[doggiedo]

I spent this weekend getting over a cold and I feel better in regards to that. But, I also feel worse, emotionally. I spent yesterday afternoon through this afternoon with my b/f and his teenage kids. Now I'm home and feeling lonely.

I tried to identify my feelings and why I was sad. When it comes down to it, I am feeling: lonely, sad, like I'm alienated in my own apartment.

I wonder if I will ever be happy.
I wonder what my life means in the great big scheme of things.
I wonder what my future holds and where I will be.
I wonder why I hate myself and yet have such compassion for other people.
I wonder why I feel like I live my life doing things for other people.

I am not suicidal, so please don't interpret what I'm saying in that way...I just sometimes think that I'm just a small fish in a big world and it doesn't really matter in the great big scheme of things.

I should get up off my butt and go to the gym (in my apartment complex) and work out. I figured the endorphines would do me good. I just want to go to bed and cry...I wish it were later than it is now. I just wish this week would go by already.

[Suki22]

oh, doggiedo, I'm so sorry you're down. a lot of what you wrote really spoke to me; I've wondered the same things this weekend (minus the b/f). sometimes life feels so pointless. I am by myself far too much and it's easy to sit and ponder the big picture. are others so distracted by their busy lives that they don't worry about these things?

it's great that you have a boyfriend and his kids distract you for a little bit. I'm also glad you're feeling better. I was sick a couple weekends ago and posted here and some kind soul reminded me that when you're physically down, your emotions seem to follow. you're probably not back to 100% physically and emotionally so please be kind to yourself. things will get better. oh, and if you figure out the answers to those questions, please email them to me immediately!

take care.

[doggiedo]

Thanks for the support. Sometimes I wish that my brain didn't even think about questions like this. ha, I doubt I'll find the answers, but will let you know if I figure something out or have a moment of epiphany!

Today was somewhat of a better day. Work occupied me and I got some stuff done. My parents called to to see if I wanted to meet up for dinner. Kinda just don't feel like doing much of anything. I did walk the dog after work, went to the post office, and dropped some stuff off at the dry cleaners.

[Suki22]

that's great that you got out! I'm sure your doggie appreciated the walk.

thank god for work (did I just say that?!) because I get to have interesting interactions with very cool people when I'm there and it's a bit of a distraction. I still find myself preoccupied with all of those big questions when I'm there but it's not as much as when I'm home alone. it's just feels like such a drag to get myself there every day--it doesn't make sense.

I'm seeing my p-nurse tomorrow. I'll ask her if she knows the answers to our questions.

[Tinkerbell08]

Hey you are not alone! We all have days like this! Especially the alienating!!!
Hugs and hope you feel better

[Oceann]

I definitely can identify with the lonely feeling. Sometimes it just amazes me to think about how I am so close to losing it or dying and no one knows or even remotely cares because they don't WANT to know. So I try to identify with people who get it, even if that's people I'll never meet. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and hang in there.