New Member, Intro to me

Hello,

I am a 22 year old male from the Central Florida area currently attending UCF with a major in history. I have no major traumas that occurred prior to my diagnosis with mental illnesses and have a very loving and supportive family that includes my mom, dad, and older sister. My family on my mom's side has been filled with the "older" forms of anxiety disorders, including my mom who has always been subject to anxiety and depression issues but never nearly deep enough to warrant mental health help. What I meant by "older" anxiety disorders is my grandmother was a very old school woman who relied 100% on her husband to take care of her. Even then she had trouble dealing with stresses of every day life and her "treatment" was cigarettes and anger. My mom had a mildly rough childhood because of this but again nothing that warrants major investigation. Now back to me.

At 16 and 17 years old in High School I began dealing with very mild anxiety with no obvious cause. It was more of that shifting in your seat anxiety one might get during a test, but it wasn't during tests but just random times. I ignored it because it wasn't that bad at all, and I was a kid. I lived at home for my first 2.5 years of college, and during that time the anxiety heightened to the point where I expressed it to my parents and went to see our GP. He recommended zoloft 100mg once a day and buspar (i forget the dose). So i went on the drugs and to be honest it helped, the zoloft especially. The buspar i discontinued 2 weeks after starting due to mild dizziness and my own personal anti-medication thought process. Fast forward about a year, being the genius 19 year old we all are at that age I stopped my zoloft cold turkey because I am too smart and strong for that stuff. Guess what happened? Anxiety came back, a little worse than before. GP saw me two weeks later and said start the meds again dummy. (Hes a real nice guy and likes to joke, going to him always gives me a temporary feel better time) So back on zoloft 100mg a day, anxiety fades away almost completely. Year later, im 20 and more of a genius than 19 obviously. Stopped zoloft cold turkey again. Shocker- Anxiety came back harder than before. Same story as last time, back on the meds, feel better. When I turned 21 I decided to do it correctly and taper off. To do this I alerted my doctor to my wish to get off, and I started seeing my current therapist. I am a big believer in therapy, not so much in the emotional sense but in the scientific sense. I feel therapy should be our FIRST but not only, treatment plan for mental illness. So I tapered off the zoloft with the help of my GP, therapist, and a psychiatrists office.

Let me say here that the psychiatrists office I went to 5 times, saw 4 different nurses, not one doctor, and came out with a different prescription all 5 times. More on that in a moment. I tapered off zoloft fairly well and began to live my life the way I thought it was supposed to be, generally blah with occasional happiness. I didn't even realize at the time that life isn't supposed to be blah. Blah turned into sad, and sad turned into depression. I like this forum because I feel I don't need to type out what depression is, unlike other times when you are trying to explain it and all people think is- you are sad. Sad isn't bad, hopeless and helpless is depression folks. Anywho that brilliant psychiatrists office puts me on Prozac 10mg. Within 4 days of taking it I was suicidal and called a suicide hotline. They were pretty nice and had good intentions, but their advice would change my life forever.

I was now in a full fledged Major Depressive Episode with Panic attacks topping off the feelings of despair. I voluntary checked in to a local emergency mental health facility and in the 24 hours I was there I have never been so hopeless, helpless, and ashamed to be part of the human race. The place was only worried about two things, you take your meds and you stay quiet. I am what my therapist calls a "supremely self aware individual", whatever that means. Using this "talent" I guess I was able to completely fake out the psychiatrist on duty in that facility and have her discharge me. I walked out of the ward and into the lobby, hugged my mom without a tear, smiled at the secretary at the checkout desk, and walked outside. As soon as I was sure there was no legal ability of that place to hold me I collapsed into my mom's arms and cried like never before. This is where my journey really began I feel.

So why am I here now? Well November 2011 was when I was checked into that nightmare facility, and until late January 2011 I was fighting a daily battle of life and death with a Major depressive episode. I found a new psychiatrist, a very smart, very nice, perhaps a bit closed minded man who with the help of my GP has given me my current medication regiment. 200mg Zoloft once a day and .25 Klonopin once a day. The Klonopin was supposed to be .5mg up to 4 times per day, but I am STRONGLY anti-benzo and doing the .25 once a day for the last 3 months has been a sore spot with me but I'm not a doctor so I choke them down. I broke free from my episode in early February, and until March 8th I was living my life how I wanted in my apartment with my two friends. Life was good, occasional anxiety issues that were delt with by talking myself down and not really any hint of depression. Then on March 8th I woke up with a very sore throat. Went to the GP, got a Z-pack of antibiotics and the infection cleared up in 4 days. IMMEDIATELY after those 4 days something was clearly wrong. My anxiety was again strong enough to interfere with school and social life. After 3 days of that anxiety is suddenly disappeared. But now I see that it was merely being pushed out by another major depressive episode. Now ill be 100% honest and fair, my GP and therapist both think the combo of the antibiotics and the fact that I have been weaning myself off the klonopin slowly are more likely the cause of the relapse, and I dont disagree. I read a lot about how heavy antibiotics can really mess with people who have depression and anxiety. I'm a fan of science so if there is a scientific theory that could explain something, I'll jump on it.

