Sitting here feeling so inadequate trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The person I need the most in my life is my mom & I don't have her..never had her. She has 4 girls & she's only a mother to 2...I'm not one of them. My heart is broken & has the biggest hole that can't be filled. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever be filled.

Everyday I'm triggered because I see & hear the things I wish I could experience. Why isn't my mom here for me? Why has she abandoned & rejected me? Even now she has the opportunity to be here for me, but her work other children & grandchildren are more important. Why am I not worthy of her love?

My depression has come mostly because my mom isn't a part of my life. I don't have family that I can depend on. If i don't have anyone else...I'm supposed to have my mom, right? Not having her has taken a toll on me year after year til the point of a suicide attempt at the age of 17. I constantly have thoughts of dying because I don't feel like I deserve to live.

I'm not good enough to have a mom, dad, family, or friends. I don't deserve to live this life. It would be better if I died because then I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't be a burden. I wouldn't have to cut & burn. I wouldn't have the thoughts & memories of trauma. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. Suicide is not an option for me & it sucks that I don't want to live for me. So I will just go on with the depression because I will never be anything other than depressed anyway.

(((((SoFragile88)))))

I cannot personally relate to the desire to be accepted by others, but I understand that this is important for most people. My personal opinion is that, if your mother does not accept you, it is not your fault. This is HER issue - it has nothing to do with you.

My experience has been that self-esteem and happiness should not come from other people's love and acceptance - it should come from within. When we love and accept ourselves, we can be content...even if someone else does not appreciate us for who we are! The opinion that matters most is our own.

I am so sorry if I have asked you this before, but are you currently seeing a therapist? These feelings and thoughts you are experiencing, should not be something to go through alone. Talking with a therapist is something that almost anyone can benefit from.

Please keep in mind that we at PC are here to listen, whenever you need to talk and let out any feelings you don't want to keep inside. We are not judgemental here - and we accept people for who they are. That is one of the reasons why this site is so fantastic. Hang in there, okay? Things will get better!

[Aslan]

Maybee love will find u, thats what we all need, someday your dreams will come true,xxxx

[shezbut]

((((((SoFragile88))))))

Honey, you don't deserve this pain and misery.

Have you been working with a T, to help you at all? Take any anti-depressants? You should call your doc right now and tell them that you're feeling hopeless and miserable. You need some help to get you through the black hole surrounding you.

Please do call your doctor's office NOW. You shouldn't have to feel this way anymore. Those feelings and unshakeable thoughts are beyond miserable. You don't ever deserve to live a life of misery and inconsolable pain. Please believe me.

Very gentle hugs to you ~ don't wait any longer. Get help now. Okay? Please.

Just got a T...saw her last night & will be seeing her again Monday. I've wrote some things down so we can discuss how I've been feeling.

I'm not on anti-depressants & not sure if I will take them again. I don't have a doctor to call & I'm not so bad that I need to call 911. So i'm just sitting in class with these thoughts while feeling socially awkward & isolated from everyone here. I hate my life, dislike myself, & just hanging in here just because I can't hurt my sister by giving up. So here I am...just existing 8\

[depressedalaskan]

((((((SoFragile88))))))

Have you sat down with your mother to explane to her how you feel? I don't see a mother not loving her children. It might be that your illness is pushing you away from your family. Telling you she does not love you.

In my case I have or my illness has, pushed me away from my family also. I see this but I am very scared to change what I have done (or my illness has done). I am also not sure how to face this all. Yes I am on meds and have a shrink.

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

((((((SoFragile88))))))

Have you sat down with your mother to explane to her how you feel? I don't see a mother not loving her children. It might be that your illness is pushing you away from your family. Telling you she does not love you.

In my case I have or my illness has, pushed me away from my family also. I see this but I am very scared to change what I have done (or my illness has done). I am also not sure how to face this all. Yes I am on meds and have a shrink.

I don't have any contact with her & when I had her phone number her work was more important than talking to her daughter. My other family is not my family. They gave hurt me & I've chosen to not be in contact with them because there's nothing beneficial to having them a part of my life...not after what they have done when I needed them the most.

Yes my illness has played a part in me not wanting anything to do with them because I'm hurt, but they don't care for me either way. No one has tried to reach out to me. No one has tried to see if I need anything. No one has offered to help me out. So I rather stay my distance even though it hurts to not have them.

[Severijn]

Hi SoFragile88. I agree that you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. That's just too painful.

If your family doesn't give you the support you need, finding other friends/other caring people sounds like a good idea. But you say you don't deserve friends, and to me this sounds like a self-esteem issue. The thing is, all people deserve a good, normal, happy life. I think that's a universal rule of life. It's a sort of God given right to all people. (This is not true for hardcore criminals, who have to go to jail of course. But the rest of humanity does deserve to be happy.)

