at the end of my tread

have yet to post all thats wrong with me, because it would take a book. anyway, still have not stopped crying unless im asleep. being poor sucks. i depend on free medical and medications. am out of celexa. have a new script for higher dose than im used to but they are taking their sweet time. all i do now days is clean inside house and soon it will be the lawn care too. i try to escape through video games, music, internet, and this forum. but am in so much pain mentally and physically i am really at the end of whatever. in the morning its not to bad. the suicidal thoughts are easy to push thru, but as the day goes by they get more frequent and it gets to the point where its everyother thought. i have but 2 things that keep me from going thru with it, one is a dream, a goal that is within reach it really is. the other is my kids. the problem is the kids are young 8 and 10 and would recover and as of right now my ex wife isnt getting any financial help. if i was gone social security would have to help. my kids would be better off atleast for right now. i know, its just for right now, but what about in the future. i know. that maybe what keeps me from ending it all. just so close, more than you know. so close its almost like i have already done it in a way. so close. sorry using this as a journal. that way i can get help and advise. journals dont do that do they. sorry so long. and ill be ok.

If you take your life then it is a possibility that your children and anyone of the other people who would learn of it might consider it as an option.Life can be so hard to get through,I know,believe me.But,it seems like life also has periods of getting better.Sometimes it makes me feel good to get busy with things that distract me from focusing on myself.Art,comedy,taking walks,visiting people who are lonely,tidying my environment.Finding things that you can do to spend time with your kids may be enjoyable too.I feel better if I have showered early in the morning,and started my day with enjoying outdoors,or comedy.Somehow it helps me personally.It is so much easier to lay in bed with the sadness,and skip showers and meals,and not leave the house,I know,but,it really makes it worse.I find that life fluctuates...bad to good...I try to remind myself to look for the good,and try to surf the bad,distracting myself while it's bad.I hope you feel better.

Sorry I can't help with any real wisdom, but I can offer hugz and an ear hope it helps even a little.
Nams

good advice from wolfsong. please hang in there. your kids need you more than they need social security. also they are learning not to give up if you keep going. there is no question it is very hard but you will look back on it someday and be proud that you did it.