[Duchess]

It's been awhile since I felt like this. guessing people trigger me, it's no wonder I Isolate myself. I'm shaking & my blood is boiling. all the memories just filled into one thought.I have to Thank you Yokus for giving me that anxiety attack I'v so longed for, Not! I thought I'd found a happy home where no one could juge me or bring out those feelings I bury deep inside.I wish I would disappear of the face of this earth. Can you Imagine walking around hearing the groans of your dying friend taking his last breaths. or better yet talking to someone and only seeing that night replay over and over of my friend dieing infront of me. right now I see spots everywhere, my body shaking and barely being able to breath. I can't stop crying and at this moment. I really wish I had my meds or something to calm me down. but at this moment I hate this place !!!!!
I hate Christmas {OR X`mas} whatever same *****.
I hate Christmas b/c I never had Christmas in my years of growing up.
I never had a tree or pretty ornaments
I never got to open up any presants under ANY tree.
I never had a grandfather or grandmother to spoil me.
I never had a Father to watch me grow up or watch Me open up presants
I lived in poverty my hole life with hand me downs & no food in the fridge
I had a single mother, who worked three jobs & was never home.
An older brother who took on a role as a father and robbed from his childhood years, treating me like a slave and bossing me around.
And a step father who sexually molested me any chance he got from the age of nine... These are most of the reasons I have prayed to God...
Prayed to take atleast 1/2 of the pain away. always feeling betrayed by GOD for everything that always went wrong in my life. now I don't know where to turn. I have no friends and my family doesn't understand my illness. I don't know why I'm even bothering to tell you all, I just feel so angry that someone trys to Rob me of the only person I now believe in.

Though I have fallen, I will rise.
though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light
...He will bring me out into the light; I will see his
righteousness........... Micah 7:8-9

[dexter]

Duchess

I am sorry things are so bad and that a post on these site has taken a little away from the feeling of support you get from this forum. I hope this will only be temporary and that you will continue to be involved here and reap the benefit of sharing and understanding that is the norm here.

First please remember that people have different opinions here and find strength from different sources. Sources of strength are a very personal thing. Some people find a huge source of strength and support through their religion and their religious community, others may find that it doesn't help them much, and will therefore seek other sources of support that are more effective for them.

For myself, although I am very spiritual, I don't follow any organized religion and don't really believe in a personal god. That just doesn't do anything for me, personally, so I focus on what helps me. However, I personally get a sense of "well being" from seeing other people tap into their sources of strength, even if those sources seemingly differ from my personal beliefs.

The thing on this forum is that with so many differing opinions sometimes people are bound to ruffle one anothers feathers. For us, whatever we hold onto for strength in our lives is so important to us that it is easy to become defensive when others seemingly disparage those beliefs. Members here should always try to never let that cause them to become "defensive" or "judgemental" toward others but given human nature that won't always hold true.

I can't speak for others but my thinking is that someone on the other thread felt hurt to have their beliefs discounted. It obviously touched a nerve, and they reacted. It certainly does hurt to have some dialog "flare" so I don't want to tell you that your shouldn't be upset, but try to not take it too personally. Remember that for people here, we are not only talking about "religion" as we would be discussing it in a casual conversation, but rather, because of our illness, our beliefs, whatever they may be, are a strong foundation on which we base our recovery. That makes it all the more likely for someone to become angered by messages that go against the core of those beliefs.

Maybe it will help to realize that the above holds true no matter which side of the "fence" you fall into.

Please don't allow differences of opinion weaken the overall good that the support on this board serves to help you feel stronger.

I am a big believer in accepting your feelings so I want to again say that I understand completely how bad this bit of conflict makes you feel. I feel it myself often. But while I know you won't let anyone's comments rock you of your beliefs, also please don't allow them to make you uncomfortable on the forum here which is also a powerful source of help for all of us.

For what it is worth, and again I am only speaking for myself, personally I don't take any offense to any quotes from the bible in any posts. To me, people are only expressing their personal source of support, and I can accept the positive strength that that provides even if it doesn't have the same effect on me. One of the keys to any support group is the realization that while many times it is hard to think clearly for yourself, it is often easy to find kind words for others in a similar situation, and in doing so it helps you find some strength within yourself and also makes you feel good about helping others. Of course you can't do that without expressing your personal beliefs. Sometimes others will see that as showing the "light" of your personal strength, but other times people will see that conflicting with their own beliefs and may become defensive about that. And sometimes people may feel the need to let off a little "steam" about that. That should take the form of a personal message but unfortunately sometimes it does.

