so scattered... (((TRIGGERING)))

I'm having a really hard time lately. I don't even know where to start. My head feels like its constantly spinning. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time. I feel like my heads going to explode and like I'm totally alone in this. I've been trying to talk to my partner about it, but she's currently having a really hard time as well and seeing her go through that stresses me even more because there's nothing I can do to help her, and I don't want to talk to her about what I'm going through because I don't want to add to her problems... I don't know what to do anymore I really want to SI and I've been having really realistic dreams about doing it too the point where I'm waking up and examining my body because its so real. The only reason I haven't done anything is because I know it would be really bad and I can't think of a way to hide it from my partner when we live together. I've just been feeling so worthless and alone. I'm paranoid about everything I do because I feel like whatever I do is going to make everyone abandon me. I'm sore all over, and I'm struggeling with eating, I'm so depressed that I have no appetite, my stomach is just constantly clenching. My anxioty is so bad that I'm afraid to even leave one room in the house. I've convinced my self to leave the house if I really have too, but when I'm gone I swet, stutter, shake, and can feel my heart beating every where. I'm having a hard time handeling anything right now, I just don't know what to do and it makes me feel like giving up. I'm so tired of feeling this way, I've been off my meds for awhile, and now even though I think I want to try taking my meds I can't get them because my physciatrist went to a new facility, and didn't notify me, and give me the new number and no one from the old place knows how to get a hold of him. I just feel so alone and like everyone dismisses me and how I'm feeling and I feel like if they do listen that they run away when they start seeing how messed up I am. I just don't know what to do anymore

I am sorry you are having a tough time right now.
This is a great site and there is always someone to listen to you on PC
Keep posting

Imabananin, how long have you been off your meds? Do you have the strength to treat this as an emergency and force the issue with the medical system where you live?

Please do your best to be safe.

I've been trying force it. I've even been begging my councilor to help me get a new pysch, but she said it could take up to 6 months, and I haven't been able to get a hold of my family doc either, so I can't get him to put through an emergency referral for a new. I just don't know what to do any more cause I can't wait another 6 months cause I've already been off off my meds for at least 6 months maybe a couple more..

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I finally got into see my family doc. He's starting me up slowly on my meds again, but now that I have them I run into the same old problem. Fighting with myself. I want to take my meds and feel better but then the thoughts start telling me I don't need to take them, I'm not crazy and the doctors just want to zombify me.
I know that I need the meds and I know they help me but the second I get them its a totally different story and a war every night just to consider taking them.
I'm petrified to take them and even more to not because my partner is threatening admit me if I don't take them. I understand where she's coming from and if someone was telling me some of the things I've said to her I'd probably want to do the same thing. But still it makes me mad at her that she would do that to me and it makes me scared now to open up to her, cause what if I say something to out there and she takes me in?
I've started keeping a rubber band on my wrist again... So now whenever I'm really upset I just snap it on my wrist over my tattoo so no one can see the welts and I'm snapping it too whenever I feel like I want to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I know I shouldn't be doing that to keep me from talking but now I'm terrified if I talk to anyone that they'll lock my crazy *** up...

I'm so sorry hon. I don't know what to say. I wish I knew how to help. :-(

Its all good. No one seems to know what to say but its nice to get it out

Imabananin, does your prescribing doctor know about this internal fight? If you two work closely together, you may be able to get to a minimum effective dose that doesn't leave you zombified.

Do you think you could approach your doctor on that specific issue (minimum effective dose) without fear of triggering their concern for your safety?

"Zombification" is one of the reasons I personally seek to take as few meds as possible.

I agree, I think talking to you doctor could help a lot. If you could get a dosage strong enough to help but light enough to convince yourself it won't "zombify" you, I think you might see some improvement.