[Hamartia]

I have been working hard at analyzing myself, my actions,& my emotional responses to others. I suffer from double depression, Ptsd, general anxiety disorder, and self mutilation tendencies. It is hard for me at times to know what is playing a part in my emotions but I believe that they all play a part. One thing is for sure and that is I always feel guilty, pathetic, and although I would consider myself a rational person, deserving of some of the horrible things that have happened to me. Which I know none were my fault it is hard to change my mindset. So, every time someone or something triggers these feelings it is difficult for me to suppress them and I tend to ruminate about them over and over again until I feel like I am going mad. Is anyone else experiencing this? And has anyone found something that works for them to rid themselves of these feelings and or stop the rumination that takes place?

[Leed]

One thing you have to try to get thru your head is the 99% of the time you do NOT DESERVE the things that happen to you!!! These things are NOT punishment for things you have done and contrary to what you may think, you really do not deserve them. They happen just by circumstance, are caused by other "things" or people as a whole, by the government, etc. But you do NOT deserve these nasty things. They aren't your fault!

Oh sure, I used to feel guilty all the time too mostly because I grew up feeling guilty, and then married a verbally abusive man who told me I was stupid and everything was my fault! My therapist set me straight tho, and gave me my "power" back -- showed me that I had the power to feel BETTER if I stopped taking responsibility for everything that happened. I had to learn how to do that -- and it took awhile, but I was tired of feeling guilty all the time so I learned! LOL

I also hated the way I looked -- I felt ugly & fat. Well, I couldn't change my face, so I had to accept it. But I COULD lose weight, so I did. That helped my self-esteem alot! It wasn't easy as I've always had a weight problem (and I do again now that I've gotten older, darn it).

I've been depressed since I was a child. After I hit 2l, I went to a therapist and that really helped -- but he thought I needed MORE help, so he sent me to my doctor, who put me on an antidepressant. I still continued with therapy tho and we worked on issues about my childhood (which sucked!) It made a world of difference.

If you're not in therapy, please find a therapist! If you ARE in therapy and it's not helping, find a different therapist. Sometimes we have to change therapists until we find one that "clicks" with us. I know therapy will help you. I wish you the very best. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee