[kite_helen]

Hi all,

I am unemployed since 8 months.
I am a very qualified person and an experienced engineer.

Since 8 months I have applied may be 500 times for a job via online career websites and almost none of them replied positively. (Only 3 called me for a meeting than said simply thank you!)


I am not sleeping good and enough for eight months.


My country is such a country that if you are an engineer or have a spesific brunch like mine, it is not very easy to find a job in a different area. I mean you do not have many options like in the US.

The global economical crisis also affect my country too is another problem.

I am 44 years old and there is an age discrimination here as well.

You can see in all job adverts that says " not over than 30 or 35" !

I have tried to change my subject and get some cheap courses for a different area and tried to applied that kind of jobs but no result!

My 2 brothers are also engineers and both are unemployed too!
(Younger one for 2 years!)

I can be good in lots of things but I have always been bad in money things. I am a shopaholic. I always spend more than I earn. That's why I get loaned credit to clean all my credit cards and than continued to spend by credit cards! Than I got new and bigger amount of credit (I know I am very clever) and now its so big that I can not even pay monthly instalments.
My mother (and father) does not know about the bank credit of mine!
Once she said to me that if she hear about even €1 I debt, she woud kill herself!
(I know she can do that because she paid my ...3 times in past and I promised her not to do it again! Anyway, even they learn about it, they have no money to pay it!)

Hey!
Don't get me wrong! I am not going to ask for money

I am writing this to explain the situation I am in.

I ve been paying the instalments since 8 months via unemployment insurance but the payment is finished now !

I live with my mom, dad and younger brother.
4 of us are unemployed and at home all the time! (Which can be very bad and annoying sometimes)

Since the day I was unemployed all my friends stopped calling me or writing me.
I do not understand why?
I always call them, ask how they are, if there is something I can help, I help...
I do not know why they are doing this!

I have erased many of them from my life now.

I can see that they are not real friends!

I am a very sensitive person.
I can not stand their careless about me I feel so sorry

I got divorced 7 years ago with a very tragedical end.

I have not been with a real man since than.
I have tried 2 times some years ago but one of them was an active alcoholic and the other was a physco!

It's been 1 year now that I have not had sex.

Now I feel like I am the loneliest person in the world.

No money, no friend, no lover, no sex, no job and no hope ((

Do you know Maslow’s theory of hierarchy of needs?
So, I am in the basement!
Not very humanish huh?

My psychology is getting worse every single day.

I can see that I am having a depression.
But I have no money to go for a doctor. (I don't want it anyway)
In state hospitals doctors can not spare time fort he patients not more than 10 minutes!
In this 10 (max) minutes they only ask “how do you feel? Do you use your drugs regularly, do you sleep, do you eat? “etc…That’s it!

Years and years I have read a lot about psychology, philosophy
I have tried every kind of self help, personal development **** and alternative methods like positive thinking, NLP, EFT, hypnosis, regretion therapy etc..together with real medical help.

Nothing! None! Ziltch! Zero!

Since 25 years when I get a job, find a man, hire a flat and put things in order, it does not last much!
Max 1 year later everything in my life downs and I go back to my mother's house with nothing.!!!

I am always accusing and critisizing myself first.
Try to see where did I do wrong? What was my fault? Etc...Then I try to fix it or work on it.
I think I failed in this too as it is obvious.

I am a deist.
I used to be an alcoholic but it's been 5 year that I stopped. I am all sober for 5 years, thanks God.

Nowadays I am reading about religion and God.
Because, I want to find an answer why all this happenning to me/us all the time?
Can I change it or is this my inevitable fate?
If this is fate, is this MY FATE or my MOM'S and DAD'S FATE?

Because my 2 brothers having the SAME FATE interestingly!

Can fate be changed?
With pray? Why God don't hear my prays and don't see my tears?
And my mom's?

I do not believe the **** that says “all this is an examination” ! Noo!
If it was, I should have been passed all

I see around some unqualified, uneducated or even sometimes bad and evil people having a good life, look happy (I see some are really happy no fake) and earning good money!
In twitter here you can see lots of moron blondes who publish their nude photos and hundred of thousands people are following her and she earns huge money!
But I can not find even a ****ing job!!!
Where is the justice?
Is there any justice in the world?
No? Don't you think there should be?
Yes?
Who is going to establish the justice?
What is fortune? Is there?
If there is where is mine?

