Have a hard time remembering?

I had a pretty bad depressive episode Jan-Feb of this year, and when I go back to my journals and read all of things I wrote during this time (how I felt, what I was thinking, etc) it's almost like I don't remember the severity of it. Is that normal? I'm happy now, I'm doing well in school and functioning great. But when I think back to then, I remember it was really bad and horrible, but it feels like I can't remember the severity of it (suicidal thoughts, etc). And while at the time it felt like it lasted for-ev-er, now I don't really think of it as being so long.

Does this happen to anyone else? Or is it normal?

Hi. That has happened to me..and it has given me pause, as well!

I noticed this in myself just the other day as well. I too went through a bad time only a couple of weeks back and I knew at the time it was the worst I'd felt in a few years but now I can hardly remember it at all. I don't know why it happens.

One thing I know about memeory that may be related: When you are in a depressed state of mind, it is easier to recall events and feeling that happened when you were feeling the same way, depressed. That is one of the ways depression grabs hold of you. You recall the past depression expriences easier and past happy experiences not so easily.When you are happy, it is easier to recall things that happened when you were feeling happy.
It also works that way with altered states of consiciouslness, like when your drinking alcohol, or sleepy.
So like if you studied for an exam when you had a fe beers, you may do better on the actual exam if you had a beer.
So, it follows that if your happy now, then depression happenings are harder to recall.
Or maybe we are all just getting old, lol.

I know when I recall my bad episodes I know in my head they were really bad, but it's like there is a wall or something that blocks me from knowing emotionally how bad it was for me. Like I can't recall how I felt or what I was thinking at all.

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Lexicon78 said:
I know when I recall my bad episodes I know in my head they were really bad, but it's like there is a wall or something that blocks me from knowing emotionally how bad it was for me. Like I can't recall how I felt or what I was thinking at all.

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Yea, that's exactly what I'm talking about. It's like I grasp the idea that it was really, really bad - but emotionally it's like talking about someone else.

Hm. Weird. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that this happens to!

Looks like some posts got deleted.

*bump* (One last effort at seeing if anyone else knows much about this...)

Ah - a familiar feeling for me too. When I read back over some of my posts from my darkest times, I have a sense of knowing I felt really bad and at the same time I cannot believe how desolate I actually was.

I do the EXACT same thing. i go back and read and im like whoa! i was messed up then!

IMO it has to do with the chemicals in the brain... when we are not so depressed we have enough of the chemicals to keep us from being "in that black hole" and while we can read what we said, we can't really "touch" the feelings we had then. I think that's a good thing.

Yes, I call my T when I am in that swirling black mass and I don't always remember how black it was at the time. I recall when I was first injured, I made tapes of my describing the pain. I later tried to listen to them (years later) and ended up erasing them (unfortunately.) Not only did I not want to remember that intense pain, but I couldn't believe how bad I was feeling.

I have been like that too. At times I think what I may be doing is just not chiseling itself into my memory. I too have found things in my journaling I do not recall till I see it in writing.
Cher

Hm, this is pretty crazy. Thanks for everyones response!

Hi,
Could you tell me how you got past all of
the suicidal thoughts and everything because
I really need some help here.Please respond
A.S.A.P

My memory is so shot I can't believe it. Some of it has to do with the ECT I went through to help me, which has left me with severe short term memory loss but great long term memory, but if I am asked about how I feel about something by my T I usually cannot put it into words because it doesn't feel the same anymore. I think in some ways it is our body's way of disassociating us from the 'bad'...