[TinkerLoop]

Hey guys,

Ok well I don’t normally talk on here or post but I have quite a lot going through my head right now id like to get out.

I do not wish this post to cause offense I do not wish this post to give methods I am going to talk about oding I will talk about pills but I will not say what pill I am going to talk about. If this post is unacceptable I am sorry please edit what you can, but please do not completely delete my feelings. As I need as much help as I can get with them.- This is not a suicide post this is me looking for help getting better friends and support.

For those of you who don’t know me……..I’m 18 (coming up 19 at end of Feb), I live with my parents on a small council estate, I was brought up as a Christadelphian in a highly religious family. When I reacted 15/16 I left the religion I went against all my families belief I became the family disgrace. By this time I was cutting and overdosing without them knowing. At 17 a close friend grassed me up/told on me for overdosing and I had to go hospital. That is the only time I have been to hospital for overdosing. My parents found out I was told in a selfish disgrace they couldn’t bear to look at me. Now I am going it alone I have gone bk to try and get help for my overdosing.

A bit about what I overdose on - NOTE WITHOUT THE NAME- what I overdose on is possibly one of the most dangerous things I could get hold of and the worst thing to overdose on. Over the last few weeks I have gain a better knowledge of it than I ever have from the people around me the ones I love whole heartedly and those who are strangers to me with a knowledge beyond my stupidity. This pill affects my heart, brain and kidneys as well as my liver. I am giving myself life long liver damage with each pill/another step to death. But in time these steps are irreversible. The longer I do it with no help the longer im going to suffer the more my chances of dying from it are. It takes 10 hours for fatal damage, but 2 weeks to actually die and its fairly reliable. Once 10-12 hours is up, you've had it, but you still live for a week or two after that. Horrible side effects during this time (some of which are: acute toxic hepatitis, renal failure, cerebral oedema, intra-abdominal bleeding, aspiration pneumonia, haemophilia). Too small dose causes severe liver damage. Accidental deaths are very common. There are few if any side effects before the damage becomes fatal; occasionally vomitting and nausea.

Knowing this now I have understanding how people professional qualified to help me seem to by pass it. They tell me ill see you next week or change subject. How do they even know im going to be here next week. Do they not believe me when I tell them I doing it? do they not even care?

I don’t know what to make out of the mental health system I do not wish to waste their time I do not wish to be sectioned. I do not wish to spend time in hospital yet at the same time sumtimes I think I do. I cannot stop myself from doing this I try and fail. It feels a bit like they are willing to try and help me or they do not know what they have on their hands. I guess I want someone in the mental health system to care enough to take me on sumone to help me escape this hell.

Im told I cant get addicted to this pill by a student doctor friend maybe they are wrong I just don’t know I don’t know what to think of all of this.

Theres days I want to die and them theres days I don’t and regret all ive done and fear im gonna grow old in pain more pain than id get if I didn’t od. So I guess yes I do look to the future sometimes in hope ill have one I think we all do just don’t always admit it. I can od one day and a few days later I might think this is going to take to long to die what if I cant my mind before I die what if they cant save me cos im to far gone.

I had a mental health assessment yesterday they sent me home again sed they want another day to assess me even tho id admitted id had over 30 pills over the weekend. Part of me wonders how they can do that knowing what I know. Part of me wonders if this is a start how can they help me, They may as well say shes to far gone for us whos next to assess.

I am trying my best to get outta this mess.

I’m probably boring you all now and if you have managed to read this far congrats.

I’ll leave you all be now.

TinkerLoop
xxxx

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS )))))))

Dear Tinker,

I am so SORRY that you are having to deal with so much and at such a young age.... the only comfort that I can give to you at this very moment is to let you know that I too have been there (when I was 16) and now at 30 something I am still alive and fighting every day against the evil in my own mind that tries to take my life on any given day - BUT

I WILL NOT GIVE IN OR LET IT WIN - I WILL SUCCEED IN LIVING.... I am WORTH the fight (and) YOU are to.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[TinkerLoop]

thanks hun just wanna scream at the moment its so hard. feel like such a failure to.

wish i could stop doing this to myself with i could be happy

its been roughly 4 years since i started oding but the self harm started when i was really young.

trying not to give in to the thoughts im outta anyones hand past help is so hard

xxx

[Rhapsody]

I am there with you today TINKER.... here is all the LOVE that I can muster and send your way - hoping it helps....

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ((((((( LOVE ))))))) ~ (((((((( KISSES )))))))


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
VENT away, for it is the release valve to the soul - it helps to calm from with in.