Please do not tell met hat I should feel lucky that I am healthy and have a family.

I am not very healthy. I have very strange ilnesses even not heard in my country!( It’s called Superior Canal Dehiscence)
I have cervical discal hernia.
I have spinal disc herniation.
I have extreme mucle tension in all my body.
I always have pain on my knees.
I have myomas.
I have a huge public speaking phobia which effects my job 
Masochist tendencies like liking (or arousing) by being heavily humiliated  (I am not ugly at all, most men say I am attractive…but again…)
And I have of course have a major depression.

I feel like I am trapped all around.
I do not know where to go.
Whereever I want to go, whatever I try there are always some barriers for me !!!

I WANT TO DIE!
I CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!
LIFE IS SO MEANINGLESS TO ME.
I CAN NOT HELP TO DO SOMETHING!

Believe it or not I tried a lot.
I tried every way.
But walls all around me
Since 1 year as soon as I wake up, I say a motto : “Thanks God, I am alive, I am healthy, I am sober” !
So???

So, dying is the best solution for me I thınk.
(I tried this before 2 times!)

People say some **** to me like;

Be positive! It will change…It will pass..(It does not ? Sometimes it seems it does, but it repeats again!)
You are lucky, you are alive! (Is this being alive? Is really this?)

Tell your family and ask for help (No way! My mom and dad would die! Period.)

Try to start over with a new job. (I already tried! No result!)

Get in love ! (??? Oh yeah! I ordered to the universe for my dream man but it’s been years and he has not show up! I think he is busy!)

Go to a doctor. (Simply I can not! It costs €130 for 1 hour which is extremely expensive for me! I was earning € 865 before I furloughed. Now I earn 0!)

Ask for loaning money from a friend. (Do I have a friend? No, thanks.)

Be social! Go out with friends. (What friends?)

Find a hobby .(I have. Does not help very much nowadays. )
Go for a walk and listen to the music of bird’s s singing. Enjoy the sun, the sea, the light…Bla, bla, bla…(When you are depressed you do not think like that. Simply, you can not see the joy, the beauty of life. This is whay it is called depression! I even do not want to have a shower! What birds?)

A paragraph that I found fron internet about Depression :

These illnesses are different from ordinary blues - which are normal feelings
that eventually pass.
Depressive illnesses last for months or years with varying patterns.
A person with a depressive illness cannot talk themselves into feeling good.
They cannot snap themselves out of it. Suffering or not suffering
from these illnesses does not have anything to do with a person's
willpower. Many times, society assumes a person suffering from depression
is just lazy, or lacks motivation to get his or her life together. One
might be labeled as simply having a behavior problem. This simply is not
true.

I do not know if anybody reads this looooong writing of mine.

I would like to say SORRY if I bother you…(These can be tuff for somes.)

I wish you all a good life (Not like mines…)

Kite

[Nams]

Letting you know I did read it....(((kite ))) there is not really much I can say that will help you, I suck at advice.....but wanted to let you know that this was read. There are so many great people on here that can and will offer great advice.

Hope your day is better today.
Nams

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Kite_helen!

Originally Posted by kite_helen

A person with a depressive illness cannot talk themselves into feeling good.

This is my experience, too.

Engineers! How I wish there were an easy way to get you and your brothers to where you are needed. It is most unfortunate your talents are unused. And that is not all: divorce, loss of friends, debts, physical ailments, more. Depression would be difficult all by itself, but you confront all these other problems along with it.

I am very impressed you have been able to defeat alcoholism!

Kite_helen, from what you have written it appears you have made significant efforts to deal with depression, and you know the limits of what is realistically available to you. At the very least, here you can talk freely without people thinking you are weak.

Please, keep posting when you can.

[lynn P.]

So sorry you're in a bad way and please don't end your life, due to bad circumstances or any other reason. Take it one step at a time. First - take any job even if its out of your field and encourage you brothers to do the same. Next - you admit you're a shopaholic therefore you need psychological counseling ...along with financial counseling to stop this unnecessary spending of money. You need to get to the root of why you spend recklessly. Can you apply for bankruptcy in your country??

[feary]

everything will be fine and great things will happen to you very soon, kite_helen...
all the best.