[Amoslass]

I haven't been here for ages. Seems to be a habit of mine to dissappear and then burst in when I'm in a bad way.

Some news, I have moved into emergency housing at a halfway house for people with mental illness -supposedly to help them get back on track and move on with life.

I hate it here, how is being around other people like me (and much worse than me) supposed to make me feel better? I feel worse,every day I feel worse.

I think about darkness constantly, I don't want to be here. The old fantasies of being in an accident bad enough to land me in hospital are back again. I fantasise about others causing the damage because at least my family and friends can blame the other person and it won't be my fault. Guiltless.

I am tired. My body is slowly disintegrating because of my genetic disorder. My friends seem to have abandoned me. I wish I could visit them but this halfway house is in an awkward spot so it's hard for me to visit my friends. forget about anyone visiting me, noone seemsto want to come out to the middle of nowhere - even though I make the effort for them.

I hate being angry with other people, if only I tried harder, if only I got off my bum and got a job and pretended my body and my mind weren't in constant pain. I am weak.

[Leed]

Don't beat yourself up -- you're in PAIN. Be kind to yourself. It's difficult enough when you don't feel good -- and when you're not happy where you're living, it doesn't help.

I'm sure it IS rough living in a place like that -- but I'm glad you have a place to live!!

If your friends have abandoned you, then they aren't "real" friends!! Try to make NEW friends -- you can make friends at church, at libraries, at book stores, etc. And when you start fantasizing, try to immediately think of something else -- divert your attention to something else. After awhile, you'll just stop thinking about the 'darkness.'

In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. My prayers are with you -- God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[depressedalaskan]

How long have you been there? Do you have your own room? Are you allowed to come and go? When I was in the hospital it took me a couple of days to get used to the set up but once that was over I really liked talking to people with problems. They could relate to me and I to them. I would go back if the cost was not so much. As far as the people that you say are worse off then yourself. Think how they feel, how can you help them? Understanding there needs might help you with your own. Do you have a game hour? We had one everyday. Please take care of yourself.. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

[Amoslass]

I have my own room and bathroom. I hardly ever see the other women. There's one I see a bit because she moved in the same day as me, but she is very draining - really talkative and tires me out.

I'm free to come and go as I please but I just....I need....sorry I don't know what I need.