[TinkerLoop]

thankyou so much helps to know sumones here and i not talking to a brick wall.

dunno doesnt feel like my feelings are valued sumtimes.

i got a really bad chest today = bad cough so guess thats getting me down to.

havent oded yet today trying my best not to but cant stop thinking of it i dont know why tho.

getting my mood swings again one minute im fine next im in tears hate them people tend to avoid me when im like this they dunno how to handle me when sumtimes i just wish they was there for a hug to say it all be ok -silly right but its the little things that make the dif

[Rhapsody]

Are you on any MEDS for the mood swings? - I ask this for the medicine is the only thing standing between me and the grave at times.
My mood swings are worse during my periods for I sufferer from PMDD as well....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[TinkerLoop]

thinking bout it my mood swings are worse when im on my period to no im not on anything for it i tend to od most then to

[Rhapsody]

Dear Tinker,

You might want to read up on PMDD a little bit more, for it is a scary disorder of our monthly periods to go through and without medicine, for suicidal tendencies are one of it main symptoms, not to mention depression and anxiety attacks.
You need to let your PCP know how you are feeling and get on some medicine for the mood swings - it will greatly help.... I use to take Sarafem, but I am on Celexa now for I have other issues to deal with as well.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[TinkerLoop]

ok i might thats hun i never thought if linking it.

then again like it all the time just worse when im on

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((((tinker))))))))))))))))))) here is a hug just for you , you deserve it ,
i cant say that i know how you are feeling as i only went through feelings like this while i was very down last year , my hubby is struggling with feelings like this at the moment down to his depression ,
please dont struggle alone
katheryn

[SeptemberMorn]

Tinker, to me it sounds like you're screaming out for help and attention. It's no wonder, with the reception you got from your parents. Obviously, you've never had the validation you've always needed.

I have NO CLUE why the Mental Health Profesion isn't recognizing your symptoms! Shame on those you've spoken to!! Maybe they're not recognizing or validating what you're telling them because they don't think you're in immediate danger.

Have you ever confronted a mental health professional clearly? Maybe you need to shout in their face "I'M SLOWLY KILLING MYSELF AND I WANT TO STOP! I NEED YOUR HELP!! NOW!!!!"

Your term,"Christadelphian," scares me. "Highly religious" doesn't sound good, either. (I'm a Christian.) That implies "perfection" to me... or what THEY think is perfection. I wonder if the professionals you've been speaking to are "Christiadelphians," too??

Hun, I think you need to clearly verbalize what you're going through. Put it in their face!

When you get through this, and I know you will, you will see that life IS worth living. For the time being, please take some responsibility for your life and do what you can about NOT od'ing. Please! Take it minute by minute if you need to, and get the help you need!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tinker}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[TinkerLoop]

its not attention seeking. it getting outta hand i dont want the attention just the help to stop.

not they arent also christadelphain im not one i run from religion due to bad experiences in it

[MisfitAmongstMisfits]

Dear Daughter,

You know how much I love you and care for you. I know things have been so very difficult for you. You are a beautifull person, with a very compassionaite heart, and you know I love you just the way you are!! Please always be good to you, and keep your head up high!! You deserve the best lfe has to offer. And "I see your true colors, and thats why I love you..." Your a true friend, and you are gonna get through this!!

Love you to bits!!

-Mommy(Jodi)

[SeptemberMorn]

Tinker, I didn't mean that you were playing an attention seeking game! No! What I'm saying is that you aren't getting the attention you NEED from your parents. When that happens, and I know how that goes, you don't learn to be clear and concise with your statements. Sometimes we're afraid to state our needs clearly.

What you told me, "it getting outta hand i dont want the attention just the help to stop" is what you need to tell the persons you seek help from.

Have you talked to your family doctor? I would think that he'd be the first to talk to. Don't leave until he understands how badly you need his help! Sometimes they won't take you seriously. Maybe they have other things on their mind. If you take his hand or hold his arm, make physical contact, look him in the eyes and say "I need your help! NOW!!" He can't help but understand and do something. If he doesn't, tell him you are not leaving until he helps you! There are some men (if your dr is a man) that don't listen to women unless they cry! It's rediculous but it's true.

You might even try asking him to do a complete blood workup. Surely that will tell the story!

Take care of YOU, Sweety. Sending you all sorts of positive vibes!

[TinkerLoop]

i went doc doc refered to chiold psych i stopped that then i went doc again docs refered me to adult mental health in hope of a psychiatrist taking me on. and thats where i at now.

im not like that i cant tell them like that cant have phsyical contact either