Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

Absolutley hate crying! Never used to cry. Started out very sad today but made myself put one foot in front of the other and accomplished something today. Tired now. Tired is better than sad.

I feel pretty awful.

I feel even more awful.

i am feeling depressed and worn out. i am dragging. i do not want to go to therapy, but i am going. i fear i mean nothing to anyone here on PC. Crap! i have to get in the shower if i am going to T today. Need to do laundry and make lunch too. Thus i feel like vomit. (i am sorry to be so graphic). i feel like black in color, extra thick peanut butter.

Hi guys. . .today is a better day (I think). I went to CPR training this morning and took care of some errands. It's 12:30p and I have the rest of the day to relax (as best I can relax. . .feeling very anxious and fearful/paranoid). At the CPR this morning I had to interact with 30 people and be assessed (judged) on my performance by a nurse. It freaked me out. I'm still shaky.

Kaika, glad you're feeling better and "breezy ." Rose76, I hope the exam went ok. It sounds nerve racking. I'm sorry you're not feeling good today. Hope things get better. vin_rouge, I'm glad you had a better day yesterday. f.reliant, glad you made it through the day okay. clound_and_sun I'm sorry you were feeling lonely yesterday. I was feeling lonely too. Shadow-world, I'm so sorry things aren't getting better. For what it's worth, you are in my thoughts. Hi turquoise4, I'm glad your therapy session went well. I'm still looking for a T but I do have a great psychiatrist.

Well, I'm going to spend some time with my wife. She's in bed with a migraine headache. I think see just wants me to lie next to her and be there for her.

Gary

I have had an ok day. I am still really behind at work and don't see how I am ever going to get caught back up. I am working respite all day tomorrow, and I am actually kind of excited about it.

I'm feeling lonely tonight and a little sad...earlier today was better. I think I should probably just go to sleep.

Yesterday I treated my sisters to a dinner night with the three of us, they enjoyed it and they're stuffed (blaming the appetizer haha) and today, I strangely feel good and giddy. I don't know why...

Pretty good day today. Back to work tomorrow. Mood's been stable. Using my coping skills. Off to bed after the Reds game.

Having a tough day. I dont want to live anymore. I have no will. I'm not going to do anything to myself...but i so wish i had the courage to end it all. I just cant do this anymore...theres no point. Im all alone

i feel horrible, my mood swinging but i try to calm my self.

flipp'n allergies. Itchy red dry eyes, pounding headache. Haven't been here for three or four days, can't take looking at the screen long. Really needed the knowledge I'm not alone, so many in the PC "know" just what I'm going though, what I feel.

Not sure where I'm at right now, went to the doc for the allergy, he wanted to talk about the depression and ask if I had considered ECT. I have-scary, it's very scary. I've had episodes of depression since childhood--the first time I thought about SU I was 9 and did not understand what death was, not really. Since then have tried every drug out there and every combo. Can be doing good, everything can be going great then bam, down the rabbit-hole. But ECT? I need an expert to talk this though, all the pro's and con's.

Problem is my insurance, don't have a real pdoc. Getting Tx from mental health nurse w/ professional license to do meds. After the depression hit and they wanted me to go to the hospital, instead I asked for a real pdoc.I do not want to ever go into a hospital here without first already having a pdoc-way too traumatizing. The insurance is ssslllooowww. Gave me some names, two of them! The pdoc's aren't accepting new patients. Now my insurance is going to switch to new vendor so I'm stuck until after July but the new vendor gave me some names to start calling and so far no one has an opening until November? I may lose my T on top of all this, my T is not on their list! My primary doc is new too he just started in March but I'm really impressed with how great he his about the depression and PTSD, doesn't scare him, he brings it up and wants to talk about it and find a solution. My primary doc just decided in Jan she was going to move I have to say the replacement is really impressive. He gets it and theres no judgment he's from the north east and he's finding Texas attitudes restrictive, especially for mental health, hope he doesn't just decide to leave too.

Frustrated doesn't cover what I'm feeling along with depression. But here I know I'm not alone. I know depression doesen't last forever, it just feels like it. I know that even if I don't get Tx it will go away---eventually. But this is the USA--health care is supposed to be better than this!!!!!

I'm down in the dumps.

Today is not a good day. My mom woke me up at 8:00 by coming in my room talking (loudly!) on the phone with her sister. She's so insensitive and disrespectful. My skin is starting to clear up because I went off of the HORRIBLE prescription cream my HORRIBLE derm recommended but I still feel ugly and gross. I hope that within the next month it starts to really clear up so that I can gain some confidence back. I'm still upset about my ex and just want to spend the whole day laying in bed.

Waking up is the worst part of the day for me.

these weeks my depression getting the best of me and have no motivation to do anything at all and constant headache and worst pain from half of my face to my shoulder make everything worst, but today i feel much more better than yesterday, i even eat today and my headache also lil bit better but i still have to wear my neck collar which i dont really like it but.. i wont complain about that

Oh so blah and bloated. Have appointment tomorrow. Will start on meds. Know they will help cope, but know how long it takes for them to kick in and know that none of this helps with problems only with coping with them. Suffering a lot of consequences of other peoples actions for a long time.

Have an appointment with p-doc today. Will check back later.

Waking up wasn't so bad today. What a relief.

Ugghhh....Had a major brain-fart this morning. Missed my bus and had to reschedule my appointment with p-doc.

Another day dealing with the feelings of sadness, fear, isolation, feeling worthless. I am praying for God to help me each day. I pray He helps us all.

I sure can understand that feeling. Nighttime, when I sleep, seems to be the only time I can shut off my brain & all the thoughts swirling within it. Waking up is really hard to do on some days.

Second day back with my line manager and things are already getting difficult again.
I shall try meditation tomorrow morning before work. I need to keep it together until I can find a new job where I can hopefully do meaningful work again.
This, at the moment, is not necessarily the case.

Woke up early for no apparent reason then my mom asking me to pay the van for some minor damages, registration and emission. She already crossed my line TWICE for paying the godforsaken van that I don't even know how to drive!!

I am feelingn very depressed and hopeless right now.