[Sabrina]

I caught my son red-handed at about 6.30 this morning, with a jelly sweet he "pinched" from the fridge. When he saw me he immediately tried to hide it but I could see he was up to something. I reached for his hand and the empty packet was there. He instantly started saying "I was naughty, I'm sorry Mom". He started crying and tried to hug me. He kept saying sorry but I just sent him to his room. He left for school a short while later and I was just too shocked to punish him. Will it be too late to punish him when he gets home from school? I am thinking of taking away all his after dinner treats for the rest of the week.

I know children do stuff like this. I know I did as a kid. But I still feel so hurt by it. I really do. It was dishonest, a form of lying and stealing. I don't know how to accept his apology without him thinking 'cool, that is that!'

My son uses the word sorry too easily. He thinks it will get him off the hook and then he can just do it again.

I can't believe an 8 year old has me feeling so betrayed. It was just a jelly sweet.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I do not think I would punish a kid for being hungry and why IS he afraid of you? I do not think I would have ever thought to be afraid of my mom for eating food....sweets or not. I would try to find out why he felt he needed to lie to you...Maybe family therapy would help. I find this rather sad

[brianm101]

Hi Sabrina.
I have 7 kids and I am still trying to learn how to deal with this. My suggestion would be to stick to my guns. Nip it in the butt. I have had a problem with this for years. Sometimes I think that it is my fault the my child lies but then I remember when I was a kid.
Don't take away the after dinner treat but make your son talk to you about it. It will help because most kids don't EVER want to dissapoint their parents.
Just my thoughts.

[(JD)]

Hmm imo a good sit down talk might help. Have pen and paper or even a posterboard handy at the table... talk (semi-adultly) with him, discuss the various "rules" you have, and then agree upon the consequences.

Hopefully he will contribute and talk openly with you. This way, when he does something "wrong" it isn't YOU who is doing the enforcement, but the 'agreement.' This way he knows the rules, and he knows the punishment... and it helps you hold to good discipline also.

BTW try to give reward/praise for the good things he does in his daily routine, that will help him receive your support and attention and encourage him to do more "right."

[Sabrina]

He was not hungry. He had already eaten breakfast. I doubt that he is afraid of ME. I would rather think he was afraid because he knew his action was wrong! And that means he has concience and that means I am doing something right as a parent.
I am liberal with him and he has the right to take food whenever he wants. But there are rules in our house and one of them is no sweets before lunch time. He broke a rule - another reason why he felt he had to lie.
I feel like I need to defend my actions here. I didn't do anything wrong. My son did!
Thank you for your response

[Sabrina]

Thank you Brian. I have re-considered taking away the after dinner treat as punishment. In fact - I am not going to punish him. I think that he knows he has disappointed me is punishment enough.

[Sabrina]

I really like this advise and will start today when I chat with him.

Thank you so much Sky.

[(JD)]

Another thought on that? He wants you to discipline him, and will continue breaking rules until you do. It's one way a child "knows" you care. Do try not to get emotional when correcting him, but put your foot down.

He may need more attention, and will do anything (even bad) to get that from you. It doesn't mean you aren't giving him plenty, some children need "more."

What do you think?

[Sabrina]

This is possible and probable. I do not understand why as we have a very close and loving relationship despite our obstacles. The only thing is he really didn't want me to know. It was bad timing that I caught / found him. But what you have just said certainly makes sense in some other areas not related to this incident.
I am going to open a little "agreement book" so that we can communicate together and add to it as it may be necessary. Thanks again for wonderful advice.

[LittleMilly]

well i'm a kid so it might help that sometimes kid get scared that their parents will yell at them (mine do way to much that i am actually literally dettached from them) kids never want to dissapoint their parents...
and maybe he is suffering in side from something that could have happened at school
talk to him... dont punish him but respect him even though he should repsect him... if you yell at him it will make in vulnerable

milly

[Sabrina]

Thank you milly - no, I won't yell at him for it won't achieve anything at all. He will simply zone me out. What happened isn't something that can be changed or bettered by yelling anyway. As far as punishment is concerned, as I first started this thread I was still feeling that *his action* ought to be punished. With valuable advice received here I have no wish to punish him now. I am glad I spoke about it and that I was able to look at it from other angles. An overreaction from my part was the last thing I wanted.
Thanks again milly.

