[recentlydeceased]

i fell in love with a girl. i've been feeling depressed for 8-9 months now. my doctors appointment is next week. i simply feel sad and empty. i don't want to sleep because i see disturbing dreams. i've lost some weight. i used to think i was "okay" but now i have no self-esteem. people around me tell me i look horrible, they ask what was going on but i can't answer. sometimes i explain how i feel and no one takes it serious, they tell me "don't worry that much" "well i wouldn't telling you this would i moron?". the more i tell, more depressed i feel.
i think im addicted to this feeling. i don't want to get well but i don't want to live like this either because whenever i feel happy, i feel like im betraying the one i love eventhough she rejected me.
i'm 17 years old. i have no ideas what im going to do in the future. my parents expect me to be successful. they want me to become a lawyer (i know i can find a job in a nice company) but im interested in cinema (i know i won't find a job if i study that)
my grades fell in school, everyone seems dissappointed in me.
i cry every night when i go to bed and wish i won't wake up. but yet i wake up and curse, look at the mirror and say "why do i deserve this?"

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Recentlydeceased!

Originally Posted by recentlydeceased

i've been feeling depressed for 8-9 months now. my doctors appointment is next week. i simply feel sad and empty. i don't want to sleep because i see disturbing dreams. i've lost some weight.

That is a long time to be feeling that way. Yes, please tell your doctor what you are experiencing and how long it has been going on. The rejection you experienced may only be part of the story.

Originally Posted by recentlydeceased

sometimes i explain how i feel and no one takes it serious, they tell me "don't worry that much" . . . the more i tell, more depressed i feel.

Unfortunately, many people cannot appreciate what depression really is. On top of everything, you are under pressure from your family. It can be very difficult to recover when you have multiple stresses.

I hope you are able to get everything out with your doctor. Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

[LookingforCalm]

Most people do not understand depression. I have a friend that doesn't get it either, and it gets frustrating sometimes having to explain what it's like. Most people think you can just "get over it", but those of us who know - well, we know it's not like that.

I imagine that being as young as you are, you are feeding on this in different ways - both good and bad. However, since you've been so down for so long, I would suggest you talk to your doctor about treatment and therapy. Eight to nine months is a long time to be feeling so low. I really think it's time you reached out and got the help you need. I think that by doing this that you will feel the confidence to do what you want, and achieve your dreams.

Take care of yourself!

[lunablossom*]

I'm happy to hear you've decided to see a doctor, your symptoms are pretty bad I hope it turns out ok for you. And I can relate with your confusion over not wanting to get well but not wanting to be happy. I'm the same way I like the feeling of being sad..? It doesn't make sense but I write better, my drawings and paintings are more creative in a dark way. I'm also in high school Oh and I'm sure you can be whatever it is you want but for the mean time you should focas on getting better. Even if your not sure about your feelings for it, the weight loss and no sleep is harming your body. The thing about telling people is that sometimes they don't wanna see whats infront of them, I happy you tried opening up to them. One step at a time right? If you don't wanna tell people because your afraid of what they might say or theyre just isn't someone there to listen at the time; write it down. Or express it in some way so it's not stuck in your head. Even though you don't feel positive now I hope you'll wake up telling yourself something different. I'm a rather sarcastic person; when ever I wake up I look in the mirror and tell myself hey you never know, you might feel like living today. Please keep posting I'd love to hear about how your appointment goes.

[recentlydeceased]

thanks for the support. i didn't think writing would help but it actually helped when there are people around who can understand what i feel. yes, 8 months is a long time but it has ups and downs. this started in summer, i felt a little better in october but started again in november. i wanted to go to a doctor in december but i didn't take it seriously when everyone were telling me i'd get over it but i think it's time. as my grades fall, my parents pressure is increasing.

I imagine that being as young as you are, you are feeding on this in different ways - both good and bad.

yes, i'm feeling like i've grown up. i had some time to get to know myself very well.

[recentlydeceased]

do you ever feel like you want to be invisible? sometimes i hate people talking to me or even my bestfriend talking to me, i want to avoid them. i want to leave my friends, my parents, my stuff behind and go to an isolated place where i could be just by myself for a couple of weeks or months maybe. do you think it is okay to feel this way?

[likewater]

I think it' s called wanting to isolate. I actually do this to an extent sometimes. It' s like i " fall off the face of the earth" my friends say. I' m told it is not healthy

[likewater]

I mean any feeling is valid and ok, but maybe it's not healthy to actually isolate yourself

[recentlydeceased]

today, i went my psychiatrist for the first time. he recommended me a therapist. he gave me meds for my social anxiety. he said he would normally give me antidepressants but he said if i start taking them now, i'd have to take it for 3 months. he told me this is the beginning of depression. i will go to therapy for 6 weeks and see him again later