD in Health Psychology. I also have an M.D. degree but I wanted to study the relationship between our emotions and our biology, so I'm doing research in something called Psychoneuroimmunology.
It does seem like we have things in common. I'm glad you are able to get things done. That definitely helps us feel that we have some things under control.
It has been nice meeting you. I hope we keep in touch.
I'm glad you are thinking about going to grad school, what would you like to do? I think it is great to have big things to look forward to. You can do it!
Roski

Roski,

There are different kinds of light therapy. I think what you tried sounds like dawn simulation - is the light on a timer so it starts dim and gradually gets brighter, until time to wake up? For that, it starts while you are asleep so your eyes would be closed until you wake up.

What I do is use a light box in the morning. The light is received visually, so your eyes have to be open to do any good. With delayed circadian rhythm you need to do it in the morning, although evening light therapy is used for advanced circadian rhythm. If it is reversed it will adjust your internal clock the wrong direction. Since delayed circadian rhythm means that you stay up late and then often have difficulty getting up in the morning, you use a schedule starting the light therapy in the afternoon and gradually moving it back as you start waking up earlier. Since I'm definitely not a morning person I had my doubts about that, but it did work. My pattern was to stay up later and later each night by 3 or 4 hours until I wasn't even going to bed by the time my kids were getting up in the morning, so I skipped a day and started over again.

You can find more information at the website where I got my light box. <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.apollohealth.com/index.html>http://www.apollohealth.com/index.html</A> That was where I got the schedule to follow to start.

I am a psychology student and I want to be a psychologist. I essentially had my BA finished 12 years ago, but left a loose end so I didn't get my diploma when I would have graduated. So I'm a fifth year senior right now - I didn't have to take more classes but it's hard to get into grad school and I thought I would have a better chance if I had some current work and references.

Good luck to you too - if you are on your third year you are almost done! Hang in there. Let's stick together.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Roski,

You're more than welcome. You deserve kind words.

Some of the things I really used to enjoy doing were decorating my home and exercising. I used to be really fit, but after going through that systems implementation where I spent so much time working, I guess I got really burned out. I kind of lost my motivation to do those things. I went through a period of time when I just wanted to sleep all the time. I still find it difficult to get myself out of bed when I really don't have to. I'd rather rest and take it easy now than to push myself to exercise or to decorate. Of course in order to decorate, the house has to be clean and I don't even feel like doing that anymore. I do force myself to clean, but not as often as I used to.

Anyway, enough of that. I wanted to share something with you that I found out today. It kind of made me stop and think about how luck I really am. There is a lady at work who is just the sweetest, dearest person you'd ever want to meet. She just turned 60 in August. She lost a son who died in a car accident many years ago. She has a daughter who is mentally challenged and within the last five years or so, found out her husband was cheating on her and went through a divorce.

After her divorce, things started looking up for her. She bought a townhouse and her other son and his wife moved back to the area from the mid west. They soon had a baby girl whom Marcia loved dearly and she was so very happy.....finally. Last year another grandchild, this time a boy was born. Marcia was elated. What more could she wish for?

Then she found out she had cancer and went through surgery and chemo. She only missed about nine weeks of work and just couldn't wait to get back. She continued her chemo treatments for a year I think and about three months ago was told that she was cancer free. Within the past six weeks she has been having a lot of trouble eating and last week went back into the hospital. Yesterday, they did tests and some exploratory surgery and today she found out that she has a new form of cancer and cannot be treated. They told her that she will not live through the end of the year. :-(

There were a couple of things that really stuck me about her. One is that her attitude remains positive even with death staring her in the face. Two is that she asked if she could come back to work. Three is that she said "why should I be afraid to die when I will be with Kenny?"
Kenny is her departed son. Marcia feels that God never gives us more than we can handle!

I know this is a rather long post, but I wanted to share this with you and others who may read it. It just really made me stop and think about how I have so many negative thoughts about so many minor things. When I look at Marcia I see a very strong woman who is such an inspiration. I could only hope to be one tenth as strong and as positive as she is.

Big Hugs,

Sherry

I started panicking as I read about your dear co worker. Those situations are so alarming to me. I pray for her and for you as you watch her go through all that.
My problem is how many of those true horror stories do I have to hear until I myself wake up and start enjoying life.

I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water and I'm scared as hell, but I know theres something better..yes I know there's something better -- Paula Cole

I want to say that I can relate to what you said about continuing with school bec if you didnt you would never want to get out of bed. I would love to stay under the covers and keep sleeping by I am afraid that I will loose my job. How can I support my anxiety with out a job? My job is not a pressure situation so I am able to go and do my job even through my depression and anxiety.
There are many days that at the crack of dawn I wince and pray for darkness. Living is the hardest "job" i've ever had.
Lets all pray that we can enjoy our lives and get through all this.

I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water and I'm scared as hell, but I know theres something better..yes I know there's something better -- Paula Cole

Sherry, thanks for sharing such an inspiring story. I don't know too many people that could face death with such a positive spirit. You and your friend will be in my prayers.

Paula,

Yes, that's exactly how I felt when I heard that Marcia wasn't going to make it through the end of the year. "Why don't I just wake up and start to realize that things could be a lot worse for me?" I have much to be thankful for and I need to stop all this "stinkin thinkin" that I do. I feel as if I am wasting my life by doing these things to myself.

Marcia is a wonderful lady and I thank you for your prayers for her and for me. I will pray for you as well as all of the other members of this group. Prayer can be a powerful thing.

Thanks again, Paula. May God bless you and keep you in his tender care and may you find the joys that life has to offer. I'm so sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I totally understand.

Hugs,

Sherry

Thanks to everyone for your prayers for Marcia! I know she appreciates them very much!

Yes, she is truly an inspiring woman!

Hugs to all!

Sherry