[curlydee]

people ask how i am and i avoid answering them. only my therapists fully get what's going on. i tried talking to one of my sisters and she got so upset when i started to go into how bad the depression is that i ended up comforting her. i didn't even get a chance to go into much detail. i'm afraid of burning out my therapists. i have thoughts of something bad happening to them. i'm just as scared of losing them as i am for my family.
sometimes i have no control of my thoughts - something inside me says that life is horrible - all it is is suffering. i don't see a point to life - i fight to stop the thoughts of why do i matter? why bother? i feel my life is some sort of sick joke god is playing on me. what is the point of life? i go to work to pay the bills, eager for my next vacation day. the vacation passes and i'm back at work waiting for my next vacation. it never ends! (i don't even mind work that much.) my husband keeps me from dying, but i can only take so much... i sometimes think there's something inside me that doesn't want to let go of the depression. it's almost become my identity. i just don't know what to do anymore...

[SoupDragon]

Hi, I can relate to what you write and I am sorry your depression is making things tough for you right now. I think it is hard to share with people the depth of those negative thoughts and I know how it feels to not be in control of the thoughts. I also get that bit about them being your identity. They will pass though, so don't give up. Let us know how you are doing. Soup

[depressedalaskan]

((((curlydee)))) You are not alone on anything that you said. Just wish I could pull it out of you and take it away. Ideas: Take this post into your doctor, maybe have your sister read alittle bit from a selfhelp book on depression and do as your are doing (Fighting Back)... Good luck keep posting we all here hear your cries for help.

[kaliope]

what you reveal is classic depression speaking. its comical what you say about life. in the games forum earlier today somebody questioned what the purpose of life was and my answer was "gods sick joke". not to minimize your pain, but i got a hehe over the timing of that.

all i can say is that i have been where you are. i have lived that darkness for decades. i never thought i would ever find a way out. i made attempts on my life more than once. but i never gave up. and it finally happened. i got the magic wand that made it all better. the right med, therapy at the right time and it was all gone. suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel and all that darkness is so far away. it is still hard for me to believe. i have been off antidepressants for a year now and still no sign of depression. after 30 years of misery i am amazed.

hang in there. it can get better.

[curlydee]

i had thought i was seeing the light... i moved on, got my msw, got married, even had 5 years with no hospitals. but it came back. it ALWAYS comes back! i don't know why i'm living. what is the point of it all? so yeah - maybe i'll get better - but constantly over my head i have that fear that this may be the day - the day that it all comes back AGAIN! yeah - i did enjoy doing a word search with my husband - sometimes i'm able to get lost in the moment - but then there's a quiet moment and i feel it - that pain that consumes me - that tears me apart inside - it rips thru me like nothing else can. and evey time i say to myself that this is it - that it can't possibly get wose than it is right now - yet every time it surprises me that it some how manages to hurt even more. after all these years, you'd think i wouldn't be surprised. maybe the depression is my way of protecting myself - if life already sucks - i don't have far to go if some thing else happens. less of a distance to fall.

[TerryL]

[quote=curlydee;2166738]

... i moved on, got my msw, got married, even had 5 years with no hospitals. but it came back. it ALWAYS comes back!

For me, my depression used to always come back because I had not worked out all of my issues. When I finally did, the relapses became much fewer and far between. It took a lot of work but it was worth it. So please don't stop working on getting to the root cause of your depression.

[lachlan_]

I also do not know what to do anymore. There seems to be a diminishing force of attraction to the future.

[xwalkingonstars]

I think I just read my life story. Don't worry, I completely get it. I wish no one had to feel this way, but the only thing you can really do is keep your head up and keep moving on. Trust me, at rock bottom it has to get better.