[radio_flyer]

Gosh, he is only 8. How many times have you snuck a snack when nobody was looking? And would that be considered stealing from the "family kitchen"???

Snacks and food were never an issue in our home. And I never thought of it as "stealing" when the kids raided the refrig or pantry. We had a family friendly kitchen.

[Sabrina]

Yes, perhaps I should rephrase about stealing. It is a bit harsh and snuck a snack is much better. But I say again, that the rule that was broken is the issue, not the food. I would not like anyone to think that my poor child is limited in the kitchen. He has free reign and is allowed to eat anything he wants, when he wants, as long as he abides by certain rules. (Such as no sweets before lunch, which is a good rule imo).

I have not done anything wrong to my son and I don't like the feeling that I need to defend myself.

When my son was home from foster care he started doing this. When I discussed it with our family therapist she told me that when children do this punishing them for it and trying to enforce them not eating the sweet stuff only results in them doing it more and can cause eating disorders because the child starts hiding it and binging on it and then trying to throw it up because they did something bad.

She said the best approach when this happens is allow the child to help plan the meals for the week. Basically sit down and write the food groups down and have them pick something from each food group per meal that they are allowed to plan. Include in that plan sweets, that way the child sees there is going to be the favorite items but nutrician comes first. Hang the childs "menu" for the meal(s) he planned for the week.

Then have the child go shopping and help pick up the things, this way the child knows shopping means going by the shopping list that way he knows what is being bought and for what so he doesn't feel he has to hide and binge to get fed. Then at home have the child help put groceries away. In the process mention here's the (sweet) for this or for that.

The only consequence for getting into the sweets was a natural consequence of not having that sweet - not as in forbidded but as in we only bought what was planned and if it got ate before that planned meal then sorry its gone. you ate it on this day so now you have to wait until this day when we sit down and you plan what you want next week.

The first time we did this my son had a great time planning buying and eating ahead of his plan. But the day came and he went to help cook his planned menu and realized uh oh no sweets because he already at it. and there was no more until the day when he got to plan the next weeks meals with me.( Our day to plan menu(s) was saturday mornings).

That natural consequence got him. He did not like it. He had only himself to answer to for his misbehavior because he chose what day to have that sweet and did not follow through with waiting so he was out of luck when the day came.

The second time he planned a menu and sweet he would go to eat it then look at his posted menu and put it back on his own and X'ed of days on the callendar counting down when he could allow himself to eat it.

That plan stopped his gorging on sweets and he was learning how to choose nutricious meals and what it cost to buy that food. AND I did not have to be the one to come up with consequences for his misbehavior. he got what was naturally coming to him, with out a battle.

You've done nothing wrong, hun! Rules have to be set in a home... To not eat snacks whenever the craving sets in, is an important rule.

[radio_flyer]

Each household has their rules and if that is one of your rules you need to stick by them.........

I didn't have any "rules" for food or snacks. Maybe it is the type of snacks I bought. I would buy fruit roll-ups or fruit gummy bears and lots of fresh fruit. Ice cream bars and popcicles. "Sometimes" I'd bake cookies, pies or cakes. So I thought most of the snacks as healthy snacks and never thought much of when they were eaten....

[praxis]

Your rule is perfectly reasonable and it promotes healthy eating. I think if I were you I would withhold sweets for the rest of today, not all week. Not as punishment, just the logical consequence- he has already had his treat this morning. It is gone. Tomorrow is a fresh start. Any way, that's my 2c. What everdecision you make, stick with it and don't second guess youself. There isn't just one "correct" way to handle this situation.

[Sabrina]

Thank you for your understanding Praxis. I have answered you in more detail via PM.

[desirae]

My babies are quite young, and I don't have anything like that going on because they can't even really talk yet, but I do discipline when necessary.