Well the depression has run itself in a different pattern than last time. For 4 days last week I experiences ups and downs (not bipolar). My downs were depression similar or as bad as last year, and the ups were as good as the few months after last year. So my therapist and I said its time to try active resistance to this depression, last year I survived it, this time I fight it. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 5 days to discuss this relapse, the klonopin I want off but don't know if I need, and my zoloft future. The last 4 days have brought me to this forum. Today is thursday, on Monday I woke up feeling okay, and I usually have my worst anxiety in the morning. As the day progressed, depression simply swallowed me up. I went to my GP and he upped the zoloft from 150-200mg. So ya ive been on 200mg for 3 days, guess i shoulda said that earlier lol. That night I got relief, and had hopes for the future. Tuesday was without a doubt the closest to feeling like last year ive had since January. It was all day, worse and worse depression. I dragged myself out to dinner with my mom to talk about it, and we decided I spend a night or two at home while we figure it out. Yesterday I woke up in my parents guest room, the place I stayed during my major depressive episode last year, and expected the worst. It never came, I went for a morning walk, had a few moments of fear and doubt, but I gradually went up. Saw my therapist and had a real good talk about how this could be the power of my thinking finally being strong enough to start the fight against my depression and anxiety to the point where I am in control of both. Today I woke up at my parents again, and had high hopes for my future again. Morning walk was okay, not great but not terrible, and I moved back to my apartment. 2 hours ago some heavy anxiety hit me, and I didn't use my mental tools very well to break it. Luckily the maintenance guy came and installed a new fan in my room so that broke my concentration and it has now let up.

Well that is where I am, as to why I am here particularly it is because I am at a sort of crossroads. When I'm feeling clear and well, I strongly believed between my zoloft and my therapy and my own will power and mental strength I can learn to control these illnesses. I don't believe in absolute cures to any mental conditions, but I do believe in making them so weak they are trivial. I hope this forum is another tool I can use to communicate with people, when I am weak and need some encouragement, and when I am strong and can offer some. One thing that has kept me alive even last year was this statement from my therapist: "There has never been a case of permanent depression unless the person has killed themselves." It's not very poetic, but it is 100% true from all the stuff I have read about depression.

Well that was a HUGE amount of text, I like to write lol. I am a history major because all I do well is write and argue. Hopefully some folks will read it all the way through and give me any advice, personal viewpoints, and kind words. Thanks guys and I look forward to talking to all of you.

Hello & Welcome, Mogeii! True, yours is a long post, but it's a great one. You would do well to save it for future reference and use.
*** Note to Self: This is more evidence your psychiatrist is correct in saying, "Hospitalization will not be therapeutic for you." ***
Interesting! Someone else breaking your concentration alleviated your anxiety. It just wasn't anything that broke your concentration; it was a person. Worth considering.

Anyway, thank you for posting. Make yourself at home!

Thanks for the welcome Rohag.

*** Note to Self: This is more evidence your psychiatrist is correct in saying, "Hospitalization will not be therapeutic for you." ***
Well in the case of a real emergency room I would not say that it is a bad thing. In fact I've heard of some people finding the right medication by a trip to the ER. As for mental health emergency facilities, I only have one experience but I have promised myself and been promised by my family that if I ever get that bad again, its to the ER we are going and not one of those place.

Interesting! Someone else breaking your concentration alleviated your anxiety. It just wasn't anything that broke your concentration; it was a person. Worth considering.

Ya that happens sometimes. You know I've come to notice that my anxiety is mostly based on my own body. Somewhat hypochondriac I would say, but its not like i ACTUALLY believe im seriously ill. For instance a quick stabbing pain in my right chest can cause a flare up of anxiety, but I'm pretty positive nothing is seriously wrong with me. My anxiety has always been more of "This COULD cause anxiety, so it WILL" instead of a true fear of circumstances.

Again nice to meet you