I hope this doesn't sound as if I am saying that you should limit your posts about religion. I believe you need to be able to express yourself freely here. I am not meaning to say "be careful what you post here" but rather to let you know that your beliefs are of utmost value to you, and may help others. If someone reacts negatively to this (hopefully that will be few and far between) please don't let it shake your confidence in this place. Hopefully anyone who disagrees with your beliefs will be able to find and keep their own sources of strength in life. It is kind of a Catch-22, because those people have to be able to express their beliefs or disappointments as well, but hopefully for the most part this can occur without huritng the feelings of others.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[Sam]

Duchess, I for one am glad you are here. I've read several of your posts and while I can't lay claim to know you, I can say I believe you to be a very nice person, full of caring and wanting to live - to work out your problems and to help others do the same. I think that is why you are here and I am thankful.

I don't know if I have any answers or even if anything I say will be helpful to you, but your post here touched me deeply. I really wish I could reach out and just give you a long smug hug so that you could feel loved - important. For you are important and just as special as any person on this earth.

You mentioned people triggering you and while I too allow others to sometimes tick me off - I can't help but wonder if the problem really lies within ourselves? I believe for example, that only those we care about can actually have the power to offend us (wheter it is the people or the subject) for people we do not know or even like - does their opinion really count? I know someone that I like, admire and respect - they matter and what they think and say means something to me, but someone that I don't know, or don't like - what do I care, and why should I care, unless perhaps what they say is true? I guess, the thing I'm so trying to say here, is that only those things we care about, like or hate them - we still have an opinion on them, and it falls down to being a control thing to us. The idea I think, would be for us to control those things instead of allowing them to control us.

You asked, "Can you Imagine walking around hearing the groans of your dying friend taking his last breaths. or better yet talking to someone and only seeing that night replay over and over of my friend dieing infront of me."

And I can say yes to that, only I don't have to imagine - It happened and I was there - was fortunate to have survived, and so I can say I know what you mean. I have walked a mile ot two in those shoes.

I believe in God although I can't lay claim to being a Christian, and I believe God loves us all, but he gives us free will and therefore does not step in to change the results from choices we or others make for us. I do believe in the end that we have to account for the way we have lived, be it right or wrong, and that we can only account for how we chose to live our lives.

Bad things happen to everyone, including good people. I've long since quit trying to figure out why this happened for why that happened. God simply allows us to live our lives accordingly to how we choose; with the promise of a better life afterwards. He is always there for us, it's just that we are not always there for him.

Dying is as much a part of life as living and everyone plays an important role in how not just their life may turn out, but how others turn out. And sometimes people don't live to the expectations of others - such as your step-father that sexually molested you as a child. It really takes a low person to do such a thing. Surely, such a person has to be sick, for no person that is right would ever commit such an act upon another - expecially a child. Can I give you a hug? (((((Duchess))))) - I hope this helps some. Iknow it won't take away your pain, but it will let you know I care.

Christmas to a child is truely an amazing thing, and as a child I loved it beyond describtion, but that was before I learned that not every child had a Christmas and that has bothered me ever since I learned of it.

I think, Christmas is for the children and to know there were, and are children even today that don't get to have Christmas makes me really sad. I hope, I really do, that I will be able to help children some day, but before that can be, I will have to do better financially than I have this past year - unfortunately - I'm barely staying one step ahead of the bill collectors. But had I any extra money - you could be sure it would go to children at Christmas time.

I had spoken of my grandfather in a post to BP just last night. He was one of the few men (or people even) that I so admired. He adopted myself, along with my sister after our mother died, and saved us from horrible times with our father. But he wasn't able to raise us both, so an aunt and uncle took me in.

But he did teach me much in the following years, and when he died - I was 16 - my world seemed to died along with him. I used to stop by his grave everyday for a spell, and did so for many years afterward.

He had became a man when he was 14 (I'll never be the man he was) when his father was killed on Christmas day in the coal mines. He went to work in those same mines the day after his fathers funeral so he could help support his mother, 3 brothers and 3 sisters. He put 2 of his brothers thru college even after he had met and married my grandmother, and the two of them had 12 children. I was lucky to have had him in my life.

I've listened to my stepmother (his daughter and my aunt by birth) speak of hoeing corn on a hillside so steep that she would have to dig her a foothold to stand in, and place the dirt she had removed around the corn. Of getting an apple at Christmas and thinking she was rich.

So I know it sucks to have so loittle and to have experienced so many terrible things in life while others eem to have everything. I suspect it will always be so. But there is always hope, as long as we live, that things will get better, and it is possible too, if we try. But we must work at it, unless we're so lucky to win the lottery, and even then, the money itself will not solve all of our problems, but the attitude that lies within us.

So maybe nothing I've said will be helpful to you, or maybe (and I'm really hoping here) that you will see you are not alone, and that people do care about you, and that will help you some. I sure hope so. Can I give you yet anaother hug? (((((Duchess))))) - I hope you like my hugs for I sure enjoy giving them.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

[krzyk101]

Duchess,
I'm sorry your having a hard time right now, And Im not the most holy person but I do know that God watches over me and he has brought me though many hard times, your post has led me to get out my bible, which has not been opened for awhile to look up a verse. A verse that has brought me through many things in the past.

