[rosebyanothername_]

I didn't even realise I already signed on here a bit ago, but I suppose I've always been a bit depressed, way of life and all that.. Recently however I've hit a new low.

I can't get out of bed. In fact I don't think I've left my house in more than a week. I haven't seen my friends in months, or gone out properly in longer than that. I used to be social, now I cringe at having to go out and face people. When I cancel things, it's such a weight of my shoulders - I can breathe again. I find myself reflecting instead of having fun, I can't go out without thinking what the hell I am doing there and why everyone is so happy. I don't know how to behave anymore.

I hate my family, I can't talk to them. I'm kind of ignoring right now, so I'm hardly speaking. They're a bit unsufferable, so I can justify that a bit I think. I like not speaking though, and that's scaring me. People downright depress me, and I've become quite resentful. I want to be left alone, it seems. I've become fond of this shell. Depression is something I've accepted, and the familiarity eases me, tbh!

I can't stand university. Last semester sometimes I just sat in my car and stared out blankly and would walk in late just so I could be there for as short a time as possible. I skipped like 80% of my lectures. I would cry out of nowhere. I find that I have tears at the ready, and I cry unexpectedly.

I did pass though because I'm too scared to be destructive and fail at my studies. And I would never consider anything rash either. I don't understand the options that people sometimes choose, and I could never. Such things make me cringe almost as much as the depression itself.

Sadly, I don't think I'll be going to the doctors. It's something I have to deal with myself. I don't talk to people about it, I don't think 3 people know that I get depressed regularly. I just don't know how... If only I can leave my stupid house.. but I've become too comfortable for that, and too comfortable with the depression.

Any ideas? Tell me to suck it up if you must, but please do not suger coat. I'm honestly lost here. Oh, and sorry for the long rant!

[kaliope]

It already sounds like your doing a great job sucking it up.

But the level of depression you are describing really needs professional intervention. if not a dr. can you at least find your way to a therapist. most universities have free counseling programs for their students. there you can get some coping skills on how to deal with your depression.

Hang in there. Hugs

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by rosebyanothername_

Sadly, I don't think I'll be going to the doctors. It's something I have to deal with myself.

Rose, dear, that's crazy. If you had cancer, you'd go to the doctor. If you had a toothache, you'd go to the dentist. You have depression, as you well know, and that means you have to go to a therapist and a pdoc.

And no, this isn't something you "have to deal with [your]self" Would you say that if you had a broken leg? Don't be silly. To refuse to see a therapist and a pdoc when you're in the condition you describe is just out-and-out wrong. Yes, I know you don't want to see anyone at all. I know you just want to hole up in your room and forget the whole world. Those are symptoms of a disease, the disease of depression.

You can, if you wish and if you pass your courses, keep on doing this for a number of years, like I did in college. My alma mater didn't require attendance at courses. All you had to do was show up for and pass the final exams, which I did. The rest of the time I was locked in my room. Three years. You don't want to do that! That's a RIDICULOUS waste of time! And a waste of your life!

Get yourself down to the campus therapy office and sign up for as soon an appointment as possible. Don't fuss and moan, just DO IT! There's no reason to be "lost" about this! You're sick and you need treatment! NOW! And take care.

[CantExplain]

Yeah, what Ygrec said.

[Towanda]

I agree with Ygrec. You need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Make it a goal to at least make an appt with a counselor on campus - that would be a start. I know when youre depressed talking to anyone is difficult but youve got to start somewhere to heal yourself. Hiding in your room talking to no one when there is a chance by taking some action that you could feel better is not a good choice.

I recently went through a horrible depression. Im just now starting to climb out of it. After a year off of antidepressants because of the side effects (I developed something called tardive dyskenisia) I recently had to go back on because I couldnt stand the depression any more. Got tired of feeling so bad all the time, like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

So please be good to yourself, try really hard and muster up the courage to take the steps that you need to so that you will start to feel better. Good luck!

[TerryL]

Have you thought of phone therapy? PC has some listings I believe on the home page. Not sure if insurance will cover that though. You can certainly check with your provider. I would think many therapists would not mind counseling that way. I received some of my grief therapy by phone. It was much easier to do than having to get dressed, then drive to someone's office and sit in the waiting room, especially when one just wants to hide at home where it is comfortable.