[emoangel]

I was not sure where to post this, but here it goes:

My best friend is, suffice it to say, in a horrible relationship. She has been with this guy for 5 months, and they are already engaged. Hes horribly abusive to her in the emotional sense. She does everything for him, including taking care of his son, doing all the house work, shopping, and shes working a full time job. She suffers from depression and is new in the state where she met him, which is in KY. Hes horrible to her, tells her she has issues, laughs at her when shes crying, and he doesnt even sleep in the same bed with her at night. If she leaves the house upset and crying, he doesnt bother calling after her.

It gets much worse then that, but thats a small summary of whats going on.

The problem is, some days, she will call me up, crying, bawling her eyes out, and, the next thing day he'll do something nice for her, or say hes going to change, and she is on top of the world again. The cycle repeats, over and over again. I am her only consistent friend, and I understand that she needs to vent to someone, but its incredibly frustrating to me, because I give her advice, and she never takes it. She does not end up doing anything to better her situation. Its hard for me to believe her when she says that she is going to go get some help for her depression, or leave him. Basically its incredibly frustrating for me.

I just dont know how to handle the situation anymore. My phone rings at all hours, and I dont know what to say anymore. I dont want to abandon my friend during her time of need, but its starting to get me really upset. I am worried about her. I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up! Half the time I dont want to pick up my phone.

I am getting really worried because a few times shes made comments pertaining to suicide. I want to call her mother and tell her whats going on, but I am afraid that she is going to get mad at me. I dont want her to close off from me.

Its starting to get me really down, and really scared. I told her to get help, but she has no health insurance. I have given her some information to help her, and pointed her towards clinics, she says she'll go, but she doesnt.

How do I handle this long distance dilemma?

emo

I have been a shoulder for my friends but with some I have had to put up a boundry or two. suicide is one of them. Basically it came down to me figuring out what I am capable of. having someone call me saying they are going to kill themselff and the if they carried through with that thread was I strong enough to live the rest of my life knowing that person had called me right before they dide and I was unable to do anything. The answer is no. I would not be able to life out my life like that. I also had to evaluate the situation -is this a person who repeatedly cries suicide and then is fine repeats. for me when a friend did that to me it said they learned to use suicide as a way to get my attention not because they were really looking for help. So I flat out told those friends that if in a highly suicidal state I would stay with them long enough for emergency servicies got there because in highly suicidal frames of mind they need therapist not me. In other friends I told them flat out don't call me if you are suicidal because I will hang up on you (this was when the friend was manipulating me with suicidal threats. when she couldnt get me by phone she sent her husband to the college and got me out of class. I followed through by telling her if shes going to take the pills go ahead I had a class to go to I wanst her marriage therapist. Then I used her phone and called her therapist and told the on call people to let her therapist know she was threatening suicide and I was going to call her every time she did that and then go back to my life of what I needed to get dont in that case get back to class. That person of course didn't take the pills and she never threatened me with suicide again)

Basically you need to decide how much you can be there for her and how and then sit down with her and explain your boundries around what you have decided that you can do for her.

I can tell you this cycle of abuse, make up, abuse, make up is typical of domestic violence and there nothing you can do until she hits rock bottom and decides enough. Unfortunately that rock bottom often come with a very costly price of some lasting physical harm or death. from the first abuse and make up situation she has been programmed and has accepted this is her life. Until something breaks through that its going to keep happening. Some city and states have a domestic violence law that if police are called for domestic violence during the act they automatically arrest the abuser. Sometimes therapy is mandated. So you might want to try the next time she calls if during the act, calling the poice in her area.

[JustBen]

Myself is right on about boundaries. Unless the other person knows what they are, she is going to keep riding roughshod all over them. And, of course, she won't know those boundaries until you figure them out and explain them to her. Right now, she knows she gets the shoulder to cry on with no expectations or consequences. It's up to you to figure out what your expectations are and what the consequences should be if they aren't met. Some people will decide to deliver an ultimatum ("Either you get some professional help for this or I won't take your calls anymore...") and others will offer no consequences at all, they'll just keep on doing what they're doing. Some people decide on something in between. It's a tough sitaution and I don't envy you. You're just going to have to find a set of boundaries you can live with.

decide where your "line" is and define it to your friend. she needs a T and you cannot be that for her. i know that you're torn, but you'll be down soon....if you don't protect yourself. good luck, pat

[Lexicon78]

I think it's time you set some boundaries with her and have a long talk with her. Tell her what your boundaries are and stick with them. Also I would suggest telling her how things are.

I'm not one for giving ultimatims, but it sounds like she isn't gonna benefit from anything else. Tell her you can't keep doing this with her and that you refuse to be ignored.

You are putting more into this woman than she's putting into her own life. It needs to stop before you go insane! She has to do this for herself and you cannot do any more for her. Like they say, the ball is in her court now.

You need to be firm with her.

[(JD)]

This sounds like a toxic relationship. Give her good advice once and for all... if she doesn't follow up on any of it, then you have to end the relationship in your own best interest. (There are places she can get help, even help to get out of her situation.) At the very least she needs a professional as a T, not a friend.

If you don't feel you can do this, for yourself, then you must put parameters on the friendship... she can only call during such and such hours, any threatening of ending it (rather than leaving the relationship) will garner a call by you to her local police... etc. Maybe once she finds out you won't just listen to her moaning, she'll quit calling.

You have to take care of yourself. If you are unable to end this, for now at least, consider therapy for yourself for enabling behavior. Take care of you first!

[emoangel]

Well, some good news.

She called me again, and she told me that she was really depressed and physically sick, and that she was laying in a closet crying...she hung up soon after that, and i didnt think much of it because I am just tired of it and i think shes being a bit melo-dramatic.

Theres no mistake that she needs help, which is why im pleased to announce that when she called today, she told me she was at the emergency room because she needed help ASAP, and she was waiting to talk to a psychiatrist. So, hopefully she will get what she needs! I am so so so hoping that this will be the case, because, if not, im gonna scream!!!!

xo

emo