"FOR HE WILL GIVE HIS ANGELS CHARGE OF YOU, TO GUARD YOU IN ALL YOUR WAYS.,
ON THEIR HANDS THEY WILL BEAR YOU UP" PSALMS 91:11-12

KEEP THE FAITH GOD BLESS YOU
CHRIS

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[Duchess]

Dexter
Thank you for responding and Thank you for your concern. after a nice long shower I came too my sences and realized not many people believe in God. I happen to think he is my Savior. I'v changed my so called "Preaching Qoute" to non Biblical. that way I won't lose my cool.. I know people have diffrent opinions and different beliefs so I have appoligized to all that I have offended in anyway. those were not my intentions. I just hope no one has a problem with Gandhi....differences of opinion will not weaken the overall good that the support on this board has served me. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many people my heart goes out to. for the great advice and overwhelming support.One of the keys to any support group is the realization that while many times it is hard to think clearly for yourself, it is often easy to find kind words for others in a similar situation, and in doing so it helps you find some strength within yourself and also makes you feel good about helping others. Of course you can't do that without expressing your personal beliefs. but I shall keep those to myself. it is a catch-22 and again I apologize to all that I have offended...
Thanks Dexter for your support and kind words

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.
think of it... always.
Mohandas Gandhi...

[Duchess]

((((((((Sam))))))))))))) Hugs for you......
you almost made me cry, I can't express how good that made me feel.
I guess I really needed that.I really wish I could reach out and just give you a long smug hug too! the problem really lies within ourselves, atleast that's what I believe. But, I can't stop it from happening."God simply allows us to live our lives accordingly to how we choose; with the promise of a better life afterwards. He is always there for us, it's just that we are not always there for him." exactly, I couldn't agree with you more.. I have seen my wrongs Sam and am Willing to change them for my own protection.I think, you said"Christmas is for the children and to know there were, and are children even today that don't get to have Christmas makes me really sad. I hope, I really do, that I will be able to help children some day, but before that can be, I will have to do better financially than I have this past year - unfortunately - I'm barely staying one step ahead of the bill collectors. But had I any extra money - you could be sure it would go to children at Christmas time." that is the most thoughtful thought I have heard this holiday. I try and help children out by collecting clothing and toys. I know that feeling and it can really depress any child. that's why I know when I get married. I'm going to give my children EVERYTHING I never had, expecially a father who will be around...( hopefully). If I had money I would send it to you.(((HUGS)))
I'm truely sorry for your Grandfather's passing. I also visit the Mosolium every chance that I get. I talk and sing to him I know it sounds crazy but in a way it makes me feel good. oh Sam can I tell you you've touched me in so many ways. I'm a 100% positive your grandfather is very proad of you and I'm sure your half of the man he once was & then sum. I luv ya!!! you are the sweetest out of sweetest and I will treasure your HUGS and your kind words close to my heart..

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Your friend Duchess))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.
think of it... always.
Mohandas Gandhi...

[Duchess]

Thank you for the Verse chris that was very sweet.
How are you doing ? I'm actually feeling much better then this morning.
Thank you for your post and I will keep the faith to myself...

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.
think of it... always.
Mohandas Gandhi...

[SeptemberMorn]

Kris, I LOVE that verse!!

The man that originally played the Phantom of the Opera sings a song with those words. I think mostly of two of my grandsons that I don't see when I hear that hymn.

"For unto us a Son is given..."

[Sam]

((((((((((Duchess)))))))))) More hugs for you sweetie,

I'm glad that thru all my thoughts and feelings expressed by mere words - I was able to make you feel good. You are a special person deserving of good and wonderful feelings and happiness. I so hope you find it.

One of the most wonderful things about this forum is it's people - all those here and present that while they may be struggling with their own issues reach out to others to provide some level of comforft. Surely, nothing touches a persons soul more than to know they are not alone and that people care. I am most humbled by the quality of people here and can't help but to be honored by being a part of such a great group of people. In case I should forget to than them all - THANK YOU EACH AND EVERYONE!

I think you will make a wonderful mother and know that you will do everything within your power to make your children's lives better than your own. That's the idea so many parents have and I am sure you would follow through.

I've often wondered if people that have moved on could see us and know how we are, but doubt I will know for a certainly in this lifetime. But I don't believe either that there is a bad way, or a wrong way to talk with those we loved that have moved on. If it makes us feel better - then it has served it's purpose no doubt.

I am overwhelmed by the compliments you have bestowed upon me and I thank you, and will certainly do my very best not to let you down. I am proud to be your friend.

Love, Sam (who is very humbled)

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."