[littleyellowspider]

I haven't posted here in a while. Really since this summer, and I feel like I should be here more and offer support, but at the same time maybe it's good because I've come a long way since this summer. mainly because of my medicine. At the end of last semester I was at an all time low and needed to fix a lot of things and finally through lots of time with my doctor found a good combination of medicine. I had been against taking multiple medications for a long time because I didn't want to be overly medicated or too dependent on medication, but I realized that the one medicine approach wasn't going to cut it. I'm now taking three different kinds as well as three different specialty vitamin type things to help balance everything out. I'm not perfect- I still struggle with feeling sad, hopeless and worthless. But I feel better than I have since childhood. I am soo much more functional now and even though I have to keep working it's a big improvement. I decided that I would rather have the side effects than the depression. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to have my prescriptions renewed and ran out of medicine about a week or so ago. because I knew I'd be getting everything renewed tomorrow I (foolishly) figured that a week without it would be fine. I am itchy, nauseous, can't focus, and worst of all in only one week my symptoms are back full force. I am soo stressed out and anxious -I am worried out of my mind and am feeling so sad and worthless. I just can't wait to get my medicine and even though it's only tomorrow I feel like it's forever away because I don't want to deal with the night.

I guess the point of this post is just that I wish i wasn't so dependent on this medicine - I don't want to take 6 pills a day for the rest of my life, I don't like the side effects or the sick feelings or any of it. I am glad to be feeling so much better with my depression but at the same time I feel useless and angry with myself that I can't function at all without all these drugs in my body.

[missbelle]

So if you were diabetic would you feel dependent on insulin?. Of course!....The insulin saves your life....the meds you take for depression are saving your life in a way...they are giving you a good life...be glad the meds help you. You have an illness not a character defect. You can't talk yourself out of depression. I wish that all could understand that depression is not a curse, or a weakness. Still 2011 you convey what so many think even now...that we can beat our depression if we were not so weak. THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. You have an illness that can be managed with meds. How wonderful. All of us that have depression etc are truly blessed that we can live good lives thanks to good drugs. I hate to think what I would have been like without my meds. As it was I was 45 or so when I finally was dx. with depression....a lot of lost years and bad decisions before that!! I am greatful for the meds. You are blessed!

[alifewithoutfear]

Hi LittleYellowSpider,

Your post sounded really familiar to me. Been there, still there in many ways. Your not alone in this, millions of people go through the same feelings and thoughts about there meds and what it says about them. One thing for sure: You are not weak or foolish. No way. The feelings may be there, feeling are feelings, they just are. They do not define you and the value you provide to you friends, family, and the community in general.

As missbelle said, our meds are no different than meds for any other condition. They help! They enable us to do things that would be impossible without them. In some cases our pmeds preserve our lives.

Reading your post left the impression on me that you are more on top of this than you may be giving yourself credit for.

You say you still have to "work" at it. I bet you do, I know I sure do. I believe most of us do. The work can be satisfying in its own way. Feels good to put in an effort and then experience to positive results of the work. Like creating beautiful art, you put your heart and soul into it and when your done it feels darn nice to take in what has been achieved, what it means to you and those you chose to share it with.

OK, a small, simple to understand but maybe not easy to do suggestion.

Sit with these feelings. During your quiet, personal time, just be still and consider what is going on with you. Think about how it is without the meds, what goes on with your body, take a survey head to toes. Same for your thoughts and feelings. Maybe write it down, journal it. Do the same for when you are on your meds. Allow your self to feel, don't suppress or resist your feelings as best you can. Just as important, don't cling to your feelings. Take what my therapist calls the surfers approach. Ride the wave. If it's a nice wave, useful to you, stay with it for a while. If it's not a useful wave, cut back and get off. Then do something nice for your self. Once your ready, paddle back out and find a better wave. Might take some time to be able to do this, to be able to single out the focused feelings and thoughts about your meds from the rest of the noise that can go on in our minds.

So, be nice to yourself. Give yourself credit for your success's. Your decision to renew your meds could easily be seen as a "wise" choice. You did and can function even while on your med holiday. You may find you will feel more energized and thrive once back on them. Good on you!!!

[akekaomen]

Let's see, I take 6 for depression and anxiety and ADHD (one for as needed psychotic features control). I take 3 for blood pressure, which forced me to lower my ADHD dose - stimulants and high blood pressure don't mix for some reason. Those are the prescriptions, not the number of pills. Fortunately one is not daily, but it's coming up enough to be at least 3x per week, so you could say I have 8 to 9 Rx's.

Can I go off of them....NO! If I stop taking my blood pressure meds, I will die. If I stop taking my depression, anxiety, ADHD meds, I will eventually ruin my life and probably be no better than dead.

I hate high blood pressure. I hate taking 3 pills to control it, but it keeps me from so many complications with my kidneys, eyes, etc... I don't really hate my depression/anxiety/ADHD meds. Those gave me my life and even then, it's not 100%. The side effects suck, but I was born with this problem. No amount of willpower can change that. My willpower (read as coping techniques) is better used to cope with what the pills don't yet fix.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by littleyellowspider

I guess the point of this post is just that I wish i wasn't so dependent on this medicine - I don't want to take 6 pills a day for the rest of my life, I don't like the side effects or the sick feelings or any of it. I am glad to be feeling so much better with my depression but at the same time I feel useless and angry with myself that I can't function at all without all these drugs in my body.

I'm a diabetic. I have to take pills and inject myself once a day. For life. Or I'd die. But that's OK, because I have a normal life and pills are not a high price to pay for that.

So don't think of pills as a sign of failure. You're sick. That's not your fault. But if you stop taking you pills and fall into a black pit, that will be your fault.

My brother-in-law made coming off pills his top priority. Bad move.