[Music Rules Me]

Not much has changed since I was last on here.

I got a text from the college counciller about a month ago saying that I'd be contacted when I should come in for an appointment.

I havent been contacted. There are 3 weeks left of college.

So yeah, same emotions. Except there's a new thing....actually, not exactly new but something I havent felt for a fairly long time. Loneliness when around people. It keeps happening. Everyone seems so close and together. And then there's me.

I keep feeling like I'm going to break down. It's taking all of me not to.
I need someone to turn to. I need someone to be there to hug me when I cry and comfort me.

But I don't deserve it. I'm a bad person. There are people who deserve it more than I do. It's selfish of me to want it.

Feck it, I want love.

But the thing is I dont believe in love. I really dont.

I need danger and action. I need to stop feeling so bored with life. Maybe if I'm not bored then maybe I won't feel so lonely or guilty or sad.

I don't know. All I know is that I don't need this. This crummy life that we all have to put up with.

Ack. How are you all tonight? xxxxx

[CastlesInTheAir]

Of course you deserve someone to hold onto and confide in, we all do. Never ever think you don't deserve it.

I know what you mean about feeling alone in a room full of people. It's as if you are watching on the outside and you would much rather feel a part of the moment but you can't help but be on the outside. It is that constant disconnect. I'm better in a one on one environment if its a group forget it.

I've had hard time in the love department myself. It takes a lot for someone to spark that feeling in me and these days I'm just not feeling it at all. I think it's because I have so many other things going on in my head that I need to address first( maybe you too?).One of my biggest problems is trust.

[turquoise4]

I can relate to feeling undeserving of support, comfort, etc. and like others are more deserving of it, but the truth is you do deserve it, we all do. I'm sorry things have been difficult for you. ((((((hugs)))))))

[Mike_J]

You aren't a bad person, you might feel like you are but that is the depression talking. I can feel alone in a crowded room so I can understand how you feel.

Are you in therapy? Is there someone at the college you can see?

[Idiot17]

U do deserve ppl to care. I can relate to what you wrote; i need love desperately yet i dont believe in it. Also the loneliness, i feel the same way. Gluck and hope you get out of those feelings.

[Music Rules Me]

I just really dont know what to do.
I cant see the college counciller because I've done all I can to see her and still haven't got an appointment.

I just need things that I dont feel I deserve so I dont know how to get them. And I wont know how to get them without having them. So yeah. I just dont know how to keep living really. (not suicidal, just questioning and without much/any will to live).

But thank you all the same. xxxxx