The best way I've found to become happy is doing 1. exercise and 2. improving your social skills and in particular your conversation skills.

Doing exercise seriously makes you feel better on the inside and outside. Have you ever tried this seriously?

And improving your conversational skills can be a major way to become happy. Some bookstores have a self-help section so perhaps it's an idea to look there for some good book. Otherwise, you can search for them in an online bookstore like amazon.com or barnes and nobles.

I think if you find new friends and create a new life for you you will stop worrying about getting the love from your mother. I never got the love from my mother. She's just incapable of truly loving someone I think. So I had to move on (which was very difficult). When I met new people (and got more of my human needs met) I felt much less sad about not having a normal mother that cared for me.

Some people will not change; my mother never changed at least. But you yourself can change. If you create a new life for yourself with new friends I think your worries and that black hole in your soul will disappear.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by SoFragile88

I don't have any contact with her & when I had her phone number her work was more important than talking to her daughter. My other family is not my family. They gave hurt me & I've chosen to not be in contact with them because there's nothing beneficial to having them a part of my life...not after what they have done when I needed them the most.

Yes my illness has played a part in me not wanting anything to do with them because I'm hurt, but they don't care for me either way. No one has tried to reach out to me. No one has tried to see if I need anything. No one has offered to help me out. So I rather stay my distance even though it hurts to not have them.

You are good enough. Every child deserves to have loving parents. I don't know why some parents don't love their children, but I've finally figured out it isn't the fault of the child. Since you need and want love, please start by loving yourself and if you are able, reach out the hand of friendship to someone in your class who seems lonely. I grew up lonely and unloved and I still don't have the 'perfect' life but I no longer carry around that heavy burden of guilt and shame (this is what I felt) because my mother didn't love me. I send you love.

Originally Posted by Severijn

Hi SoFragile88. I agree that you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. That's just too painful.

If your family doesn't give you the support you need, finding other friends/other caring people sounds like a good idea. But you say you don't deserve friends, and to me this sounds like a self-esteem issue. The thing is, all people deserve a good, normal, happy life. I think that's a universal rule of life. It's a sort of God given right to all people. (This is not true for hardcore criminals, who have to go to jail of course. But the rest of humanity does deserve to be happy.)

The best way I've found to become happy is doing 1. exercise and 2. improving your social skills and in particular your conversation skills.

Doing exercise seriously makes you feel better on the inside and outside. Have you ever tried this seriously?

And improving your conversational skills can be a major way to become happy. Some bookstores have a self-help section so perhaps it's an idea to look there for some good book. Otherwise, you can search for them in an online bookstore like amazon.com or barnes and nobles.

I think if you find new friends and create a new life for you you will stop worrying about getting the love from your mother. I never got the love from my mother. She's just incapable of truly loving someone I think. So I had to move on (which was very difficult). When I met new people (and got more of my human needs met) I felt much less sad about not having a normal mother that cared for me.

Some people will not change; my mother never changed at least. But you yourself can change. If you create a new life for yourself with new friends I think your worries and that black hole in your soul will disappear.

At this moment I honestly disagree. Everyone has disappointed me & just increased the feelings of not being good enough. I feel so socially awkward that having friends that truly understand me are slim to none. I feel invisible around others that I wish I could just disappear. I don't think the desire of wanting my mom will ever go away. No one wants to put up with a person who is always depressed & hurting themselves...at least they don't want to put up with me. How do I know? Well it has been proven time & time again.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoFragile88

Sitting here feeling so inadequate trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The person I need the most in my life is my mom & I don't have her..never had her. She has 4 girls & she's only a mother to 2...I'm not one of them. My heart is broken & has the biggest hole that can't be filled. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever be filled.

It's clear that you'll never be good enough for your mother, and your mother will never fill the hole. As long as you keep looking for love there, you wll never be happy.

But other people in your life probably love you more than you think.

When I was depressed, I kept looking for evidence that I wasn't loved. And of course if I looked hard enough, I always found it. When I started looking for evidence that I was loved, I found that too.

It's a "cognitive distortion" thing.

[notablackbarbie]

Oh ((((Sofragile88))))
Im so so sorry. i hear you i get it i understand completely. i am sorry you are so alone with so much pain.
I wish i was closer by to at be able to acknowledge and support you irl as a friend.
Right now all i can do is be availiable here when i can, and cover you with after after after ... (more will come soon)

[roads]

Dear sofragile, here we are again: I ache for you, for all the pain you suffer, as so many here do--and again there seems to be little we can do but offer commiseration & hugs.

I have to tell you, though, that your "mother" is a real piece of work. I'm a pretty peaceful person, truly I am, but when you write of what her rejection has done to you I feel like I wouldn't mind getting her & the doctor who got my mom addicted to prescription meds in the same room and reviewing the power of Peace vs the Punch. Kidding, maybe, but she doesn't deserve any kids.

