[Sad&Lonely]

Growing up, I LOVED Christmas. Now, I seem to just dread it. I am a Christian and should look forward to it, but I don't. I am married (nearly 21 years) and we have six children. It's stressful trying to buy Christmas presents for all these kids, especially when they're very ungrateful and act like they're entitled to expensive gifts. We're NOT rich. And, now, my husband has just been diagnosed with heart disease (he's 44) and had three stents put in last Monday. So, now, I have to deal with this plus the ungrateful kids, who don't seem to give a rat's ***** about either of us. The kids do nothing but fight with each other and destroy the house. We have a very nice house but it stays a mess all the time because it's just impossible for me to keep up with cleaning behind 7 people (the oldest is married) on a daily basis. My husband has never been very supportive in disciplining the kids and making them help out, etc. He wasn't made to do anything when he was a kid, so he doesn't make our kids do much at all. So, when there's a fight (and I mean a physical fight!) among our kids, he just acts like it's no big deal while my heart rate is through the roof and I'm yelling and such. I've contemplated ending it all but don't have the nerve. And, this is crazy, but I feel like I should get the house in order and clean before I do it. I mean, I don't want people coming to offer condolences to have to see my messy house. Makes no sense, does it? I'm just sick of it. And, my husband says I'm just not happy with anything and never have been. He looks at me and thinks I'M an ingrate. But, I'm not, really... I just can't handle all of this. My parents can't be bothered to even visit us and they live only 90 miles away. My in-laws are 10 years older than them and we see them more often (also 90 miles away). Gosh, I'm rambling... (sorry). I'm sitting in bed crying right now because the 17 year old daughter came home from work (Sonic) and immediately started a fight with our 10 year old son who was asleep on the sofa because he left water in the floor of the downstairs bathroom when he took a shower. Instead of just cleaning it up with a towel, she felt the need to pick a fight with a sleeping child and he kicked her and she slapped him in the face and he says she pinched him on the shoulder, etc. Husband sits and says nothing. It's always left up to me to do anything. I'd like to kick her out of the house when she hits 18, but I'm sure he won't hear of it. Gosh... where do I go to resign??

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Sad&Lonely!

Wow.

Somewhere in the chaos do you have a physical and mental island of order and calm where you can retreat? Do you think you could carve out a space, even a tiny one?

[jitters]

Echoing what Rohag said: Wow. Is it possible that you could get everyone into family counseling? It sounds like there are some *deeply* ingrained dysfunctional family dynamics going on there. It also sounds like everyone is stressed out and taking it out on each other...no one knows how to deal with their emotions.

Sounds like some house rules are in order, too. It's never too late to institute house rules, but expect a *lot* of resistance and heated emotions. Things will get worse before they get better. You'll have to come up with consequences, too. I don't know how easy that will be for you

Sorry I couldn't be of more help. I hope things get better for you soon

[kaliope]

wow, it is certainly difficult to be struggling with an unsupportive mate having to handle a house full of kids. as jitters said, its never too late to start a list of house rules and consequences. you will have to talk to your husband to gain his cooperation and if he will not enforce them at least get him to support you in taking action.

and if your kids are ungrateful, then get them simple gifts for christmas. there is no rule that says you have to spend a fortune on them. theyll get over it.

welcome to PC. you will find lots of support here. make sure to check out the chat rooms.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Sad&Lonely ))))))))))))

[amity]

I am so sorry that you have to put up with so many stressors all at the same time....obviously you need immediate relief....i have seen that some people have the knack of being cool even in hostile surroundings...take your husband for example..he can keep cool in the same house ....i suggest you leave the kids to their own devices,dont intervene at all...when things get really loud,go to your bed room &rest for a while...let them solve their own problems...try this for a while...you seem to be a perfectionist,but let this habit take the back seat for some time & see the results...the mess in the house does not matter...what matters is your sanity.....if every one is being selfish you also tread the same path.
I am sorry about your husband..mine too had stents put in...so i know how it feels...hope he recovers fast.Have patience ,these days too will pass.
How about reading my post "Beat the blues" http://jeeteraho.blogspot.com

[hottinroof]

Hi sad&lonely, I can relate to the stresses of family life.

First off, I would say you need to create some boundaries for yourself, to protect you from the noise of a large family. Earplugs, iPod earphones (listen to some soft music around the house), perhaps there is a room you can lock the door and read or get on computer, or watch a soothing movie. Give yourself some sacred space.
This sets a good example for the kids too, they see that squabbling isn't the only way to communicate, they will copy you and have some quiet time.

I know it's hard, but look on the bright side, you have created a large and vibrant family, they probably need a few guidelines to pull them into line, but you can't do that alone. A family counsellor will help by drawing up a few simple rules to create boundaries and re-inforce respect for each other and for yourself. Some people can cope with chaos. I can't, and it sounds like you can't either. Nor should you have to.
HUGSSSS