I read and researched alot about discipline when I was pregnant, and I read that if you don't discipline the child immediately for those actions, then the entire point is lost.....what I would personally do is have a good talk to him, tell him that what he did was wrong and why, and tell him that it bothered you. Then I would make him do something, like write a short essay on why you should not steal and be sneaky with food from the refrigerator. Something in that area, cleverness is the secret. I think making the child think long and hard has more of an impact then taking a snack...imo of course.

All parents have these dilemma's don't feel bad.

[Fuzzybear]

sending hugs and comforting wishes (((((((( Sabrina ))))))))

[Eva1nder]

Hi Sabrina...

Raising kids... you'll get a lot of advice in this department huh.

I understand though how you feel. He did something knowing he shouldn't have and threw around the "sorry" as if it doesn't mean anything.

My son started to do that. Would easily say sorry and then onto asking for something. He blatently didn't mean his sorry and that would be frustrating.

I agree with what desirea said about reprimanding and punishment on the spot or it's lost, but also at 8 there is only so many seconds they are listening to what you have to say.

The more you go on and on ... they are tuning you out. It's natural. A child doesn't really have the capacity to or the want to hear when a parent is so disappointed and angry for a great length of time.

One trick I learned when i really wanted him to hear what I had to say ... I'd say it really low and firmly.

I have rules such as yours and I don't deny my son at all. He is not allowed to go in and eat whatever he wants. He has to ask.

He would eat whatever...whenever and as much as he wanted. Not really making the best choices. It's just the way it is and I have to be especially careful because he has a heart condition and many other health issues.

I try to make decisions that are going to be best for my son as I'm sure you and most parent try to do.

You as a parent are trying to do the best you can and you can tell you love your son very much and you want to do the right thing.

It's good you can vent here and let it out.

That's my 2cents too.

I hope you are feeling better.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am a firm believer that nobody makes anyone feel anything..You seem...SEEM.. by your post and the word steal and betrayed to have reacted to this more from you than what he did or this one or that one posted. Can you maybe see that ? Kids break rules all the time and yes they need limits and rules but I am reading you took this really really hard and thats why I am wondering why and asked you to look at that as well as WHY he is stealing food at 6:30 A.M Maybe the kid is diabetic or something..Anyhow I am glad he isnt going to be punished but I still hope you get family therapy so these things do not keep up and HURT you as you posted

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sabrina0805 said:
I caught my son red-handed at about 6.30 this morning, with a jelly sweet he "pinched" from the fridge. When he saw me he immediately tried to hide it but I could see he was up to something. I reached for his hand and the empty packet was there. He instantly started saying "I was naughty, I'm sorry Mom". He started crying and tried to hug me. He kept saying sorry but I just sent him to his room. He left for school a short while later and I was just too shocked to punish him. Will it be too late to punish him when he gets home from school? I am thinking of taking away all his after dinner treats for the rest of the week.

I know children do stuff like this. I know I did as a kid. But I still feel so hurt by it. I really do. It was dishonest, a form of lying and stealing. I don't know how to accept his apology without him thinking 'cool, that is that!'

My son uses the word sorry too easily. He thinks it will get him off the hook and then he can just do it again.

I can't believe an 8 year old has me feeling so betrayed. It was just a jelly sweet.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Sabrina]

Thank you for your kind words. I needed them!

[Sabrina]

I mentioned a few posts back that the word steal was harsh. I regret the use of that word. I posted about this whole thing very soon after it had happened hence my emotion and overreaction. So yes, to answer your question. I can see that.

What happened has been constructively discussed at home and both my son and I have made peace with the situation.

I am also trying to make peace with my overreaction. Whatever the reasons are that I felt so hurt are my own after all and have nothing to do with my son.

My son is perfectly healthy. What he did was simple. He wanted the sweet and didn't want to wait. So despite being early, he took it. It has nothing to do with diabetes, being underfed, being hungry or any other such thing.

This is a normal thing that happens to families everywhere. I am sure many other mothers are also guilty of overreacting to things kids do. Family therapy is not required.

I thank everybody for their support on this however I am starting to regret that I ever posted this.

I consider this thread closed.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Don't regret it people care and there is no shame in family therapy..but I am glad you worked it out with him and are feeling much better today