I didn't deserve my mom. She loved me even when I broke her heart. She didn't always like me especially then (yeah, she said that), but she always loved me.

I know, sofragile, that that black hole will never go away. Your recovery through your work in therapy will bring you the knowledge that you didn't create that hole. Your mom made that choice, and it had nothing to do with you. When you realize that, you will have a major decision to make: Will you ever forgive her?

I wish you could read your posts through my eyes. You would know, then, why I'm sitting here at the computer trying to find the words that will give you a glimpse of the you I'm coming to know.


Roadrunner

I truly thank you guys for your love & support...it means a lot. Hopefully one day I can truly forgive her & love her despite how she treated & what she feels towards me. I honestly think I'm obsessed with finding a mother figure & I keep getting disappointed. *sigh* I don't know anymore....

[TerryL]

Hi SoFragile--do you know why your mother only cares about 2 of her children and not the others? Do you know what kind of life your mother had when she was growing up? Was she abused? I think if you understood her as a person and not as a mother, that might give you a clue as to why she is the way she is, and maybe then some healing or forgiving can begin.

((((SoFragile)))))
I wish I could give you a real life hug, What am I going to do with you? I will tell you a little story my mum don't care much about me either and I always treated her well, Now my brothers were nasty and they got the best of everything so what did I do wrong? I never got a hug or nothing of my mum I always wanted her love but never ever got it, Now I am more mature, I think well that is her problem, I can see that I am the good one she is the bad one, I did nothing wrong, I give hugs and show love now.

You can break away SoFragile believe me you can, I did it and believe me I was a very lonely person.

@TerryL no I don't know, but I can say this...I'm a twin & we were born 3 mnths premature. We were very sickly & I guess it was hard to take care of us, besides the fact my mom was depressed when she had us...so she did some things she shouldn't have like leaving us in the house crying while she went to go drink. Or when she carelessly put me in hot water (I don't even know the story of that, but I have the scar on my leg from it). Her & my dad had a mutual agreement that we go live with our great grandma. She ended up adopting us. I still don't know the entire "truth" of how & why we ended up there. I'm ok that I was adopted by my granny, but I'm not ok that she wasn't a part of my life. I'm not ok that she chose my oldest & youngest sisters to care for & not us. I'm not ok that even now she chooses not to develop a relationship with me. A part of me wishes I could stop feeling these feelings & just get over it, but the little girl in me needs her mom.

@Buttercup thanks for sharing love & I truly wish that I can receive your real life hug. Sorry you had to endure what you did with your mom. I was the black sheep between me & my twin...everyone liked her & not me. It seemed like no matter what I did wasn't good enough or right for my grandma. Even now with relationships that I was able to form, in some way every person has rejected & abandoned. I always did something wrong that drew a wedge between me & that person. So I can understand what you were saying. I'm happy for you that you realized that you are a good person. I'm happy that you were able to forgive & move on. Maybe one day...I can too. Thanks again, you're so sweet to me 8)

[TerryL]

A girl does need her mom. It is a primal need and it is incredibly difficult to overcome that. I give credit to all the posters who were able to do that. But since your mom is still alive, you can still try to bridge the gap and find out the whole story. Do you think she would tell you her story if you asked her? You said she was depressed when she had you and your twin and there must be something behind that. I saw Jane Fonda in an interview one time and she had always felt unloved by her parents. When she understood that her mother had been sexually abused when she was younger, Jane was finally able to realize her mother not being able to show love to her was not Jane's fault. Jane had always blamed herself. She finally realized that her mother had been battling demons from her own past. With that new knowledge she was able to forgive her mother, and also shed the self-questioning she had done her whole life. I know you said your mom was able to show love to your other sibs, there must be a reason behind that. I really hope you will try to talk to her. or maybe ask your granny or some other family member who might know. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. (((Hugs)))

She doesn't have time for me. I don't have other family that I talk to & my granny is no longer living. I can't get a straight answer because nothing lines up. I've tried to reach out to her & she rarely replies. So I've given up hope. I just want to overcome all the hurt & pain that I have of not having her in my life.

((((SoFragile)))) I am really sorry

.......forgive my audacity...

YOU are good enough....and I would like to see those who think perhaps otherwise...

I would change their face so their toothbrush would be difficult to operate.

calmly break their life apart...

I hope you are ok

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

.......forgive my audacity...

YOU are good enough....and I would like to see those who think perhaps otherwise...

I would change their face so their toothbrush would be difficult to operate.

calmly break their life apart...

I hope you are ok

Thank you! I'm trying to be ok...it just hurts so bad. Everything triggers me to think about it & I hate it. I envy those who've had\has a decent life with their parents & family. It hurts to know that I will never be 1st...I will always come last.

[Fuzzybear]

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoFragile88

but the little girl in me needs her mom.

I can relate to that.