I am SO sad, all the time.

All I can think about is sad things. It doesn’t even have to be anything real or legitimate. A video of a kid losing his balloon could send me off the edge as much as a video of an old man at his wife’s funeral. SAD things are in my head 24 hours a day, whether they have anything to do with me or not.

I can’t listen to music at work, it’s too dangerous that something low key will come on and I’ll dive into a depression. I listen to stand up comedy or watch sitcoms. All day. Because I can’t just let my brain SIT or else it will do what it does.

When I am sleeping alone and my partner isn’t around, I stay up until 3 or 4 am, sometimes later, because I can’t STOP when I am alone.

I started Paxil and I gained 25 lbs. What worries me most about that is that I don’t care. I know I’ve gained weight and well-meaning friends have told me that they see it too, and when I say I’m dieting they say they are “so excited for me, and once I lose the weight I’ll have so many guys after me.” My response is **** you, **** those men, I’m going home where my cats don’t give a **** what I weigh. I really do NOT care. I want to feel better, and I know logically that I probably would if I returned to my old weight, but I just don’t have any desire to do it.

I’m in self destruct mode. For example, I picked up my birth control ring over 2 weeks ago. I haven’t put it in yet. I think about it, I know it’s there in my purse. I just won’t get up and get it. It’s almost like it used to be with food. I would KNOW I should eat, I just WON’T do it.

I haven’t thrown up a meal in years. I sometimes wish I would again, maybe I would feel something.

I do not care if I live or die. I’m not suicidal. I don’t have the energy or passion needed to kill myself. I just don’t care what happens.

No one knows. I put on a hell of a show. The few people who do know that I went on Paxil tell me that I don’t need it and I just need to “work out more, and do something fun”. I want to beat them with a stick.

They have NO idea.

I found out that I’m making $25k less than the guy working under me (and he’s under me for good reason), and my boss says he “cant” do anything about it. But I don’t have enough faith in my ability to go anywhere else.

I lost my best friend, the man who promised to be my family because he knew that my own had failed me. This was less than 60 days ago. He didn’t call me on my birthday, or to wish me a Merry Christmas, or a happy new year. I lost him because his new girlfriend got jealous of me and turned him against me. And he LET it happen.

I’m dating someone I feel no passion for. I feel comfort, I want him around because I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to have sex with him. When I do, it’s usually got something tacked on to it like, “I’ll have sex with you if you do the dishes” as ridiculous as that sounds. But I hate dishes, and I can fake it enough to get through it.

I’ve been on a few dates lately. Each one of them hasn’t called me again. I know I’m putting off a toxic vibe. They’ve all been perfectly acceptable men, but I just don’t care. They don’t impress me, and I don’t impress them. Ever.

Granted, I slept with one of them. But it was just because he was the only one who pushed it that far. I didn’t care that he didn’t call me again.

I have a beautiful home that I have carefully decorated. And it’s gone to hell. I don’t clean. I don’t do laundry. Somehow I manage to pull it together to go to work and have people tell me that I look “so cute all the time” so I must be doing enough to fake it to the rest of humanity.

I was paralyzed by my panic attacks. Paxil took them away. And it turned me into a zombie that doesn’t care about anything at all.

I was shunned by the fundamentalist church that I was raised in at 19 years of age, for not following their rules. They all still refuse to speak to me. Sometimes I look up people who I loved so much, and who raised me, and I email them, but they never write back. My childhood best friend deleted the email and blocked me.

My mother is so ****ed up herself that she refuses to so much as have lunch with me, unless her boyfriend is there. They call me on speaker phone, together, every time. It’s creepy. She’s outright attacked me for “not liking him” even though I have never said or done anything that would make her think that. She’s always had these strange delusions in her head that she works herself up over. She had serious mental issues when I was a kid. I don’t even want her in my life anymore, it’s just obligation.

My dad as a new wife, half way across the country. They live closer to her kids and grandkids. He loves me, I know that, though. I got an email from him over Christmas, so that was nice. I went there two years ago for Thanksgiving. He made a great meal and then left it on the stove and said, “Eat whenever you are hungry”. That’s just weird to me. We’re awkward together, I guess.

My brother has struggled with one mental disorder after another his whole life, and I live in constant fear, every minute of the day that I’m going to get a bad call about him. I don’t even ask him how he’s doing, because I can’t handle the answers. I want him to be ok, but I can’t help him. It dissolves any strength I have left.

My mother, my brother, my father. These are the three people that put a sinking feeling in my stomach every time I see their names in my email inbox, each for their own reasons.

I go to sleep every day thinking that I wasted another 24 hours of this short life that I have. I think about what I can do the next day to make up for it. To be extra productive, or do something extra special, so I can feel fulfilled like “everyone else”. I blink, and I’m back there again, same time, same bed, one night later, thinking the same thing.

I don’t remember what it’s like to be happy.

wow, you have a lot going on right now and a lot of what you wrote struck a nerve with me (especially the weight gain issue and the 'gee, you'll get hot guys when you're thinner part'). I think you are right in worrying about yourself right now--you can't take care of your brother and parents without taking care of yourself first. please see a therapist if you can and start with baby steps. it's so overwhelming when you have so many issues at once--I know how that is. for what it's worth, you're not alone.

Sorry you are feeling so low. I did not read your whole post as I can not concentrate that long. Gives me the willies or something. I will read more later. Weight gain is a hard one with depression as I never want to do anything. I to have gained weight but I blame my depression or me for this. Depression has taken all of my will power. It looks like it is overwhelming for you also. Try not to fall so far down, it is so hard to get back up again. Please take care of yourself first, keep getting out date or not. Try and make a to do list, a small list, get one thing done at a time. Good luck and keep posting.

Has the Paxil helped at all? Maybe talk to the doc about the level (if any) of relief you get.

When I was younger (and drinking), I went through men like water. I think it's was my personal destructive behavior, and it went on for years. Made me feel better at the moment, but like ***** afterwards. I didn't start to get better until all that stopped.

Gotta take care of #1, and that's you.